Am I really such a shite freind?

[MairyHinge]

Utterly fed up. 2 years ago I had lots of friends, then I'm not sure what happened, think depression took over, and I now have 2 people I'd call freind, only 1 I would really call good freind.
I had a best freind, let's call her Ellie, we went on a girlie weekend, she behaved awfully, moaned, complained and was generally painful. Me being loyal, I stood by my other freind, Kay,who I'd known longer and who'd booked the whole thing.
Kay & I fell out with Ellie.
Then there's jan, her & I were good mates, til she got a new fella, who is bloody awful, no one likes him, but I tried to, I really did. Anyway, she now won't speak to me I even texted her the other day to ask for a catch up ( not spoken since December) have had no reply.
Kay has split ith her hubby, and recently went on a night out with others but Ellie was there!! And they are friends again!! I feel utterly betrayed and hurt.
I wasn't invited on this night out because Ellie was going, as was another woman I used to be freinds with but who took Ellie's side.

Sigh. Not sure what I want. I am a good freind, very loyal, but maybe that's the problem? I'm toooo loyal,and I take no shit. If I'm treated badly I retreat to lick my wounds and don't go back.
Is there anything I can do? I'm not good at getting out there and making new freinds ( anxiety).
Out of all of them I do miss jan, we were really good mates, but her fella is controlling and I think she knows I don't like him ( although I always accepted him as part of her).

Really down & depressed.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense but it's such an epic tale!!!

I don't think it's a bad thing either to have a few good friends or to be choosy about your friends. It can be a problem if you set the bar too high because it can mean you end up isolated. Anxiety often comes across as aloof or anti-social - bear that in mind. Leaping to defend one friend against another can often backfire - let people fight their own battles. So keep your small number of really good friends and instead work on developing your circle of acquaintances.... people you can hang out with occasionally & share interests but with whom you don't have to exchange all the gory details about your life that can be used as ammunition. In the Kay/Ellie scenario I think it's simply a case of 'three's a crowd'. Jan will need a friend when she finally wakes up to her horrible partner so stay in touch.

Don't think you're a shit friend but i do think you've made things harder for yourself than they needed to be. Don't take sides - that's a lesson I learned the hard way - and don't bear grudges. Not worth it and in the end it's always you that ends up hurting most.

It all sounds a bit playground, falling outs and getting upset when one friend makes up with another. I'm really not being mean but could it be that you seem like heard work to have as a friend?

Thanks all, I do set the bar too high and I o bear grudges... Really stupid.
Just wish I had freinds who treated me like I treat them, but I get let down every time. I'm gutted about the night out I wasn't invited on that resulted in Kay & Ellie becoming freinds again, they were both my freinds, seperately, I introduced them now I'm the outsider.
Aaaaggggghhhhh...it makes my brain hurt :-(

Women fall out of petty things all the time. Good friends get over it, and don't bear grudges. My best friend sent me a really mean email yesterday. I was a bit put out, but we both got over it.... partly because when I was rubbish to her once she extended the olive branch and got us back on track. I just said I was upset, but she was someone who'd always been there for me and I valued her opinion.

Ring people up, don't text, say sorry for bad feeling and arrange a coffee or something. It is often worth saying sorry even when you don't feel you are in the wrong.

If you come across as miserable or hard work or resentful it will be harder to make friends.

No, your not a shite friend, quite the opposite. Thing is most people don't really have any loyalty and only a lip service to morality. They just want a good time. Just look through history and you'll find that most people just make sure they are on winning side. People that put them selves out there with a principle always get treated badly until they win and then everybody makes out they were behind them all the time.

If I were you I'd be friendly with them but keep them at an arms length and make new friends knowing what you know now about people.

I left a comment earlier. They eyebrow was a succint response to the poster just above me, who thoroughly deserved a raised eyebrow.

Well Penis, I think perhaps you haven't read my op properly? It's not "playground" FFS, I'm not immature, I'm just suffering At the mo with the obvious fact that my loyalty means nothing to my 'freind' who I stuck by, and has now trampled all over me.
Call it playground if you like, I'm not really bothered, if you have nothing positive to contribute then don't bother.

Cgno... I agree, certainly in the case of Kay, she is a glory freind,happy to be freinds with anyone if it means a night out and a photo opportunity.

Hidingbeneathnamechange.....I would love to ring jan, but she is very stubborn and hard, and also I believe she is under control of her fella so it wouldn't achieve anything. I texted her, opened the door, and I know she got the text, so I guess it's up to her....and I have my answer ( complete silence).
Thanks all x

If it makes you feel any better, my 'best' friend (or who I thought was my best friend) I have not seen since April 2011. I have tried texting her and she doesn't respond so I've given up. She was my bridesmaid at my wedding and I've known her 12 years....it happens to the best of us. I have decided to not take it personally as I do have other friends and making new ones since moving house. OP, are there any groups you can go to to make new friends?

I have read it actually, and I stand by my comments. You and a friend "fell out" with another friend and stopped speaking to her (very playground) and then when they acted like grown ups and made up, you got offended and angry at both of them, ("utterly betrayed and hurt", because two people who fell out over a stupid thing are friends again? Thats bizarre) All the teenage angst is not normal amongst grown women. Friendships change over time, people change and move on, its natural. Trying to force people to be your version of what a good friend is is not fair.

You seem to expect an awful lot from people without giving much yourself. You are inflexible, unforgiving, and harsh. I imagine you will see this as me being nasty, however you posted asking for opinions and it is positive to see the other people find your behaviour odd, perhaps you could have a real look at how you conduct friendships in order to improve them.

Wow kick a weeping dog....
Anyway, PVL I agree about friendships changing, people changing etc, and yes I do have high expectations of my friends, because I am fiercely loyal & give my all , more fool me.
I am not inflexible tho, I have done ALOT for these people, free child care, weekends away with their kids so they can work, given money, shoulder to cry on. I am not unforgiving...jan is the one who used me for free childcare, lied to me about why she needed the child care ( yet the truth didn't bother me, so why lie?), and walked away without a backward glance when I needed her, yet I'VE texted HER to try to put it behind us. Maybe I am harsh, but that's because I've been repeatedly treated like crap, I've got MUG tattooed somewhere I'm sure of it.
I know now that I have to stop being so demanding of people, and will from now on give a lot less of myself & my time.
Friendships do come & go, I'm old enough to realise that, just sometimes, when you've been through so much with someone, you think it'll always be ok.
I've known Kay 18 years, we've seen each other through marriage, children, my cancer, her divorce, yet she is flighty and I'm just too old for shit like that.

PVL, I was pissed when I wrote the last post and did extrapolate a little, but will still stand by it (pissed again because I'm an alcy). But, I think you might be an apologist for bastards.