Relationship Counselling? What does it acheive?

[Ormiriathomimus]

As some of you may know from my ranting and sobbing on this board, I have discovered DH had an affair with someone he works with. As far as I know it's all over and it wasn't physical - I am aware the jury is still out on those 2 facts so I am reserving final judgement. I keep being recommended to try relationship counselling - I am considering it. We both want to make it work. But I am full of unresolved feelings not least the fact that I have lost trust in a man I trusted 100%.

Can anyone tell me what it will acheive? What would we be asked ? What would the counsellor do?
Thanks

The counsellor would make you look at yourselves. It is the kindest, most loving DISCIPLINE I have ever come across.

Counselling changed my yet to be born children's lives. I came from a harsh, uncaring abusive family and I WOULD have done what was done to me.

Instead, I took what I learned in counselling, the gentle implacability of it, and applied that when I became a mother. They are an absolute joy, my only triumph over my past and I WOULD have vented on them, abused them and turned them into untrusting liars, unachieving avoiders and self-doubters.

A counsellor is there to facilitate a conversation. They can prompt you to think a little differently and encourage you to open up but the bulk of the work is done by the couple themselves, asking and answering their own questions, agreeing to changes. Relationships often get into behavioural/attitudinal bad habits when one says/does X and the other automatically responds with Y, etc. An outsider's perspective can be enough to break the habit.

If you both want to work on it that's a good start. But do be conscious that repairing trust is a very, very difficult business that, even with 100% openness, effort and commitment from the offender, you may never have the feelings you describe resolved.

My exH had affairs, and we went to Relate after his 2nd affair - the only problem was he hates talking about 'stuff' and wouldn't open up at all during our sessions, and only gave yes or no answers.....which was no use to us at all!! Nothing go sorted/resolved, all got brushed under the carpet and became the big elephant in the room. 5 years later after exH's 3 rd affair, I left him and took our 3 DC with me. Unfortunately, the reality of it all hit me and i spent quite a few months depressed and in a very dark place. I then sought counselling on my own, and felt that it did me no good at all. All the counsellor wanted to talk about was my childhood, and not the problems that had got me to where I was. I only attended a few sessions and then gave up and, with the help of some very good friends and family, who allowed me to talk and talk and cry and cry, i came out the other end. Counselling can work if you both put 100% in......good luck :)

Hi it is supposed to be a place where you can both explore and examine your feelings, safely get everything out in the open to better your understanding of your relationship and then find ways to move forward or not as the case maybe. I have no personal experience but my closest friend and her exh went to relate for a year. She was told initially by the counsellor that it will only help if both parties are totally committed and honest and that both parties can trust that is the case iyswim. she found it very helpful although ultimately it also made her realise that she didn't want to be with him after his affair. The counsellor saw them separately then together. Just to say -by way of disclaimer-my only experience with a counsellor was for PTSD following birth trauma and I found it very unhelpful but I know my friend found it great, just wanted to mention in case my own experience had biased my wording

My DH had individual counselling first - he needed to work through his issues and be able to talk about his affair in a safe space.

Then we both went for marriage counselling. It was our opportunity to work through our feelings and thoughts about the affair and to work on the individual vulnerabilities in our relationship. It also helped us improve our communication skills. We didn't attend many joint sessions as we did a lot of talking at home using the skills we had learned.

Thanks

Texted DH and he said to go ahead and book a session. Apointments with local Relate are few and far between when we are able to go but I am going to ring them now.

It will simply help get things out in the open and give you a safe space to discuss it. Don't expect the counsellor to give any advice, or fix anything for you. It is highly unlikely that they will take sides - and the cheater's feelings will be considered as valid as the cheated. They might help point out some things in your relationship that you can't see for yourselves.

We had a similar situation to yours, (except actually it was quite a long affair and it was physical) and ironically we were in counselling before the affair was discovered because things were not good. When I discovered the affair we agreed that the counsellor was rubbish and we ditched her and found another one. It was helpful and actually after a few sessions we found we were ready to move on. NB we are still together several years later.

By the way, if you aren't happy with the first person you try, it's worth persisting. There is a great variety of styles and quality of counselling out there. Good luck.

Thankyou nimpy

Just tried relate. No evening appointments until 30th August And they wanted me to pay up front. I really can't afford it - £44 for an initial consulation and then up to 60 per session.

I know it is expensive and there is a waiting list. Also relate can be hit and miss with some counsellors having very old fashioned views of affairs.

We decided to go for independent counsellors:

www.bacp.co.uk/

(it is still expensive using this route but then divorce is very expensive...)