My fecking mother.

[Numbthumbs]

My mom and i dont have the best relationship, she says i was a difficult child and have always made bad decisions and mistakes. She is always comparing me to her friends children, one is a doctor and one is a SAHM and asking why i cant be more like them. I am currently at uni studying a good degree to be an NHS professional. (I am nearly 30 so its taken me a while but ive always worked full time since leaving school)

I have a DP who isnt brilliant and we have our ups and downs but we have been together 6 years and have a beautiful DD who is nearly 13 months. Since DD came along he has found it difficult to be a dad (his dad as a role model is appauling) and we have rowed about that but he is there for her and he works full time in a good job to provide for us, i love him. My parents arent too keen, my mother vocally so and we recently fell out because my mom has a huge problem with him not driving (not an issue for us as he doesnt rely on me for lifts and gets the bus to work).

Recently we found out that i am 3 months pregnant, so had the scan and told my parents. Dad is delighted, mom says 'i cant cope with this' gets up and walks out the house. This was last sunday. I rang her today thinking she would have calmed down and igested the initial shock but she told me she was 'cutting her emotional ties with me because all i do is hurt her' and 'here you go making another huge mistake in your life' and 'dont get me invloved in this'. Obviously this made me very upset and i made my excuses and got off the phone.

What the feck should i do now?? We dont rely on my parents in any way thank god (childcare etc). What a selfish way to react to me telling her shes going to be a grandmother. I get that she doesnt like my DP that much but she was over the moon when we told them i was pg with DD. I know she wont apologise so its all on me.

Wtf? Why would she react in such a strange way?

I wouldn't contact her at all! Leave her to contact you - then remind her we all get a life each. She has hers to live as she wishes and you have yours too

Your mother sounds dreadful, what an awful way to behave. Good job your father is pleased for you. I can't think of much you can do except avoid her. Easier said than done, though, I know. Congratulations though!

I am sorry you are going through this. Not good news I'm afraid. My mother reacted in more or less the same way when I told her I was pregnant with my first child. She was disgusting actually, put the phone down on me, the works.

This, I have come to understand is because all her life my mother has tried to control me, and to some degree, my siblings. I was the one who was going to have a career apparently(she didn't specify this to me, although I do have a career-as well as children! SHOCK!!!), and my DSis was going to have children!!

The fact that your mum has been difficult all through your life -and yes, I mean that she has been difficult and not you, always comparing you (unfavourably) with others etc, smacks of a narcissistic personality to me. I used to be suspicious of labels until I looked into the reality of being the unfavoured daughter of a narc mother. It astonished me when I did some research. And please take a look on the stately homes thread on here.

As for the here and now, I don't think there's much you can do except distance yourself as much as you can. She has no empathy, it is all about her and her feelings and sadly, I do not think she will change.

When I called my dad and told him i was pregnant he said "tough luck" and put the phone down. I never spoke to him for 10 years and only speak to him every few months now.

So your pregnancy is all about her and how she feels about it, is it?

Your mother is self-absorbed and toxic to your self-esteem. I'm so sorry you grew up being told you were a difficult child, rather than with the unconditional love that you deserved.

I think you would gain from reading the links at the start of the Stately Home thread - it's for adult children of toxic parents, a place to vent the pain we still carry of having been raised by inadequate parents who still seek to hurt and undermine us as adults.

I especially recommend the books "When you and your mother can't be friends" by Victoria Secunda, "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, and the website Daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Your relationship with a less-than-adequate partner may well also be due to you being conditioned to think you don't deserve much, from the way your mother treated you growing up.

I'm afraid you've been Labelled, and from an early age by the sound of it. She is incapable of seeing you as anything other than what she has stamped you as in her mind- to her that is the reality. You're better off not having her close to you.

What Peppermint and HotDamn have written in their entireity. Do read the books recommended.

I would also suggest that you look at the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic mothers as she (your mother) has made it all about her again and it has always been so. Your dysfunctional relationship with her also conditioned you into choosing the man you are now with. Both of you have had dysfunctional childhoods.

Also such disordered people often blame their children for their inherent ills; what you have been told by her is par for the course re such toxic dysfunctional people.

BTW it is NOT your fault she is like this; her own birth family caused that particular damage. Do you yourself know what her early life was like; that can often give clues.

I think what you need to remember is its not you, its her.

If she wants to withdraw, thats her decision. Let her. Gives you space to focus on the positives in your life.

It may of course be very hurtful. But sometimes when people lay their cards on the table, its easier. Its also (alot) easier if you don't rely on them for anything, and it sounds like you don't.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you all for your posts. They are sooooo true!! I am so glad i posted on here because i have learnt so much about myself and my relationship with my mother. I will definately look at the other thread.
My mom is not caring, has never told me she loved me and is always trying to control me. I have always made excuses for the way she behaved. DP says that i am very difficult to get close to and i dont do physical closeness (apart from private intimacy), i can see where that is coing from now. Her mother (my grandmother) HATED my dad because he came from a bad area and they ran away and got married because they would never have been allowed to otherwise. Telling.....

She has just been round and verbally attacked me in my own house whilst sitting on the sofa calmly drinking a cup of coffee. She said she only supported me through my first pregnancy because she felt she had to but she wont through this one as its my life and she doesnt have to be part of it. I walked out of the room. She followed me and continued to slate me so i asked her to leave, she was shocked to say the least and said that if she left she would be out of my life forever, to which i told her to grow up and stop being so dramatic. She stormed out and nearly killed an old lady with the speed she drove up the street.

I feel sad and hurt but also empowered, like ive learnt a very important lesson on parenting. I love my DD unconditionally, i will never ever treat her like she is second best because it has damaged me.

We have fallen out many times in the past but i have always made it up with her because of my dad, but not this time. Its her loss as my DP says.

You have my sympathy. The only thing to do is to arm yourself against the onslaught that will no doubt keep coming. Well done for asking her to leave. You can tell from her reaction I think that she isn't used to hearing the word "no", so well done on standing your ground.

You are right about your relationship with your DD and your unconditional love. I am glad you see it so clearly. I sometimes struggle with the horror that I might end up like my mum and treat my children as she has treated me. Then I have a word with myself and remind myself that I never ever will, because I have that wonderful quality that narcissists do not possess-empathy. And so do you.

Peppermint it makes me sad that i have a role model like her. I want my children to know how much i love them and that i will always be there for them no matter what they do.

Yep, it makes me sad too. But I am very very glad that I can see the wood for the trees and I am not following the damaging patterns she set down as a mother. That's what you have to do I think-turn it upside down and feel the strength you've got from knowing the truth and viewing your mum as she is. It's a shock when the scales fall from your eyes, but take comfort in knowing that you won't ever make your children feel the way she has made you feel.

You will never have the kind of mother you (we all) desperately wish for. When I tried really hard to accept this(still working on it from time to time!), it actually made me able to tolerate her more, iyswim.

Mind you, I do also live 250 miles away from her! No bloody wonder!

Oh that is so sad to read.

I can't add anything to what others have said but she does sound dreadful. I no longer speak to my mother and it is hard, but better than having her leech all the joy out of my life. I would hold her at her word and stay away from her.

Ive just looked at the stately homes thread and wanted to cry, its so true!!

I am so angry at the mo, my brother has mental health issues and up until now i havent known why but its all falling into place, every child needs love and we never got any, yes we got trips and pets and nice dinners but we never got hugs and kisses and cuddles. He has been with his girlfriend for a year now and hasnt taken her round to meet my parents, i thought it odd as they live together but now i know why! My mom and brother have always had a terrible relationship, he is a 26 year old strapping lad of 6 foot 4 and ive never seen him emotional but my mom always seems to make him cry.

DD went through a stage of not settling off to sleep when she hit 9 months, my mom told me to leave her to it. I refused and spent the next 2 months trying everything to get her to self settle (co-sleeping, sitting next to the cot etc) and she told me that DD was just having me on and she should be left to cry with the door shut because thats what she did to me. I said she could be crying for ten minutes or so, she said i used to cry for hours and she had to turn the tv up!!!!!

I am soooooooo glad i asked her to leave.

OP: Urgh, your mum sounds just like mine. It's only in the last few years that I've learnt to deal with her.

The Stately Homes thread is good. I dip in there occasionally. There's also a book called Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown which I found helpful.

My Mum's reaction on hearing I was pregnant with my second child (not the same father as the first) was "if it goes wrong this time, you're on your own". Well, unfortunately, it did go wrong - he died. She kept to her word, avoiding me when my OH died and then after our daughter was born.

She did volunteer to look after my DD for 2 days a week once she reached about 10 months/a year old, which was very good of her. I hope for her sake that she managed to heal herself of some of her rotten childhood. Unfortunately, she had to give up as she kept having falls due to her outrageous alcohol intake during the evenings (I only found this out much later). She's now dying.

Like jane says, if she wants to withdraw, it's up to her. Hurtful, but easier.

Oh Lemony how horrible.

I had to laugh (hollow) when I read that your mum used to turn up the tv when you cried OP. My mum used to put us at the bottom of the garden in the pram when we cried. She is quite proud of it, evidence of her "straightforward no-nonsense" parenting approach apparently. Hey ho.

Numbthumbs, you are a very brave person. I agree fully with other posters who have said your mother sounds narcissistic. Both my parents are narcs and I cannot imagine having the guts to stand up to them like you did, making it clear that you are simply not prepared to put up with their behaviour any more! It's exactly what you need - boundaries and self-assertion. It's bloody hard though.

The non-responsive, non-emphathetic attitude to babies and small children you describe is also something I recognise. I have seen my mother with little babies and noticed how directive and firm she is with them, she's also very fond of this theory that babies will become 'naughty' and will 'rule the roost' unless you show them who's boss It's disturbing and very sad.

I don't know if it's a possibility for you but psychotherapy is changing my life bit by bit, I don't know how I would be coping without it. The Stately Homes thread is also an excellent source of support. Congratulations on baby no 2!

What is going on in their minds!!
All i get is 'im on antidepressants because of you' and 'i havent slept in years because of you' and 'i only drink because of you'. I moved out when i was 18 and lived in a filthy house because i had to get away from her.
She hit me once.....its all coming flooding back.

Congratulations to you.

Actually, it sounds as if you would be better without her in your life.

Children can be difficult-as the adult, you deal with it without blaming them.

It´s unconditional love.

Bloody good for you, telling her to leave your house! Go numbthumbs!

Well done Numbthumbs! How dare she be so rude to you.