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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Court of MumsNet - Arbitration Please

21 replies

dotti · 04/03/2006 17:57

I have been friends for about 2 years with another mother who I met at a Mother and Toddler group and she has also become friends with other people that I know. She always appears very confident and direct and during this time she has made a number of comments criticising the way I bring up my child. On the whole I have managed to ignore these, however, she has recently made a few comments that have touched a nerve. I dealt with this by avoiding her for a few weeks in the hope that I would get these comments back into proportion and that this whole thing would pass by.

Unfortunately, a mutual friend, who I had confided in, has told her that she is being avoided and my friend is now very angry with me. Although I have explained that it was her comments that have upset me and caused me to avoid her, she does not seem to take this on board, instead she thinks that she is the one who has been wronged and is furious.
From my point of view, I feel that she is behaving quite arrogantly and her reaction has made me think that I don't like her very much. To make it worse, we live in a small community and she now sees all of my friends and goes to the Mother and Toddler group regularly and it is actually very difficult for me to avoid her without losing my own friends and activities. I would appreciate your advice because although this sounds like a playground squabble I'm very upset about it.

OP posts:

colditz · 04/03/2006 18:01

Hmm

Just keep going, hold your head up high, be very pleasant, and if she isn't as nice to you as you are to her, she will look very childish and silly to everyone else.

SenoraPostrophe · 04/03/2006 18:01

it depends entirely on what the comments were really. your other friend was out of order for passing on the info, but beyond that it's hard to say.

Original poster

dotti · 04/03/2006 18:05

Thank you for you replies, the comments were about the way I dress my dd. Trivial I know.

OP posts:

egocentriczebra · 04/03/2006 18:06

I suppose if it were me I'd take the bull by the horns & approach her directly, dotti. But think carefully about what to say, first. Don't want to put her on defensive or make things worse.

egocentriczebra · 04/03/2006 18:07

go on dotti, what did she say?!?

Original poster

dotti · 04/03/2006 18:13

She just didn't think it was good enough and not what she would do. After the response I got last time I don't think I dare challenge her directly especially as she's palled up with someone I thought was a good friend - I'm not quite sure why she betrayed the confidence either. The rightous indignation is quite hard to deal with but I'm worried that I'll be seen as the one causing all of the problems amongst friends.

OP posts:

Pruni · 04/03/2006 18:15

I'm struggling to imagine what she could say about dressing your child that could be that bad...
Unless you are dressing your child in a t-shirt in this weather?
A boobtube on a two-year-old?
Etc

Dish!

Pruni · 04/03/2006 18:16

Oh x posts. Sounds all quite silly to me. Serene indifference all the way I think.

Original poster

dotti · 04/03/2006 18:18

She thinks my dd's clothes are twee and old-fashioned. But right now I don't care about that. What's worrying me is how we're going to get by. I always invited her over with my other friends, I can't just stop can I. Apparently, they've all started meeting up at her house already and I haven't been invited. Do you see why I'm worried about being seen as the problem her. It's almost like because she's so confident and outgoing it can't be her that's done wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

dotti · 04/03/2006 18:19

I feel pathetic but I don't want to lose all my friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

dotti · 04/03/2006 18:20

In fact I'm the one that introduced her to some of these people and I seem to be the one whose been cast out.

OP posts:

Blu · 04/03/2006 18:26

oh dear.
she is behaving arrogantly and badly, but unfortunately I think your tactic of avoiding someone because they voice differnt taste in clothes (rude of her, indeed) has laid the ground wide open for her to move into.
Personally I like the sound of twee and old-fashioned in preference to the junior-tart-lycra generally available, and i'm sure your dd looks lovely and you are proud of her. Take no notice what anyone else thinks, ask your 'friend' - the one who spilled the beans - to make sure you are invited to the next meet-up, or better still hold the next one yourself and invite everyone, and just be neutrally friendly with this woman, while steering clear of really close dealings with her.

This row can either fizzle out or escalate. it would be better if it fizzled out....so next time someone offends you be a bit more 'water off a ducks back', keep a discrete low key distance rather than ann all out avoidance - and don't escalate it yourself by bitching to other friends about her

Original poster

dotti · 04/03/2006 18:27

Thank you Blu, I know your right, I just needed to hear some other opinions so I know that what I do isn't obviously going to make it worse.

OP posts:

Freckle · 04/03/2006 18:34

Personally I would continue to invite your friends to your house and include her too. She either comes and matters improve or she doesn't and is then seen as the one being petty.

Blu · 04/03/2006 18:38

Yeah - claim the higher moral ground - then look down on her in your mind's eye if she starts misbehaving again - but just ignore it. Otherwise her rudeness is given too much credibility, iyswim. Troublemakers LOVE to make trouble - leave her frustrated. Good luck!

egocentriczebra · 04/03/2006 18:40

I think Freckle is right, put it behind you & move on.
Did she say this comment about your DD's clothes to your face or to someone else (who passed it onto you)? If it's her private opinion then I wouldn't give a toss, but if she said it to you directly, even in a jokey way, no wonder you don't want to spend time around her!

Original poster

dotti · 04/03/2006 18:44

She made the comment directly to me and in front of other people and went on about it for some considerable amount of time even though no-one encourage her to continue. Re the avoiding her, I didn't want her to realise that she had upset me as I didn't want a confrontation and she seems to have made this happen in any case. I'm wondering if this was what she was aiming for all along.

OP posts:

egocentriczebra · 04/03/2006 18:47

omg, dotti. What a plonker she is!!!
But given you're living in a small place, you'll have to rise above it & ignore.

NotQuiteCockney · 04/03/2006 19:04

Good advice here. I'd also be wary of the "friend" who passed on what you told her!

notasheep · 04/03/2006 19:14

She has the problems-not you!

jco · 04/03/2006 19:34

dotti, i think its almost irrelevant what she said, if it was hurtful to you then it matters and also if she had half an ounce of decency she would be mortified to have upset you. i think she's definately not the type of person you need as a friend. I find that people who have to critisize others over trivial things often have deep seated insecurities themselves and use this in some kind of warped way to make themselves feel better.

You have done nothing wrong so you get yourself out there, hold your head up high and show her who the better person is

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