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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help. Is this really just stress for DH?

6 replies

CostaLota · 20/07/2012 18:36

DH and I have always had a very good sex life. DH has always had a very high sex drive, and it's caused arguments sometimes because I'm not always as keen as him. It would be rare for us to go more than 2 nights without sex, and that's after nearly 20 years of being together.

But, recently DH's sex drive seems to have really faltered. We're now going 5-6 nights each time without having sex. Which is just unheard of. And, even when we do then have sex sometimes he just can't interested, and again that's totally unheard of.

He's under an enormous amount of stress at the moment, because there's some really big changes happening at his company. And he's working very long hours (having to work at home all evening) and I know he's very stressed by it all. He admited how stressed he felt last week, when he attempted to have sex, but just nothing was happening.

I don't suspect him of having an affair, or anything like that. His behaviour hasn't changed in any other way. He's still affectionate, but I can tell he feels slightly strained about the no-sex thing, and is trying to pretend everything is okay and normal, when it obviously isn't.

I'm very reluctant to instigate anything, in case it turns out he's not interested because it just makes me feel horribly rejected.

He still makes suggestive remarks, like he's always done, but they don't lead to anything now. He'll make out like he wants sex later on, then is happy to let me go to bed alone, while he carries on working.

We went away for the weekend, last weekend and he seemed more relaxed and actually instigated sex 3 times and it was fine, just like old days. But day to day I'm starting to feel very rejected and unattractive. I didn't realise how much of my self esteem was due to the fact my DH has always made it very obvious how physically attractive he's always found me.

But now I just feel like he's being affectionate and 'kind' to me, but doesn't really fancy me anymore Sad

OP posts:
Dprince · 20/07/2012 18:43

sounds like stress to me. I used to have a very stressful job and tbh couldn't get in the mood at all. I couldn't switch off.
I was lucky and able to move and now am much more relaxed. How long is the stress likey to last. Is it a short term thing, like a project or are the changes at work a long process?

CostaLota · 20/07/2012 18:59

Thanks Dprince, that's how DH describes it 'that he can't seem to switch his brain off, at all' And even when he's really tired his brain is just going at a million miles an hour Sad

The changes are work are probably going to carry on until the end of the year. But it should start to get easier in about 2 months time.

OP posts:
Dprince · 20/07/2012 19:06

what helped me was dh not putting any pressure on. He told me he missed the intimacy and obviously the good bits and he was ready whenever I was but he was going to back off.
The important thing was he didn't stop cuddling me, kissing me and showing intimacy that way. He also still told me he thought I was sexy. The weird thing was when the pressure was off (because I felt the lack of sex was an extra pressure) I was more in the mood. When I knew a cuddle and snog could just stop there it rarely did.
I am sure you are being supportive but I just wanted to let you know what worked for us.
I really understand the brain not switching off bit. It was awful, work was the main thing constantly. I used to sleep with a notepad next to me as I constantly dreamt about work and would write ideas in the night, or would jump up having remembered something and wrote reminders.
Bless dh he did have to put with alot for a while. You have my sympathy.

tb · 20/07/2012 22:27

If he feels he can't switch his brain off, is there any chance that, as well as the stress he's drinking too much coffee? Reducing the caffeine might help him relax more easily.

AThingInYourLife · 20/07/2012 22:31

I would be worried about a man under so much pressure at work that he was stressed to the point of a dramatic change in behaviour.

Is there any end in sight to this stress?

It's very bad for your health to be wound up constantly.

Kernowgal · 20/07/2012 23:13

DPrince's experience (and remedy) sounds like the best course of action (as it were) to me - if he feels supported by you, rather than under additional pressure to perform in the bedroom as well as at work, then I reckon you'll see things get better.

Sex is a great stress reliever but not if you feel under pressure to do it.

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