Relationship with Stepdad becoming estranged?

[Spice17]

Stepdad has been around since I was very little (real father pretty much waste of space - DV situation) so call him 'Dad'. Him and my mum separated in 2008 after he had an affair, he says more of an EA, but he is now with OW.

She's a bit of a mental - long story but shortened version she sent knickers in the post, so my mum would see/find out, sent abusive texts to my mum, slient calls etc (even though my poor mum had done nothing wrong and had just had her husband of 23 years leave her) so needless to say I haven't ever agreed to meet her and can't stand her. I know her vaguely from past anyway (old family 'friend' - what a cliche eh?)

Anyway, fast forward 4 years, Dad now lives with OW after staying at my Nan's for a few years but has never ever told me this (I just know) Seems a lot like she doesn't want him spending time with me and DB, just the impression I get, and we always have to plan something way in advance - almost like he needs to get her agreement/placate her first.

Anyway, I'm pregnant and he hasn't seen me once since I told him over the phone at 3 months (4 months ago) now not saying we saw each other a huge amount as we live approx 30 miles apart but he hasn't made any effort to say he'll come over on a weekday eve or whenever. I've said to him on about 4 occassion about us all meeting for Sun lunch (DB, DH, Nan and me) but he just says 'yes, I'd love that' and it goes quiet. He does try to call but it's when I'm at work which isn't convenient, as can't chit chat, he's also terrible on the phone, so I don't like speaking to him on there, expects me to do all the talking afer calling me!

We were texting a fair bit but that's tailed off and now I feel like he doesn't care about his grandchild or that he's maybe not ALLOWED to care? (OW). Our relationship was very shaky after he left my mum but got stronger and more honest but now I feel like I don't know him and thnk he doesn't have a backbone. Shouldn't he just text and say 'can I pop round?'

I have lots going on including my mum having a big wedding soon that I'm not sure about and I feel like my Dad is become a bit estranged. Should I speak to him, leave it? Don't know what to do? Don't want to feel resentful if he starts playing doting GD when baby arrives :(

Your Dad is a grown up and should be perfectly capable of saying to his new partner - however 'mental' she is - that he will be maintaining a relationship with you, your brother and other members of his former family. If he decides to cut you out just to keep the new partner happy, he's being pathetic. I've experienced this before when a widower in the family married a younger woman. She couldn't stand him having anything to do with the rest of the family and gradually alienated everyone one by one. He didn't put up much of a fight. Stay in contact but don't expect much.

I think what might help is if you accept that your Dad chose to have an affair and then live with this horrible woman and that if she is exerting pressure on him regarding contact with you and your brother, he is choosing to accept it.

I think once you have your own child, you'll see this even more pognantly and clearly. You'll see that nothing and no-one would get in the way of you having a relationship with your own child.

I think you need to pin your father down to a time when you can sit and chat on your own. Then clear the air and agree your expectations of one another. Don't let him hide behind the OW's skirts though about the choices he is making in his life.

poignantly

Thanks for comments, I can see that Dad is not the innocent in this, he seems happy to be with OW and to have her tell him how to live his life. I guess I just have to accept it.

After I got married in 2009 he split up with her and called me making a big show of telling me that was it, never again etc. I was very drunk (well he did call me on a Fri night and I was in the pub) and told him I was glad, hated her, he's better off without her etc, so I guess he feels he knows where he stands with me on the issue! :)