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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am upset with life

20 replies

crazy8 · 20/07/2012 18:55

Ok. Sorry in advance if this is boring/long. Have been married 20 yrs with 3DC. My husband told me 5 years ago he didn't know if he had ever loved me. We have carried on marriage since. Have never told each other we love each other since. I'm a SAHM and adore my children. Have always said I would go back to work but husband has said its not necessary as it would affect children etc. a couple of months ago we had a massive argument and he told me he didn't think we have ever had a relationship.

I know it sounds crazy but generally we have had a good relationship. We get on well and make each other laugh. He is a fantastic dad. We had a good sex life although have only had sex couple of times in last two months as my heart isn't in it. Feel like I've wasted my life being with someone for so long who obviously doesn't love me. Not sure why he is still around. I hurt every day thinking I'm with someone who doesn't know if he has ever loved me. Everyone around us thinks we have the perfect relationship. Huh! If only they knew. Can't speak to anyone in RL.

I don't know what to do now. I feel so alone. I can't just leave as don't work and I couldn't break my DC heart. They love their dad. Am so hurt but just trying to carry on.

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 20/07/2012 19:38

I don't know what your husband's motives are for rewriting history (I think it unlikely he hasn't felt any affection/love for you in 20 years) but there must be one. I also don't know what he thinks a relationship is, if it isn't getting on well, having a laugh, and having good sex, it's a heck of a lot better than most on here, that's for sure.

What strikes me is that now he's said this, you are afraid, fearful and feel powerless. He feels like he is the one who determines how happy you are, and he also determines whether you go out to work (I would go for your sanity, especially with a man who is rewriting history). He is now in control and you don't dare leave or change the status quo. So, I can only conclude that this only comes out when he's very stressed/upset about these perfectly reasonable changes, and this is his way of hurting you/regaining control.

I am not sure though, this is a very odd one. Did you not discuss it after the previous mention? My husband once said something very upsetting to me a few years ago, and I'm still going on about it!

Original poster

crazy8 · 20/07/2012 19:59

We speak or should I say I go in about the incident 5years ago every so often during heated arguments. You are right in that he says these things during arguments. He has always been quite manipulative and gets what he wants. I am no wallflower and do say my bit.

I think I'm just very sad at the moment. I still love him but find it hard to be intimate with him.

OP posts:

Offred · 20/07/2012 20:06

Why should you be intimate with him? Agree with what has been said. Very very unlikely that he has never loved you or thought you had a relationship with 20 years and 3 dcs behind you.

Offred · 20/07/2012 20:07

He has killed the intimacy hasn't he and how could you be expected to behave in an intimate way now?

Original poster

crazy8 · 20/07/2012 21:10

He tells me I'm not affectionate. With 3 DC and having dealt with parent health issues I agree I'm prob not affectionate. Problem is every time I show a bit of affection he thinks it should lead to sex and I don't always feel this way.

In the last two year I have lost my dad which I have found so very difficult. I was always a daddy's girl and have also helped my mum through cancer treatment. There really isn't a lot of me left for anyone else. My siblings don't really help as I am SAHM so they think I should deal with all my mums Hosp apps etc.

Losing my dad still upsets me and I don't think my husband realises how difficult it is. It feels like he thinks I should be over the grief by now.

Maybe he wants to live in a fairy tale but I have to live in the real world and just get on with it.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 20/07/2012 21:15

Couples therapy could help in getting you really talking and listening to each other?

He needs to take on how much he has hurt you and how hard you are finding losing your dad, perhaps then you can get the intimacy back and start talking about things that cause the heated arguements and resolve them?

Original poster

crazy8 · 20/07/2012 21:17

When we talk about what he said 5years ago he says he didn't say he doesnt love me but said he didn't think he had ever loved me.

OP posts:

Xroads · 20/07/2012 21:18

I would take a break, you sound like you need it, how can your husband be so bloody heartless?

Book a weekend away (minimum) with a girlie friend or a sibling and have some time to think about what YOU want, YOU as a person NOT as a wife/ a mother/ a daughter. Don't consider what others want, you can work around that once you know what you want.

Maybe a week away will show your H that actually he does love you/ miss you/ need you and if it doesn't then frankly you don't need him and you can build a new life and find someone that does love you and want you and need you.

I'm sorry he has been so bloody thoughtless at a time you needed him most.

carlywurly · 20/07/2012 21:22

I'm so sorry, you sound very sad and it must be emotionally draining to live with this.

I can't see how you really can have a future with this man, not after he's said something so hurtful and never taken it back or tried to put it right.

I'd recommend some counselling for you, and looking into the practicalities - get back to work if you can, or start retraining so you're in a stronger position if you do split.

Original poster

crazy8 · 21/07/2012 19:54

He has barely spoken to me today. All because I told him I was upset with him. I was annoyed as he never wants to invite people around. He would rather we go out. Seems trivial but was explaining to him that my thoughts should count in our relationship. I don't want to be a pushover anymore. It's so childish. If he doesn't get his own way he sulks and ignores me. I suppose I am becoming more vocal in my needs.

OP posts:

DoingItForMyself · 21/07/2012 20:00

Sounds like the slippery slope to me, sorry. Agree with taking a break, but for me it would be longer than a weekend. I think maybe a trial separation is in order so that he can take time out to think about how his cruel words and behaviour have affected you, while you can get to know yourself without him casting a big black shadow over you.

For DCs there are worse things in life than divorce - its sounds harsh, but they do get used to it, probably quicker than we do. There will be some upset, but staying together for their sake will not work if he drags you down. Your DCs need a happy mum and good role models for their future relationships.

tallwivglasses · 21/07/2012 21:06

'I suppose I am becoming more vocal in my needs.'

Good for you, crazy8.

I agree with DoingIt. Why the hell should you pretend to be affectionate with someone who says they've never loved you? What a cruel, heartless man.

I wonder what some of his friends of family would say if they knew he was putting you through this mental torture? - because that's what it is.

I don't know why but this thread has really upset me. You sound like a lovely person who has devoted her life to her family and he's slowly stamping all the life out of you. Please put yourself first for once, before it's too late.

crazyhead · 21/07/2012 21:15

I'd start by trying to get some confidence and independence back somehow - whether through part time work, meeting up with family or friends who make you feel good about yourself, or frankly anything else that would help.

Alarm bells ring for me that your husband both feels the right to say he has never loved you - surely a bad sign for your marriage, but then that he doesn't want you to work - which would give you the confidence to leave if you needed. It sounds like he is grabbing all of the power in your relationship and you deserve some of it back, whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

crazy8 · 21/07/2012 21:28

I feel so incredibly sad. I haven't worked for quite a few years. Even now when I have said I will try and get any job he keeps putting me off. I just wonder how he can live with me for so long despite not loving me. Our friends and family would be shocked at the things he says. He always makes it my fault. Telling me it's because I'm not affectionate. I think he expects us/me to behave like a newlywed.

I'm not unrealistic in my expectations. My children meant he world to me and I still love him. I can't give any more of myself. Have always been the dutiful daughter/wife/mother.

Ridiculous things is I still make an effort with how I look. I exercise, try and dress well. He's no oil painting either.

People who know me think we are so happy. If they only knew how desperately sad I am. I can't talk to anyone in RL.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 21/07/2012 22:18

Not yet maybe. Til then we're here x

foolonthehill · 21/07/2012 22:36

These are all quotes from your posts:

^Even now when I have said I will try and get any job he keeps putting me off.^
^He always makes it my fault^
^If he doesn't get his own way he sulks and ignores me^
^he says he didn't say he doesnt love me but said he didn't think he had ever loved me.^
^He has always been quite manipulative and gets what he wants.^

and this summary from MB
^you are afraid, fearful and feel powerless^

Your "D"H sounds controlling, manipulative, cruel and selfish.

I wonder if their are any other behaviours that you just accept as "him" but others would see and abusive??

It seems a pretty difficult place to be, your life now and indeed for the last several years at least.

Aside form the usual comment that he is a "great dad" what do you like about him if anything?

If you could magically change one thing about your life right now what would it be?

Lizzabadger · 22/07/2012 06:44

I agree - he sounds controlling, emotionally abusive and cruel.

"I don't think I ever loved you" sounds like the sort of rewriting-of-history thing people say when they are having an affair.

Life is too short to let anyone treat you like this. Start getting your life together, beginning with looking for work, and file for divorce. Free yourself from this horrible man.

Lizzabadger · 22/07/2012 06:49

P.s. He's living with you because it's convenient (he gets his pants washed, his meals cooked and his dick sucked) and he gets an ego-boost from controlling you. He certainly doesn't love you.

amillionyears · 22/07/2012 09:21

On a scale of 1 to 10,1 being less,how much out of 10 do you think you love him.Asking,because I am finding it hard to tell,from what you write.
Then,if you are brave enough,and want to,and when he is calm,you could ask him.

izzyizin · 22/07/2012 18:51

On top of the issues fool has higlighted:
Even now when I have said I will try and get any job he keeps putting me off.
He always makes it my fault
If he doesn't get his own way he sulks and ignores me
he says he didn't say he doesnt love me but said he didn't think he had ever loved me.
He has always been quite manipulative and gets what he wants.
we also have He's no oil painting either.

Ergo, his behaviour doesn't enhance your life by making you feel loved and appreciated and his presence doesn't enhance your life by presenting a pleasing portrait for you to gaze at.

You've spent 20 years married to this manipulative little shit man. Does the thought of spending the next 20 years with him fill you with joy?

What's going to happen when your dc have flown the nest? Are you destined to spend the rest of your life being a whipping boy SAHM to him?

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