Re-emergence of issues with mum

[JaneFonda]

I'll try to keep this short.

When I was a teenager, my mum had an affair and left. Even though I was relatively young, I still knew before she left that she was having an affair.

I didn't speak to her for four years - completely out of my own choice, my family were always supportive of whichever choice I made, and it was left completely up to me.

When we got back in contact, it was alright - not perfect, and certainly not a close mother-daughter relationship, but we just didn't talk about what she'd done and chatted about other things instead.

(Just as an aside - my DSis - who I love to bits - has had a few problems with depression etc. over the years, so me and DP have looked after our DNieces for extended periods of time; I really feel like they are my extra daughters.)

My youngest DN is just coming up to the age that I was when my mum left, and I still cannot get my head around how she could have just left us.

There was no DV going on - my dad was just as shocked as the rest of us when she went.

I'd appreciate some words of advice, please. I don't know how to get over this. :(

I have similar issues to you. My Mother was a serial adulterer and terribly selfish and left us without even saying goodbye when I was 16 and my siblings 14 and 12. It too was never fully discussed between us and we fumbled along for years.I never went to her second wedding on principal.

When my children approached then reached the ages we were when she left us I had a feeling of huge resentment and bitterness and like you could not and still can't fathom why she did it.It's never really been discussed openly and I rarely see her which I'm not bothered about. I put it down to the fact that her selfishness and need for it being "all about her" meant we weren't important enough to stay for.

If you want to get over this you may need counselling with or without her. Sorry I can't help but I learnt at a young age not to give a *uck about my Mother,she is still manipulative by the way and loves being the centre of attention. She tells others that she can't understand my attitude, says it all really. Good luck.

I think not surprisingly, seeing your niece at the same very young age you were (and realising perhaps for the first time how truly young you were to have to deal with that) has inevitably triggered the feelings you've repressed.

I have a similar relationship with my dad, where we just don't really talk about what's wrong with our relationship, we just get by - like acquaintances. It has bothered me hugely during points in my life.

I think your choices are either to continue to bottle it up inside, but I don't think that will be helpful at all, or to tell your mother how you felt then and how you feel now. You may or may not want to get some counselling first, to help get your thoughts in order, to talk about the best strategies for dealing with telling her and the aftermath, or just to have a sounding board. Or you might want to get some counselling after, to help process what's happened.

I think you have little to lose from speaking your mind, but more importantly I think you need to articulate the feelings you are having to avoid dealing with them for years to come.

op,does anyone have any idea why she had an affair and left.
I think there are 2 issues for you.
Her behaviour and why she did it back then
and your current relationship now.