Is it me or my hormones... (could be long)

[merrygoroundincircles]

I have posted about the problems we have been having for several years but we always seem to end up in the same place.

We have had almost 4 years of counselling - some joint and some just me on my own and since January we're seeing someone from Relate. She has been helpful but we either nod away saying, yes, it's all about communication, yes, we'll talk about feelings for 10 mins a night, yes, we must tackle things immediately and not stonewall, etc, etc or I sit there like a loon crying my eyes out and ranting while dh says very little.

After much thinking about things I think our problem boils down to incompatible sex drives and poor communication generally. Dh in a recent "discussion" said that what really annoys him is my refusal to accept that it is my hormones which are the cause of all our problems.

I cannot even begin to articulate exactly why this annoys me so much but it epitomises (I think) his attitude towards me. I feel like a non-person - there's so much more to me than my hormones. But if it is my hormones, surely then he would make allowances for certain times of the month and understand that in a few days I might feel more like giving him the constant physical reassurance that he needs. Instead he starts to stonewall me, tells me things at the last moment, says I'm mumbling, detaches himself... and then accuses me of being cold, snippy, says I push him away and he's walking on eggshells as he doesn't know how I'll react...

I am so tired of all this that every time we get into this stage (probably every 2 weeks or more atm) that I fantasise about leaving him. If we had no dc, then I would but then if we had no dc, I doubt we would be in this mess. We have been married almost 20 years... It feels like being in an impossible position; both options are horrible. Stay in this vicious circle we seem to be in or leave. I keep saying to him that I want us to be partners, friends, have fun and he nods away but really I think he has no idea of what I am talking about. He just wants more sex! (That last bit is no doubt unfair - or at least as unfair as the hormones comment - but it's how I feel...)

I don't really even know what advice I am looking for - but am feeling very fragile...

Sounds like you have been flogging a dead horse

WIth no DC, I would move on.

Sweetheart "HE" doesn't want to do be your partner etc. The hormones is one they all trot out of their mouths to throw blame at you instead of looking at themselves.

I think the OP means she does have DC, hence why she hasn't left.

From your post I would suggest that the problem is not with you or your hormones but with him. Sorry.

OP, I'm most definitely NOT saying it is your hormones but might it be worth keeping a diary/record of yours and his mood/menstrual cycle/disagreements/sex just so you can disprove his theory?

Do you ever discuss in the relate sessions why you are not up for a physical relationship with him and why his attitude about it puts you off?

Sorry - still it can't be very good for your DC to live in this kind of atmosphere, remember that they model future relationships on your marriage....

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

The hormones comment from him is both deflection and projection. He is taking no responsibility for his actions here but chooses to blame you instead.

What do your children think of the two of you; they are likely seeing that you as their mum are miserable within this marriage. They won't thank you ultimately for staying with such an individual like their Dad and could even go onto ask you why you put him in their eyes before them.

What are you both teaching them about relationships?. They are seeing a very poor model for such currently; lessons they could themselves carry over into their own future relationships.

I feel for you OP, it's infuriating when your hormones are blamed for all the "wrongs" in a relationship. My ex used to give it as an excuse for his own fuckwitbehaviour. Admittedly a few days monthly I would get raging PMT but always tried to avoid him during that time to ensure I didn't kill him Incidentally, after I left him it improved dramatically.

Someone else mentioned keeping a diary of your life each month, include everything, when you're feeling PM, any moodiness, snapping, emotions, how many times he wants sex, include everything to look back on.

Also, for YOUR benefit, NOT HIS, if you feel you need it. I'm not saying it is your hormones but want to tell you this - go to the GP and get some Pyridoxine, GP told me that a great number of women who suffer PMT are deficient in the B6 vitamin that's one of the ingredients of this medication, it can really make a difference especially on the mood/emotional side of things. Then he has no excuse for not facing up to the fact that he is being an arse and the problem lies with him.

Thanks all for your replies. I was typing a more lengthy reply yesterday but dh came home so had to abandon.

I have tried to keep a diary in the past and will start it up again. I know that the week before my period I can be very snappy and moody and this feeling lifts just as my period starts. It's like a release of tension. I also suffer terrible headaches/migraines sometimes around ovulation and also at the start of my period. I have started taking zinc to combat this and remembering to cut out alcohol completely (often just when I feel I need it most!) and so far so good this month...

Anyway I was thinking about everything last night when I went to bed and in particular about why I feel I have to name change for this and why I now turn on private browsing when on mn. It's not as if he has given me any reason to suspect that he might be checking up on me but I know he has the techy skills to do so. I had a eureka moment when I realised that maybe I am setting him up - if he is checking up on me and I can prove it then it would show he is controlling and I would have a valid reason to leave. Sounds convoluted I know - it was after midnight! - but I then thought I don't need a reason. I just need to work out whether I want to stay married to him and whether I think he is controlling.

Today I still don't really know what to do but think I will set a time limit of 6 months, do the diary, look at other things which might help with PMT, and think a bit longer and harder about what I really want to do and whether I do still love him.

My main stumbling block are the dc who are 11, 9 and 7. My ds has aspergers. They all adore their dad. I don't know how much they realise about our relationship as most of the time we are pretty normal around them - no arguing or shouting, mainly, if anything, silences but as they are all quite vocal and full-on I don't know if they notice. So is it worth breaking up the family unit because we are unhappy ... ?

Forgot to say anything about our physical relationship...

We have discussed many times the reasons for my lack of desire. We do in fact have sex on average about once a week but I am more and more put off because if I say I don't feel like it then he starts to sulk and accuse me of being cold and unaffectionate. He however has a different interpretation and says that if he initiates sex then I get cross with him and start to blank him and this makes him annoyed with me.

I think that in the beginning I was just exhausted with the kids, he complained about lack of sex. We then had a timetable - Weds and Sat - but it just got increasingly worse for me. I felt like it was all about him and his needs, not about us as a couple. I still feel this. He equates sex with love and despite telling him that I love him whether we have sex or not it makes no difference but pestering me for sex does make a difference to how I feel about him. He also continues to do things I really don't like (stroking my hair for example) and when I ask him not to he says 'but I like it...'

Sometimes it can be very good - when I am feeling up for it and initiate things - but mainly it is not.