Why lie about pointless stuff?

[whythelies]

Sorry this is long . . .

This may sound a bit petty but I am quite stressed about it!

Basically DH has always been a fab husband and dad to our 2 DCs, I couldn't think of anything that has not been ok until recently.

His mum passed away last year and I think he may be suffering from depression but he just doesn't talk to me at all about it, his GP said she thought he was and to go back in a fortnight but he never did. He can be distant and MN made me paranoid and I am ashamed to say I have done a bit of snooping and I am sure there is nothing dodgy going on.

He has been prone to not telling me stuff in the past - nothing major IMO but for instance he went away with his friends a few years back and originally told me they were going to a place where the airport was but in fact they were going to nearby place that was a well know tourist-ridden place. He didn't lie as such but asked me to book flights but never actually said where he was going and someone else mentioned it.

Also, there was a woman at his work that we think fancied him a bit and she was a bit of a pain, I am certain nothing happened between them as he really didn't like her in that way and I do think he is trustworthy in that way but bascially he went away with my dad and brother and they bumped into her. He didn't tell me afterwards but my dad mentioned it a few days later. There was no point in not telling me and he was very upset that I was upset by it and apologised profusely.

The latest incident, he mentioned a few months ago that he has been invited on a stag do. Something made me remember last night about it and I asked if he knew anymore as he hadn't mentioned it since. He said no nothing at all but for some reason I didn't believe him. I looked at his e-mails (awful I know) and about 2 weeks ago there was a message about it which he had replied to saying he was up for 3 or 4 nights.

I questioned him again and made up something to get him to check (too long to explain) and he said he had forgotten. I was really upset as I don't know why his is lying about this. He wouldn't really talk to me but said he loved me more than anything and would never do anything to hurt me but wouldn't discuss it much.

He was very stressed out this morning and still wouldn't talk, he looked very upset.

So, should I push the issue or just leave it, am I being petty over something not that important???

Maybe he forgot? I forgot I had agreed to go out for dinner the other week and claimed to DP I had not spoken to one of the party for months. I never remember things like that.

I think really the issue is, do you trust your husband? If you do, then don't worry about it, or tell him about your anxieties in a non-accusatory fashion.

If you don't, then what he has or hasn't done is irrelevant. You have a problem in your marriage.

Thank you.

If he is depressed then maybe this is something that could be part of it - ie forgetfulness. He has a bad memory in general but usually when asked about something it will jog his memory - thats why I felt it was odd.

I do trust him so I know I am being silly, I am as sure as you can be that he wouldn't do anything to jeopordise our relationship/family.

I guess what I needed from him was reassurance that he just forgot and that nothing else is wrong. He seems to be so stressed about us falling out over it that it has made me concerned that there is more.

He is not depressed. He is grieving.

My mother has recently died.

Although there was no affection between us, a mood will come over me for random periods. Bereavement has phases, and there is no logical sequence.

(A difficult thing to describe in words.)

I surmise he may even be revisiting places where he went with his mother.

He may need some time and space.

Its impossible to be certain whether he is lying or genuinely forgets.

I will say though, that when it comes to remembering stuff or even deciding what is important to tell you or not, there is no universal truth.

Everyone's different and had different thresholds for these things. What is key critical information to one person is meaningless detail to another. Likewise some people just have better memories than others.

It doesn't seem to me from the examples you give he is deliberately lying. If he is depressed then he may not be that interested in the detail of things ie exactly where he's going who he happened to meet an e-mail he sent a couple of weeks ago? I agree with what cakesays. What is meaningless to one person is critical and of great interest to another.

For example has your DH ever told you that a mutual aquaintence, friend etc has had a baby?? Quite often that is about as much information my DP will have (if I'm lucky the sex of the baby). He wouldn't be particularly interested in the name, weight, date of birth etc etc. Even if he were told these fact he wouldn't probably remember. He's just not that interested so wouldn't go into the detail of it.

DP is very much like your DH (but he is not depressed!). He wouldn't think to tell me he'd bumped into someone in the circumstances you mention. The only way he would mention it would be if they said something which he thought would be of interest to me. If a third party was arranging some sort of trip he wouldn't know the detail of it. He'd just let them get on with. The important bit would be as in your case that he got the correct tickets booked but unless he had to book the hotel he wouldn't know exactly where he he was going until he got there. With the stag do I would only have said he was lying if he'd told you he was going for three nights and was actually going for four. From waht you say it looks like they are still in the planning stage is they're still making decisions about how long to stay etc so he may not have particularly remembered an e-mail from a couple of weeks ago asking his view on some aspect of it.

I wouldn't say he was lying from the examples given he's just not interested in the detail of a lot of things so doesn't bother wasting his time (in his view) remembering all the minutiae about things.

I think you need to give your DP some space. When you feel depressed, stressed or overwhelmed, unnecessary fuss (in your mind)over what you feel you feel are trivial matters can just make it worse and will make him close down even more.

Thank you so much everyone, I feel quite overwhelmed with relief. It does make sense, everything you have all said.

I will definitely give him a bit more space. He has just texted me to say he loves me and that everything is fine with us. I do feel better.

This is why I love MN, it makes you see things rationally.

Hopefully we can just move on from this and I will take on board everything you have said about the grieving/depression thing. In no way way can I understand what he is going through, his real mum left him when he was 18 months old and this amazing woman came into his life when he was about 7 so to lose her is awful of course.