How can I help him? And me....

[iknowitsnotmebutwhatifitis]

Regular here with a namechange, for obvious reasons....

I've been with my partner for a couple of years. We live together, I have 2 dc, and he has 2 dc that stay with us for half of the week.

We love each other very much, that is never in doubt.

But just lately, there are issues with erectile dysfunction. This happened the first night we ever slept together, and I know that it was nerves, soon righted itself, and it's been mostly ok ever since.

But every now and again, it rears it's ugly head. Or not!

So I don't dripfeed, we're having somewhat of a crisis at the moment. Nothing major, but I've made it clear that I cannot and will not carry on putting up with his exw interfering in our lives to the degree that she does. It's a massively long story, if I were to go into it, but suffice to say, she calls/texts him 6 or 7 times a day, interferes with our time with the dc, changes the rota constantly, arranges things for the dc to do when we have them, and will NOT bend on any of it. It's a nightmare, to be honest, and it needs sorting, or it's going to kill our relationship stone dead.

When we're in bed together, everything is fine. He gets an erection, until I touch him, and then he loses it. He gets really frustrated to the point of anger (with himself), and I really don't know how to help him. This doesn't happen all the time, maybe once a month? The rest of the time, everything is perfectly fine.

The reason I'm posting today is because it happened again last night, after we had had The Talk about how I'm feeling within our relationship. And I think the two things might be connected.

I really want to work through this together, I don't want him to think I'm going to do one just because of this problem, his confidence is getting more and more shot by the day, so it's a vicious circle.

Does anyone have any advice? How do we get through this? I hate seeing him so upset, but I can't physically help him at all. I've never experienced this before with anyone. He promises me that he finds me attractive, swears blind that he wants me.... but why is this happening?

Am not ignoring any replies, am at work, promise I'll keep an eye on the thread, even if I have to wait until tonight.

Sometimes ED is symptomatic of a medical problem and can be an early warning sign for various common conditions. It could be worth him getting checked out physically with the GP as a precaution and seeing if there are any lifestyle changes like diet or exercise required. Stress obviously is not going to help and getting angry with himself even less so. It's probably not realistic to think that the issue with the exW will resolve itself overnight but I think you have to work on a game-plan together so that you at least feel like a united team and that you regain a degree of control. Other than that, any opportunities to relax and unwind as a couple in an intimate, loving way without the expectation that sex will be the outcome could be a way to avoid any sense of pressure.

I don't think he'd have an issue with going to the GP, tbh. He's a pretty open person, and I'd be happy to go with him. That might be an idea...

I've suggested that we spend at least a week or so just being cosy with each other and not have sex. With the thought that maybe he'll be gagging for it after

Does he smoke? If he does it may be linked, stress = smoke more = poorer circulation= not enough blood getting to penis. I'm a woman, but I have this problem. I'm an occasional smoker (social and stress) I find that during periods when I've been smoking sex is very unfulfilling because of the effect it has on my circulation.

Yes, he does smoke. But surely he wouldn't get a strong erection at the beginning if the circulation was the case? When he's hard, he's really hard. And then it just disappears.

I suppose the trouble with this issue is, as much as they try and convince you that it's nothing you're doing, you can't help but wonder. I try really hard to push those thoughts to the back of my head, because I know no good can come of it, and I've always been confident. I've always been a bit fat, but I like myself, so it's never mattered. But slowly, doubts are creeping in - I know I've put about a stone on since we've been together, but I didn't think it would matter. Maybe it does?

I'd ask him to go to gp first and foremost and get checked out.

He'll almost certainly be advised to stop smoking. Here's the NHS Choices article on erectile dysfunction which states "You should see your GP if ED persists for more than several weeks. They will be able to assess your general state of health because the condition can be the first sign of more serious health conditions, such as heart disease (when the heart?s blood supply is blocked or interrupted)." The link between smoking, narrowed blood vessels and heart disease is well established.