i am not a warring ex - but i have to defend myself -how? and joint counselling with abusive ex

[cestlavielife]

ok, so here is the thing.

i managed to get gp referal for DC to see family therapist over contact issues etc. thinking the only way ex will believe what they want (at 10 and 12 one wants no conact the other limited or only supervised - as per court order -) is by them having chance to say so to third party. plus they need spsace to get over all the stuff that has gone on including his severe mh episodes and violence.

therapists confused by referral from gp and despite me trying to get seen alone or with dds for intitial appt they in the end insisted me and exp attended pre assessment before they would see DC. during this hour he said every second sentence " she is abusive, she did xxxx to me she did yyy to me"

therapist hopefully did see some blatant untruths eg "she is abusive, she has not let me see DC for 12 months"
oh right - so when did you last see them
"oh today, this morning i met them with the childminder [ie supervised contact] we played football . so you see, she is abusive"

so he wasnt making sense. i was factual.."as per police reports there was an incident which meant i had no choice but to cut contact in 2010".... etc.

but they gave impression they thought is was about "communication breakdown" , that we should "work together" as parents and next step yes they will see DDs but perhaps we could have, alongside, in another room another "joint session" .

just as [my guru] lundy says -

"Mediators and GAL?s tend to have a bias in favor of communication, believing that the more the two parents speak to each other, the better things will go for the children. In domestic violence cases the truth is often the opposite, as the abuser uses communication to intimidate or psychologically abuse, and to keep pressuring the victim for a reunion. Victims who refuse to have any contact with their abusers may be doing the best thing both for themselves and for their children, but the evaluator may then characterize her as being the one who won?t let go of the past or who can?t focus on what is good for the children. This superficial analysis works to the batterers advantage."
www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=279

so I really need to express that i am not a warring ex; if/when i have cut contact it has been with good reason; i have acted eg leaving him for good reason (let alone my human right); (this was another example he cited of my "being abusive" that i had decided all on my own to up and leave with dc to rent a flat [as he refused to move out]);

that my conccerns about safety etc are real (and there is enough evidence police reports ec to show)

and that no, I am not prepared to sit in a room where he is given a forum and carte blanche to say every other sentence "she is abusive, she did this; she did that" "she has always been without consideration for my feelings" without any comeuppance because he is allowed to express his views as is "therapy"?

and that any attempt by me to express that incidents have happened makes it look like: "characterize her [me] as being the one who won?t let go of the past or who can?t focus on what is good for the children" .

do i just throw at them the research on mediation in abusive relationships? [i didnt say he was abusive; he was the one saying i was abusive...]

suggest they listen to him rant on his own in another room then come to me if they can get any concrete proposals from him?

i dont want to be forced into having to justify any decisions i have made - in particular - leaving him! (four years ago moved out)

what i wanted from this referral was for dds to be able to express their views clearly and if they do want to pursue contact how we can make it safe and happy. and rules eg if you see mum in public please dont shout at her or tell her she is "abusive". (last time this happened and dd did bravely say to him "i dont like it when you talk about mummy like that" he simply said "but she is abusive and you need to know that" .)

i see nothing to gain from sitting in a room again with him. this week's adventure has proved that. it is painful and upsetting to have to go thru that.

how can i get therapists to see that this viewpoint ie not wanting to attend any joint sessions is not because i am "abusive " or refusing to engage or refusing to move forward with the DC ?

Can you make an appointment alone to see the therapist (or is it more than one?) before any more meetings and explain what you've said here?

Seems absolutely ridiculous that they should put you in this situation. The fact you have cut contact because of his violence should be easily understandable to them surely? They can't expect you to work together with him given your history. I don't see in any way how they think it would help.

Why did you ask for family therapy and not CAHMS? I think the only way forward is to articulate all of this to them and express that your family is the dcs and you, not x.

CestlavieI dont want to hijack this thread in any way as it looks like you are in real need of very good MN advice but could you point me in the direction of the research on mediation and abusive relationships? I wont go into it here but you can see own thread for how it might be useful to be able to quote it in the coming months.

That is a fantastic quote from Lundy Bancroft. You will be well armed if you go in and state you position with such great knowledge. They have to listen to you surely?

I asked for CAMHS. But isinsame location and for some reason -probably ex's gp - it began as this joint parental appt. I think the dc will now see someone from CAMHS .
But they were oh so Terribly Keen on sme joint parental thing.
Will look up. The articles. On mediation in abusive relationships

I can see why they are doing what they are doing if you have been referred to family therapy rather than for counselling for dcs. Maybe put in a complaint if it isn't what you asked for or appropriate.

The appointment was in the name of the youngest child . They said this was how it was done... We filed in standard questionnaire about dds "do they have friends " are they bullies or bullied at school " do they lie and steal " etc etc. Don't know if I will get a copy of the report from this session or not. When they called me about apps the doctor on the phone said he as confused about the nature of the referral so I thought it best to go... But clearly for future appts I need to make clear that aside from dds getting sessions on their own (def not with dad unless later they request ) that it isn't appropriate for me and ex two be ina room...

cestlavie sameish situation here. I really feel for you.

it seems that there is lots of help and encouragement to get out of an abusive relationship and then next to no understanding when one is dealing with the fall-out from that relationship.

I think (for what it is worth) that you are amazing, articulate and well thought through. And if you can't make these people see sense then I don't know who could.

Hope you have the emotional and mental fight left in you to keep going and to find a way through this round of the mess. (also that large black hole opens up and swallows ex)

Definitely put in a complaint about it. The reason for going was to make sure the dds were making a good decision about their dad and to have it scrutinised from outside the family. Mediation would not see you if there is ongoing abuse and fixing your relationship is not what you are there for. I would articulate everything you did here in the formal complaint.