Should I leave or stick it out to see if it gets better?

[Leopardprintpjs]

I'm finding myself in tears more and more because of the way I'm treated at home. I'm not abused and he is great with ds when it comes to playing but not the important things (changing, feeding etc) I'm an emotional wreck. He goes out all the time, doesn't help at all, gambles secretly (only ever hear if he's won) he isn't equal with the money I spend on food, nappies etc when he earns double what I do and we share all bills, it's 'his' money and 'your' money. Won't talk about our problems. Last week I found out he went for drinks (came home at 1am) with a girl from his work to certainly doesn't have a good rep and is slept in another room because I had a problem with this. He ignored my texts and said he had a 'nice time with someone normal'. He makes me feel like I'm crazy. I'm not meaning it's like this 100% of the time, when he's happy it's great but terrible when he's annoyed/angry. He can be like 2 completely different people. He has never raised his hands to me and I don't think he would. I've posted this on another site just incase anyone notices but I'm just looking for advice/support and to offload this to people who are impartial. I really want it to get better and we can be a proper couple again.

OK - so...

He's a crap Dad (playing is not an indicator or being a good day, doing the 'responsible' things is)

He goes out all the time

He gambles (secretly)

He's not being reasonable re money

He wont talk

He's flirting with another woman

He's rubbing your face in it

AND he's emotionally abusive.

He is making your life miserable.

There's no way I'd still be there. Why are you?

There are other forms of abuse than physical. There is emotional abuse - constantly belittling someone, making them feel worthless or crazy, provoking feelings of jealousy by flirting with other people. There is also financial abuse - controlling money or keeping a person down by ensuring that bills are not split fairly so that you have no spare money of your own whilst they have lots.

There is a thread on here somewhere for people who are suffering from emotional abuse. Read it, then come back and tell us that you are not being abused.

Here's the thread support for those in emotionally abusive relationships

There are some links at the beginning which will prove interesting.

Does he make you happy?

Is he treating you how you would like your dc treated when they are older?

If tge answers are both no then you need to rethink tge whole thing

Because I'm hoping and praying that it will get better. I do love him, just the good side. It isn't always bad, there's days where everything's great but then we have a few days where he's horrible. The money things and the not helping are always there though. Ive made plans to leave before but he always says sorry etc and I stay, thinking it will be better this time and he's really sorry now but after a week it goes back to mood swings and just generally being an arsehole.

Sorry, Leopard. This situation is likely to only get worse, not better. This man is abusive. He is emotionally abusive to you, he is financially abusive to you. You don't think he would raise his hand to you? Tbh, if you really didn't think that, it wouldn't even occur to you to write it. Regardless, just because he doesn't currently hit you, it does not mean he's a good partner, a good father or a good man.

You say you are an 'emotional wreck'. You are currently feeling that way because of how you are being treated. So, your partner is emotionally wrecking your life. Soon, when your child is old enough, your child will probably be emotionally damaged by him too (a child witnessing its mother being abused by the father is damaging).

It won't get better because you are putting up with it. So he will push more. And more.

leopardpring of course abusers are nice, some are nice most of the time, because they know that no one would stay with someone who was horrible all of the time. Then gradually the horrible times start increasing as the abuser gets more confident in the hold they have over their partner.

This won't get better unless you find the strength to change things. He won't change without outside help and without admitting that he is being abusive. Wishing and hoping aren't going to fix things. Changing yourself or constantly ensuring that you are doing what he wants won't be enough because he will still find fault no matter how much you try and please him. He is the one that needs to change, not you.

I don't think he's aware that he's doing it if I'm honest. He is a very stubborn and selfish man and I think that its just the way he is which I know is no excuse and I'm honestly not trying to defend him in the slightest. It's so hard to leave because I do love him but I don't want our problems to start affecting ds. Thank you for your thoughts on this, I just needed outsiders opinions on the whole situation.

My friend is in the same situation in the same place of "If I try harder it will be OK".
She has left, come back with every promise sugar coated "I will change" from him and guess what they are back at square 1. They had counselling (where he twisted everything), he reduces her to obliterated pieces on a regular basis. She is so confused and conflicted that she finds it impossible to think straight anymore. Her kids are affected, deeply, profoundly by the toxic atmosphere in the house. I cannot bear to watch it, I have adivsed her as to what to do for the best, but that is all anyone can do. The final decision is with her. I only hope and pray it is sooner rather than later.

You cannot ignore the majority of his behaviour which is ruining the quality of your life ad your childrens. Great Dad? You don't know any different nor do the kids. Sorry if that is blunt but there is a broad range of skills a good dad has that makes him a good dad. He is good at one or two things that hang entirely on what mood he is in.
Fuck him off.

Does he treat friends, family and colleagues in the same way as he treats you?

Agree totally with the other posters.

This is not a good dad; this is a man who behaves himself when it suits him.

A good dad doesn't belittle the mum.

A good dad doesn't go out with other women and blame the mum for it.

A good dad doesn't keep his money for himself when his child and the mum are suffering.

He's vile, OP. Get rid of him.

"he is great with ds when it comes to playing but not the important things (changing, feeding etc)"

You've got the importance the wrong way round. He is not a crap dad. Your son will remember with fondness a father who played with him and loved him more than a father who did the chores. Seriously, he deserves respect from you just as you deserve it from him. Maybe counselling might help you both with this, and with talking to each other? Provided you are both prepared to listen rather than air grievances.

Are you reading the same thread as everyone else, tinker, or do you have a particularly high tolerance level?

tinker with the best will in the world, talking time is well past. Please go through the points OP made in her original post
Gambling
Blaming
Punishing
Verbally abusive

To desserve respect one earns it. This person has in my view done nothing to earn anything but contempt. He is barely a decent human being.

He doesn't treat his friends and family like that. He does fall out with his mother but she's very over bearing and 'always right'. He comes across as the 'family man' in front of others.

Tinker, I did not say he was a crap dad. He isn't crap but he isn't exactly good either. He has all the time in the world for ds but not when it comes down to the essential 'chores' that come with being a responsible parent. I also hope that my son does think of his dad with fondness no matter what happens between us.

Tinker - the fact that you can read the OP and think that people have the importance the wrong way around and not see any of the other stuff is even more worrying than the OP to be honest.

I know it's hard when you love someone and you want it to work - but honestly, it wont get better. He's pushed you to leaving a number of times but you've always relented - it just gives him more power/security and will just make things worse... he feels that he knows you wont leave so he can behave how he likes.

Would you want your son to be exactly like his father when he grows up? If you can honestly answer 'Yes' to that, then stay ... otherwise you have your answer don't you?

leopard lets not stray from the issue here. You are unhappy and ground down by a shoddy little man. The simple message is that you can leave. You do not need permission from anyone, you can do this for yourself and your kids. Other women have and regained a life. There is no shame in it, there is nothing to fear. I have done it and it was the best thing I ever did. By not leaving I would have denied myself a right to a life that he was obstructing. My daughter has benefited from not being around an emotionally unstable and cold person who chose when he wanted to do things.
You can try all you like, but I guarantee you will be stuck on this spin cycle as long as you stay there.

Your son is more likely to have a better relationship with your partner if he isn't living with him. He can still do the 'fun stuff' and be a Disney Dad, but neither of you would have to live with his horrible attitude.

"he's happy it's great but terrible when he's annoyed/angry"

That's a classic bully. Fine as long as you're keeping them sweet and they're getting their own way. Angry and unreasonable otherwise. They're invariably 'good with the kids' because children are easily controlled and not much of a challenge. A grown woman expecting them to behave like a responsible adult, supervise bathtime or talk about finances.... how very dare she!

The only way you deal with a bully is to stand up to them and be assertive. Any attempt at compromise will be interpreted as weakness. All attempts to curb his behaviour will be taken as a personal attack. Can't be helped. So set out a few ground-rules and a few consequences, hope for the best and expect the worst.

Thank you all so much for your support. I've tried the assertive route but it didn't work. It will take time but I'm going to get things arranged for me to leave with ds. I don't want this affecting my ds and I know it will. It's been on my mind for a while and I was scared I was just being 'crazy'. Thank you again.

You aren't being 'crazy' :)

I am pleased that you are going to sort things to leave with your DS. Don't let it take you too long and if you need any help (or just to vent) you know where we are x

Sounds like a good decision. Good luck