My cousin, my baby and me

[MammaTonic]

I do hope that this is the right place to post this thread. There is a lot forbid take but I'll try to be as brief and relevant as possible.

I'm 29yo and my (female) cousin is 40yo. I am an only child and she is my eldest cousin. I was in absolute awe of her when I was growing up; so beautiful, popular, loving. Kind of like the big sister I never had.

We have never been alike, though, despite me desperately wanting to be when I was younger. We've always been quite different and this became very apparent when I was a teenager. For example, I got into the rock scene whilst she had been a Hacienda-frequenting girl in her youth (insider vs. outsider is why I'm trying to communicate). She's very friend-oriented, too, and has very close friends who I feel she prioritises over me the family

We had a big fallout about 7 years ago after she invited me round to her house for lunch, but instead left me babysit her then 8yo whilst she went out with one of her friends who 'called by.' When I confronted her about this, she didn't see the problem and told me I was being paranoid. We didn't speak for a few months and in the meantime, she announced that she was getting married. I had to completely back down to get invited.

Anyway, the crux of the matter and what I'm asking advice for is this:

I had a baby (DD2) 13 weeks ago. I had an ELCS. I asked for family (aside from my parents and in-laws) to give us some space for a couple of weeks until I felt more like myself. Week 3 I texted my cousin to invite her over - she didn't text me back for 2 weeks. We arranged to meet at my house one Friday afternoon, but she let me down half-an-hour before being due to visit as she wanted to do her garden ...

So we rearranged for the following Monday afternoon (baby is 6 wo by now). She called me after I'd been waiting for her for 45 minutes to tell me he had been in a meeting, was now shattered an going home, so could we rearrange?

I couldn't hide my disappointment; she asked whether I was disappointed and I said that I was, that she'd let me down. She got snippy then, saying "well, I WORK FULL TIME". I told her not to be defensive - she'd asked how she'd made me feel, and I was being honest. She tried to rearrange there and then, but the days she was suggesting were inconvenient to me, plus, she had already let me down twice (once to do her garden. I'm still so pisse off about that). The call then ended abruptly as we were both getting angry and were trying to avoid an argument (especially me in front of my 3 yo).

And so it's been left like that, really. She's been on holiday in the interim and left the baby's present with her mom to give to me. But I've just been so angry with her, a part of me wanted to throw the gift at my aunt (I didn't!)

My cousin left a voicemail the other day trying to arrange meeting again. It was like "if you can spare JUST ONE HOUR; the week is no good for me - I work FULL TIME and as I've been on holiday CANNOT TAKE ANY MORE TIME OFF."

?

I don't know where all of this is coming from now. I've arrange to meet get for the allotted hour in a couple of Saturday's time, but I'm dreading it. I can't just smile and roll over to keep the peace. I am still mad at her. But WWYD if you were in my situation? How would you handle yourself at this meeting?

TIA,

MammaT

I agree with your cousin - if she works full time and has her own family, time is going to be a bit tight for her. OK, the garden thing might have irritated, but maybe she had bought a load of plants which needed to go in, and rain was threatening.

You do sound a bit precious and "it's all about meeee", to be honest. Sorry. Your baby is not as interesting to others as it is to you.

She sounds like a twat and i'd politely leave her to it, tbh! If she wants to meet, make her come to you and have a list of non-urgent household jobs to do so when if she doesn't show, you have still been productive. Or, arrange to see her at your parents house so you can visit them too when if she doesn't bother :)

I'd leave her to get in touch with you

Okay she works and doesn't have much time. But I was brought up to keep arrangements unless it is impossible to do otherwise. She sounds rude and unpleasant, and I wouldn't really want her in my life.
Why don't you arrange to meet her somewhere, so you have something else to do if she doesn't show? Or make sure you have some pleasant things to do if she doesn't show at your house when arranged. Or even arrange to call on her?

Ps, i'd agree with MrsSchadenfreude if it sounded like the cousin was in the least bit apologetic!

I would suggest that you leave it again, if you want to, text her and tell her what time on the weekend suits you, I assume she really can't do week days if she works full time and has just been on holiday, but then she doesn't need to make a fuss about it. Don't feel the need to cancel anything else, if you aren't free this weekend, then say so, tell her the next weekend date you are available.

After that, accept she doesn't see you as a priority, you might have looked up to her, but she might still see you as the little girl who's time is not as important as hers IYSWIM.

Her behavour towards you over the years suggests she's not all that interested in you, so stop trying to accomodate her, if she wants to see you on a weekend, tell her she can fit round your other plans, if she wants to invite you over, if she tries to leave you to babysit, you can refuse and say "I'm leaving now." (wish you'd posted at the time, I'd have told you that her wedding is only important to her, so not to back down if she wanted you there then she would have to make the effort).

BTW - just to check, does she have childcare in place for the summer? I wouldn't be surprised now you are off on Maternity leave and she 'works full time' you might get roped in. Make sure if she does ask, you say no. Don't get bullied into it.

I love the difference in opinion! I

The only thing I can say, is it sounds like there is a lot more going on than a missed appointment.

It could be that you are needy and self-obsessed and expect everyone to worship you; it could be that your cousin expects you to run around adoring her and doesn't like it when you are the centre of attention; it could be that your cousin is going through a really hard time emotionally atm and can't face coming to see you with a new baby.

Hero-worship never ends well. It sounds like you hero-worshipped this cousin. Understandable as a youngster and single child, but you are both grown-ups now. The problem is that emotions are running high and you need to calm then down before you meet up, or it will end in tears. So maybe, assume that things have been hard for her at work, when she comes ask her about work/home etc. If you are pleasant and interested in her when she comes round, her reaction will tell you everything (i.e. if she says she's sorry for having let you down and coos over the baby, all is well - if she is off and awkward with you then I think you need to sadly get some distance).

Well she sounds a bit rude but she's only your cousin - not your mum or your sister! I think you expect a bit too much and are overthinking things. Bear in mind as well, that she's 11 years older than you so its not like you are in the same peer group. I don't suppose for a minute that she sees this the way you do. If you value the friendship then just talk to her when you've both got time to meet. Congratulations on your baby :)

Wow! Thank-you everyone for your honest and useful feedback :) It is so useful to receive the opinions of others who aren't in my immediate circle.

I can completely see how, from what I've said on this post, how I may come off as a bit needy and/or self-obsessed. In my defence, I would say that I'm in no way more concerned with myself than an average person and I have often put the needs of others before my own on numerous occasions throughout my life. But I can take such criticism on the chin. I am not perfect and I know I am not the centre of everyone's world, particularly my cousin! But this is my baby we are talking about, and we are supposedly a close extended family, so it has hurt me that my cousin has acted in this way, and put me off for a very menial task (it's the gardening thing that is the biggest irritant). I made a big fuss when her 2 children were born; she was lovey when my first daughter came along, so this has come as a surprise.

There is a lot more going on than what I've written Triffi is completely spot-on and I won't hesitate to admit that I completely hero-worshipped my cousin whilst growing up. I suffered from an eating disorder from aged 2002-2008, so I have experienced deep feelings of inadequacy before. I've come a long way in addressing and overcoming these issues, but evidently such insecurities can recur.

I've realised a few years ago that my cousin meant more to me I did to her; I know that she still regards me as her dippy little cousin, and I've since been able to 'let go'. I accept that we are very different and that we probably wouldn't be friends if we weren't family. For example, she co-owns an independent telecommunications company; I am an artist and art tutor. Very different. It's fine - I know I'm not the person who she thinks I am and that's because she deems her world view as the 'right' one; her opinion is the most important one. According to her, my head is in the clouds. I think her head is wedged firmly up her backside, but hey!

Work is very important to her, so I need to respect our different priorities. I may not like them, it may mean we have even less to do with one another, but so be it. I'm going to meet her in a couple of weeks time at a department store for coffee so even if she lets me down, I won't be fuming in the house. I'll be civil - I'll ask about work and if it comes up, I will say that I was disappointed that she cancelled twice. I can understand after her meeting, but not for the garden. I'll try to avoid conflict, but I won't bend over!

Thanks again everyone,

MT

I think you have a good understanding of the situation, MT- it sounds like you have looked up to her, but want approval and attention now, and for whatever reason, she's happy to see you when she sees you but it is not her top priority. And, if you are not friends, I think this is reasonable enough, I love my cousins dearly, but I wouldn't be racing round if they had a second or third baby (or even first), I'd probably call in first month or two and visit when convenient.

In her defense, she did try to rearrange/called again. I also get the impression you may have pushed her into trying to arrange things on her workdays, which then end up not fitting in- my husband is like this, over-promises and then cancels and pissed people off.

I would wait til she really is free/you are free and make it a time and a place that suits you too.

And, perhaps get over worshipping her and then being overly negative when she blows you out. Ok, it's not that great to cancel, but she is family and she was working, she's pretty busy with a full-time job and two children and probably thought as you were family you would be a bit understanding if her meeting overran. Be mildly disappointed, but you 've said that now, so don't repeat it when you see her, otherwise it's really overdramatising family relationships.