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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH insults me and then says "I was only joking" long rant sorry

26 replies

LuckyLuckyMe · 18/07/2012 23:57

Hi. Sorry but I need to rant.

I'm so p*ed off with "D"H. I do 99% of housework, childcare, 100% bedtime routine, cooking etc. He works long hours it's not really the issue.

I forgot to post a thank you card and present for the second day in a row. My DSis had surgery last week. I've spent from 1pm to 7.30pm today taking her to the hospital, cleaning and shopping for her and with DC's off school I haven't had time to do anything other than cook,wash get DC's out the door and cook and wash again.

DH comes in, sees the thank you card and present and says in a loud sarcastic tone in front of the DC's "oh I see mummy hasn't sent the present again. I suppose daddy will have to do it. If daddy doesn't do it it doesn't get done does it DC's??" I say excuse me. Tell the DC's you are joking as that is not fair. (I seriously don't get a minute to myself EVER and do everything DC and house related)
He winks at DC1 and says I'm only joking. He says nothing to me. No apology. I told him I was pissed off and belittled. He says I'm overreacting as he was "only joking". I'm not laughing. I feel like punching him.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 19/07/2012 00:05

What a twat. You must be exhausted. Joking like that is not fair and it's not funny...and it puts you in a difficult position cos if you complain then you look like you can't take a joke. It also undermines your position with your children and is out of order. I can understand why you'd feel like punching him. (not condoning violence but yes...).

BertieBotts · 19/07/2012 00:07

Hmm, funny, because it doesn't sound like it was a joke to me at all. This is actually a fairly common underhand and dare I say abusive tactic, because if they follow something with "I was joking" it means you can't get upset about it, at least without being seen as a humourless bitch. It's very belittling and it's supposed to make you feel stupid because you shouldn't mind - but the opposite is true, you definitely should mind.

I'm sure you will get people saying this is irrelevant because you were the one who suggested it was a joke, but I'm going to take a wild guess and say that it wasn't a one off incident and this kind of comment followed by "I'm only joking!" comment is fairly regular. Also, the fact he made the comment in the first place speaks volumes about the amount of respect he has for you (little) and the amount he values what you do (little), not to mention the fact he does nothing and leaves everything up to you Angry

Original poster
LuckyLuckyMe · 19/07/2012 00:09

Thanks Loving . It's about the 4/5th time this year. I feel hurt, insulted and belittled and then told I'm overreacting. I started to doubt myself and think I was overreacting but I'm not. I don't think it's much to ask for him to come up with a better "joke"

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyLuckyMe · 19/07/2012 00:11

You're right Bertie It's not the first time Sad and I think you're spot on with the rest of your comments.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 19/07/2012 00:12

Why don't you take him at his word?

Cook and wash for the dc and yourself and leave him to sort everything else, including posting the card & gift.

He might even get to realise that being a skvvy not having a minute to yourself is no joke.

Lovingfreedom · 19/07/2012 00:18

I agree with BB. If it's a one-off then ok it's a not very funny joke. If he does that kind of thing frequently then it is abusive/bullying/something like that. You're not over-reacting. If you're tired and over-worked you could probably do with some support, understanding and credit for what you have done, rather than getting castigated for things you haven't managed to do yet. Your natural response in this situation also is to go on the defensive and say 'no it's ok I'll do it' but you could say 'oh yes' and pass on that job to him.

Original poster
LuckyLuckyMe · 19/07/2012 00:21

Sounds like a plan izzyizin
I was thinking of waiting til he wanted, ahem, sorting and tell him seeing as he does everything that he should do that too.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 19/07/2012 00:21

He works long hours? So do you. Domestic chores and childcare are work. In a healthy couple-relationship, both partners have the same amount of leisure time. I bet that doesn't happen in your house. I bet he does exactly what he likes when he is at home while you are cooking, cleaning, tidying, minding the children and doing all the social support like sending birthday cards from the family.

I also bet that you are losing or have lost interest in having sex with him and he's moaning about that. He considers you his servant, and he merits one good stern talking to about his attitude, and if that doesn't work, think about getting rid of him.

Original poster
LuckyLuckyMe · 19/07/2012 00:29

God you are all right. I need to talk to him. He obviously has no respect for me and what I do.

SGB he does just expect to sit down and watch tv then he comes home where I am running around after DC til at least 3 hours after I have lost my patience.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/07/2012 00:35

Don't withdraw sex as a bargaining chip. Always a bad plan.

However if you don't actually want to have sex with him (which includes "sorting" him, nice, sounds so romantic Confused) then don't do that either. You are not responsible for his sex life. You don't owe him. I don't think I'd feel particularly attracted to someone who clearly thought so little of me, or have the energy to feel sexy after running around doing all of that all day!

Original poster
LuckyLuckyMe · 19/07/2012 00:51

I have bugger all interest in sex at the moment tbh. I am exhausted, stressed, have a prolapse (am awaiting surgery) and I feel overwhelmed and taken for granted.

Thanks Bertie I DO feel responsible for his sex life. And I DO "sort him out" even when I'm not in the mood. I'd feel guilty if I didn't. I'm starting to think that maybe he makes me feel guilty.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 19/07/2012 01:04

Oh what a surprise, he's making sex into a chore for you as well, and complaining that you don't perform that properly.
TBH this knob is probably irredeemable because the belief that a woman is somewhere between domestic pet and domestic appliance - with fuckhole attached - is generally pretty deep-rooted.

BonkeyMollocks · 19/07/2012 01:08

God some men really do need their balls put in a clamp til they realise how gosh darn lucky they are! Angry

I really hope you manage to get something sorted OP

BonkeyMollocks · 19/07/2012 01:09

*god

Original poster
LuckyLuckyMe · 19/07/2012 01:14

SGB He's never complained about sex but as I'm never in the mood it is really a chore.

You have actually made me laugh with his "belief that a woman is somewhere between domestic pet and domestic appliance - with fuckhole attached" comment, even though it's quite sad because it's most likely true. Your turn of phrase has, at least, put a smile on my face.

I think I need to sleep on it and have a word in the morning.

Thanks to everyone who's replied. It's so great that I can talk about something like this at this time at night.

OP posts:
AllOutOfLove · 19/07/2012 01:22

Op are you living my life? It is exactly the same for me. I am expected to do all the shopping, washing and cleaning as well as minding the children 12 hours of the day! He also used he phrase "sorting me out". It drives me crazy. If I'm not in the mood for sex I'm not in the mood for anything sexual AT ALL!

I don't know your situation but for me personally, it has gone on long enough. I am planning on leaving him and am stashing money and important documents in readiness for that time. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of then do something. Fix it if it can be fixed or get out and live your life. I hope whatever you choose works out for the best for you.

BertieBotts · 19/07/2012 01:31

You can always count on SGB to be blunt in a situation like this Grin

Ooh, apologies to be so flippant, but I am so Envy of when you finally break free of this fucking arse and find yourself a real man who reminds you of what it's like to actually want sex, to enjoy it and participate in it as an equal driver, because, quite frankly, that moment is awesome Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 19/07/2012 09:07

Clearly some men think that a wife is something they've bought with their wages, along with the car, the telly, and other useful and entertaining commodities. They've paid for it, therefore they expect it to function according to specifications. The "partnership" concept has really passed them by.

diddl · 19/07/2012 09:15

God he sounds absolutely bloody horrible.

I´d give him the fucking present & card to post!

As well as leaving all other jobs where possible.

Then he´d find out what he has to do because you don´t!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/07/2012 09:33

He's being a wanker. I'd have shoved the card and present up his arse.

I don't have kids, but I'm pretty sure that talking to your DP like that in front of them, 'through' them, is not a good idea. They are being used and you are not presenting a united parental front. Also, obviously, he gets to say whatever he wants because you can't say much in front of the DCs.

I can only reiterate everyone else's advice to cook, clean etc for you and the DCs for a bit. It will become abundantly clear exactly how much 'daddy' actually does.

oldwomaninashoe · 19/07/2012 09:41

Give him the card and present to post, as if he doesn't do it it won't get done.
How about "asking" him to do it because you are so busy, also "ask " him to help you out in other areas.

My DH and my sons are always telling me they are not mind readers, when I complain about the amount of "stuff" I have to do.
So now I just ask them and surprisingly enough it generally works.

Yama · 19/07/2012 09:45

Agree with everyone else.

I always cringe when husbands insult their wives and dress it up as jokes. My Dad has started doing this to my Mum. If I hear it I loudly instruct him to "Speak to Mum with respect."

After your talk with him, if you do manage to sort things out you should be alert to disrespect and nip in the bud. Like a broken record - "Remember we agreed to speak to each other with respect." Same sentence every time.

countingto10 · 19/07/2012 09:54

My DH makes jokes like this and he really is joking but I have asked him to stop as we have only sons and they don't "get"/understand that he genuinely is joking so they start making disrespectful comments/behaving disrespectfully to me (DH actually witnessed one incident and realised it was down to how he spoke to me in a jokey way but them misunderstanding because of their ages/ASD issues). The most important influence to a child is the same sex parent (according to Dr Phil Hmm) so our DHs are showing our sons how to treat women and fortunately my DH understood this PDQ.

Hope I made sense but I don't accept any comments like this from DH and to be fair he doesn't make them now.

plutocrap · 19/07/2012 17:46

My God, last year I forgot to do something major, which was change our address for Child Benefit - and we needed the document with our current address on it for our son's school application. So in January, with only about a fortnight to the application deadline, I realised this, and was nearly in tears.

Despite my being a SAHM, I had done all the other address changes for our house move (err... actually last summer Blush), collected all the other school app documentation, given birth in December, dealt with problems at DS's old nursery, found him a new preschool, etc., etc....

Meanwhile, DH also has a very fulltime job, and a commute which got worse after he moved.

You know what? When I half-tearfully said I wasn't sure we would get the letter in time, he gave me a cuddle and said he was also partly responsible and he should have checked we had the letter with the right address.

That's the behaviour of a normal partner, with empathy and an understanding that we both have jobs, and mine keeps money in the family.

So sorry you have to deal with this selfishness and hypocrisy.

plutocrap · 19/07/2012 17:48

countingtoten, that is quite chilling!