Godparents - Other peoples choices...

[jammamia]

I just posted on another thread which reminded me of my deep seated sadness on this subject.

I have a best friend who is a wonderful woman, she had a "naming ceremony" for her first born son at the start of the year - a ceremony I helped her research and gave alot of input to. I assumed she had just done away with the "significant adult" part of it - however on the day another friend of ours was named and gave a reading etc. etc. I was mortified and actually felt many of the others present turning and looking as if to say "what on earth is going on". We've been best friend since we were 16, sharing a house for a while in our 20's, I felt I knew her inside out. Her son was born 2 months prematurely and was in SCBU for 6 weeks, not a day went by when I didn't pop in - if only for 10 minutes for a coffee and a chat.
Through a mutual friend I have heard that I wasn't chosen as her partner felt that as a single mother I didn't set a good example. I would like to add I am a single mother with a very good job, my own home and a throughly wonderful son - who is doted on by best friend.

I was absolutely gutted and to this day have never been able to say anything to her about it - she told me last week she is preggers again (tho' just 5 weeks gone) - telling me way ahead of chosen "significant adult".

Am I just being a bitter old woman - do i just need to "get over it" - and more importantly has anyone else had an experience like this?

Poor you. This is a tricky one, because you don't want to seem as if you're being spoilt that you weren't chosen, do you? But at the same time, I think the fact that you've heard that there was a very definate reason for not being asked means that you do need to ask your friend about it. How honest can you be wth her? Do you feel comfortable enough to bring it up from the point of view of her thoughts on you being a single parent? Is there any possibility her partner or family might be behind this decision, if it's true?

Thanks Moomin. You've got it exactly right, I don't want to appear all hard done by as she has had a tough time. I can be very honest with her - but this just seems to be one subject where we "just don't go there".
We had a drunken night where we did if you were a "Little Miss Character.." she admitted she'd be "Little Miss Gullible" and I was "Little Miss Independant". I feel her partner exploits her gullibility and doesn't "approve of" my independence!

Lots of sympathy. I know what it's like with all the 'disapproval' of being a single mum, but to find out that your best friend is saying stuff against you behind your back is just nasty.

I think for your own sake you need to talk to her about it - she probably has no idea how hurt you feel. I think Moomin's idea of bringing it up through her thoughts on you being a single mum, is good.

Good luck.

Jammamia, sympathies. I know what it's like to be overlooked in favour of people you feel deep down don't love the child as much you do, and were not there for the family when they needed support.
I did feel disappointed and angry at the time, and like Bron, am very glad now I never let those feelings show. Several years down the line, the child is old enough to form relationships independently and we have a close bond. The "real" godparents have faded from the scene. And we're still very good friends with the parents!
Beetroot's advice was really wise in that you cannot change your friend's husband's insulting views on single parenthood. It's obvious she really values your friendship and she's lucky to have you.

Our ds is being christened today and we are not having godparents at all because our choice would not be acceptable to our parents. There is no way that dh's parents would accept a gay couple instead of their younger son (who they suggested)and so we are doing the christening with just family (and about half a dozen random people that MIL invited) and then having another ceremony in our garden with our friends to say what we want to say. It's sad we have to do it twice, but better than a feud

Message withdrawn

I haven't been around mumsnet vey long - but I kind of knew there would be some sort of answer to this out there!
Anais - she is always absolutely full of praise for all that I have done as a single mum, the phrase often used is "I don't know how you do it" which in some ways I find a little embarressing as it's not like I had a choice - and I don't think I deserve praise for just getting on with it.
Beetroot - thank you, I had honestly never thought of her "taking his opinion into consideration", which sounds so sensible and grown up, I suppose because I have been on my own so long I have become very selfish in that if I want it - it happens - end of story. I guess perhaps she did have the confidence that I would always be there without having to be allocated a role - which obviously I will be! Why would she ever need to doubt that? (unless she found me moaning anonymously on the internet somewhere!!)
I could answer to you all individually but feel I'm rambling on enough already.
Thanks for the support and I finally feel I can (almost!! ) see a different perspective on the situation.

My own godparents were my mother, and my paternal grandmother's sister and her husband, who were old when I was born - I didn't even know about them until my baptismal certificate turned up amongst my father's papers when he died - what was the point of any of them?

It seems to me that those who are important and significant in a child's life will and should continue to be so, whether they are formally named as godparents (or significant adults) or not. I can understand the hurt felt by those passed over but looking out for the welfare of the child at the centre of all this should surely be the most important thing.

From the 'other side' as it were - I still feel bad as there were two of my friends who I'm sure expected to be asked to be godparents, and who if I was on my own I would have asked. But I had to take dh's opinion into account, and couldn't have 3 of my choice and none of his... I still find it embarrasing though, I'm sure they were offended. I hope I'll have a girl next time and can ask them both then, but it is embarrasing when we see much more of them than of the godmum from dh's 'side' of friends (we had friends not family on the basis of extending ds's family for him).

I think that when a child is named or christened it has to be mutualy agreed by both parents who the god parents will be. Imo you are friends with this lady but not with her husband so it puts your friend in a very difficult situation. If her husband said no to her when she broached the subject of picking you then what did you expect her to do? I expect that the day itself was tinged with sadness at not being able to choose you and knowing that you'd be hurt about it.

If it helps at all when my dd and ds were christened I chose an actor who is an old friend of the family for dd who I'd asked when I first found out I was pg, my oldest brother and his now wife. For ds I chose my other brother and his girlfriend (who I'd known since school) and my cousin.

I didn't want to choose anyone outside of the family iykwim as these people can come and go so easily that a close tie is whats needed - however I am religious and only 3 out of the 6 know anything about religion (the whole point in getting christened and having god parents is so that these people can give the child some guidance)imo.

Too many people use a christening as an excuse for a party and have no real intention of ever going to church on a regular basis. Let alone encouraging their child to attend or to learn anything other than what comes out in RE at school about any religion.

I just thought I'd add my bit as someone who has probably offended a very good friend by not asking her to be DD's godmother. As Beetroot suggested it did come down to the fact that DH really does not like her and although she and I are very close we do not really mix as couples for lots of reasons. In the end I asked a friend who I've known for longer who was the same religion as us. Although we do not keep in contact in the sme way she and DH actually get on and she is very good as a godparent.

Like Miranda2 and Marialuisa I fear that we offended people with our choices.

We wanted to ask a couple who we both get on with, and who have very similar religious beliefs to us (a practising Christian and an aetheist) who we have known for a long time if they would play a special role in our ds's life, answering any difficult questions that he has. (we were adamant that it wouldn't be a pressie giving role).

That was going to be it. I had an awkward situation. Two "best friends" had always fought it out with each other over who would be my bridesmaid, and then when we decided not to marry, to be godparent. So we didn't want either. To make matters worse, both got married while I was pg. One had no bridesmaids, the other had me (6 months gone) as her chief bridesmaid.

The bridesmaid one e-mailed me to tell me which days it would be convenient for her to give birth. The other one showered ds with love and affection from day one. She hates babies and doesn't ever want kids, but she has just totally fallen in love with ds. Although dp doesn't particularly like her, he suggested we invite her as a "fairy godmother" because we were both so touched by the love she'd shown our son.

But I know that my other friend is fuming. I tried to explain it all to her, but she feels sleighted.

I know it is different reasons to you, J, and your friend does sound like she has weird reasons, but I'd talk to her, because it is such a minefield, and she may well have really good reasons.

Sorry, not very clear - the friend for whom I was bridesmaid tried to dictate to me which days I should give birth on in order to suit her diary!

I have yet another view. When my ds1 was born we asked our best friends husband and wife to be godparents, and then I stuck my neck out and asked a very long term ex boyfriend (who still very friendly with, but very much a bachelor and an ex) to be god father. dh thought I was mad but because he loved me went with all choices... All have been great god parents.

Ds2 was born in March and was christen in July. We asked again a couple, and I also asked a friend who I talk at least three times a day to. Her Edinburgh, me London.

All have been crap godparents, not keeping in touch, and definately not sending special cards for Christmas (yes I knw there is still time). I would treat it as an honour to be asked to be a godparent, but I really feel let down, and wish I could change my choices. I feel I have let ds2 down, as ds1 has such good ones.

Sorry bit of a rant, but it has been playing on my mind

When ds1 was born we made a policy decision that we would not ask family,this was partly because of complex famililies but also because we felt that you are born into a family and godparents are chosen also sometimes when growing up or in later life it is good to have a significant adult in your life who is outside the family and whom you don't perceive to have a vested interest.MIL was upset weach time that we did not ask bil but he would be as much use as a chocolte teapot!

Ds1 has a very good friend of ours from university,the wife of dh's oldest friend and another friend,on the whole they have been good although one has drifted a little.DS2 also has friends and all have been great,it is interesting to note that they all have different interpretations of the role,some go down the great presents route others,notably those who are more openly religious go down the significant adult route.
We did find ds3 difficult as we were running out of men!and bent the rules slightly by choosing my step brother in law,I know some family eyebrows were raised but he adores our children and will always be there for them aand we wanted to recognise that fact.

Jammamia, I can understand why you are offended, but you don't know your friend's reasons for sure. When ds was born I asked one male and one female friend to be "godparents" - we are not Christians but, as a single parent, I wanted some other adults to feel that they were important in his life. I also thought that these 2 people would look after ds if I dropped dead, and so I chose the friends with the highest earning jobs. Neither of them took the role at all seriously, eg they never remember his birthday or send Xmas gift, and indeed the male friend totally lost touch with me. On the other hand, one of my schoolfriends even though she lives far away always remembers ds and sends gifts and keeps in contact. During his first year, I wrote my will, and (after my parents) I have named my schoolfriend and her husband as guardians of ds if I should die. As far as I am concerned, if ds has a godparent at all, it is this schoolfriend. Similarly, as your friend's children grow up, I am sure she will realize who she can and cannot rely on, regardless of who has the title of godparent. Do you think she was worried that as a single parent you could not manage financially to look after the child if they both died?

My mum and her best friend were confused by my recent choice of godmother, because I didn't choose the latter's daughter as godmother. It's true I'd been friends with her for most of my life, we have a lot in common, she has 2 kids of her own, and was in fact the first person I told I was pregnant - and she was hugely supportive during a pregnancy for which I didn't have much support from anyone else.

However...I was looking for something different in a godmother than I felt this friend could provide. I am not religious, and I am a single mother, and for me the concept of 'godparent' is more to do with keeping an eye out for my child should anything happen to me, and being a source of information, fun, and hopefully a confidante of sorts too. Thus I chose a godmother whom I know would deal with things better if, say, she needed to sort out my Will, and who would respond in a way I would approve of if my son ever goes to her in an emergency or for general advice.

My baby's godfather is my ex's best friend, for balance, and because he is a good man who also shares my/our values, and because I can imagine him taking ds on some fantastic adventures when he is a bit older.

I think it's a bit harsh that you were judged as 'not a good example' for being a single mother, but that's obviously your friend's dh's view; the fact that he vetoed her choice tells you that you were HER first choice, but what could she do? She couldn't go against dh's wishes. I'm not even with my baby's dad but I still consulted him over choices for godparents. Interestingly my ds's godparents don't have children and don't want them either, but were both thrilled to be asked.

Quite an emotive subject. I feel awful for my dd because i chose my good friend as well as my b and s to be godparents. very sadly my friend and I are no longer in touch ( her choice) and I feel i have let dd down by choosing someone i misjudged and that she will never know. I also feel bitter that this friend did not take her responsibilities more seriously. will be strictly choosing family for ds. No guarantees there though i suppose, just very lucky with b and s

My sons godparent story, quite shocking so i apologise. When my so came out of hospital me and x decided to get really really drunk. We invited a couple round (godmother and boyfriend who we got to know quite well). Only the man could come but that didn't matter as he was a good friend now too. He brought a bottle of gin, x was drinking jack daniels, i was drinking wine

Sorry only half came out then and it took me ages to write!!!!!!!! I'll shorten it now
X hit the man for flirting with me, man got into his car, crashed it, got arrested. I had to go and make a statement, godmother never spoken to me since Bad

jammamia i can understand why you'd be upset and i think your friend should have explained it all to you beforehand! ( i haven't read all posts so don't know what others think!) . I have two sisters, one who i'm very close to as we both have toddlers and one who i'm close to as we grew up together(other one had left by then!). Anyway, i knew it would be complicated either way so i asked a freind of mine . She is lovely and for me the whole point was to have people outside of the family for dd to turn to should she,(God forbid), ever need to! It's a hard decision to make and it sounds like you freind feels a bit guilty by not bringing it up! I don't have a solution or any advice but hope you are o'k and not to upset by this
By the way, my dd's Christening was totally spoilt by my sisters boyfreind and her when she told me" God Angie, dp has just said you should put some music on, it's more like a wake than a Christening".....i couldn't ask them to leave as she was very depressed at the time and self harming! For me it was about welcoming my beautiful dd to the world and it seems for others just a party!

Tamz77, just read your post and agree, that's why i chose my friend! jammamia, it does sound like your friends partner had alot to do with it and i suppose mam and dad MUST agree on a person! I was fortunate in that my dp's best friend was God Father and i love him!