Am I being a complete Bitch?

[Janos]

Ok, I'm throwing myself open to the mumsnet court and I'd really appreciate an honest response. Quite prepared to hear things I might not want to.

Anyway, a bit of background. I separated from my ex when our DS was 1 and moved out to another flat. So far we have managed to keep arrangements over contact and maintenance reasonably friendly and informal, which I'm very pleased about.

However this is getting to the point where my ex is taking the piss, to be honest. I work 4 days a week and DS goes to nusery those days. Ex will generally have DS 3 days a week. So I expect some folk will wonder what I'm complaining about.

Just to explain, the days when Ex cares for DS, he's usually at nursery all day. For example, this week he picked up DS on Wednesday and dropped him off this morning at 7.30, without prior notice. He hadn't even given him his breakfast. His excuse is that he has stuff to do. WellI have stuff to do and somehow I manage while caring for DS. (I don't want to make this sound as though I see it like a chore either - I love him to bits but he is very demanding/attention seeking and wears me out!!!)

I suppose what I'm getting at is that I think XP does not spend enough time with DS and basically thinks he can chop and change access as and when he likes. I told him I want to make access more formal via mediation this morning which he wasn't pleased about.

Anyway, sorry this has turned out longer than I thought it would. Be very grateful if anyone has advice or thoughts. Thanks :)

Sorry, no idea on stuff like this, but you may need to keep it bumped as Saturday is quite slow on here.

Janos I think that you have managed very well and been very civilised up to now but he is taking the piss now so now is the time to have visatation formalised. He can't just change his mind because he has plans that's a crock of s*it and needs to be nipped in the bud. Definitely try mediation. Good luck.

Personally, I think the main thing is, do you trust the guy? Is your child well looked after when with him generally? Is your child happy with him?

I can't give advice, but my situation is different, and I occasionally complain (but only in my head!). DH has cancer and I have to do almost everything with DD. She's at nursery the days I work, but I do all nappy changes all putting her to bed, all giving meals (to him and DD, and sometimes this is extremely hard.

Just a thought..

could you work out a more formal arrangement between the two of you? if he doesnt stick to it then take things further. people tend to panic when faced with words like 'mediation'. decide what each of you want and can manage, write out your own contract, both sign it and see how it goes.

Why would you think you're being a bitch? I mean, this is his child, too. I mean, we all have 'stuff to do'. If I had so much to do I couldn't look after a child I wouldn't have had them.

Not formalising access can have a negative effect on the child, too, b/c they never know when to expect to see their parent. Did you see 'How to Divorce w/o Screwing up Your Kids'? That was one of the issues. A father kept chopping and changing access and it lead to a lot of insecurity for his son.

But...if you are really p**sed off with him, you need to nip it in the bud, early, or it will get worse as he gets away with more.

Thank you all.

SleepSuzy, I do trust him. And thank you for making me think. He is a great dad and it's lovely seeing him and DS together. I would certainly never say otherwise.

I do worry that it might be having a negative affect on DS.

He doesn't like it when I stand up to him thats for sure. But I have to consider myself and DS.

No problem, I don't feel I am in a position to give advice, but hope I helped a little.

Just thinking aloud here, he tends to be the kind of person who likes to get his own way, and he hears what he wants to hear, IYSWIM. I think he doesn't 'hear' what I'm saying (or doesn't want to).

He also hates it when I stand up to him - I get accused of being a bitch. He's Nice as pie otherwise.

Hi I have no experience other than my parents broke up when I was three and I now have a son who is approaching that age.

I would say that either through mediation or just plain old sitting down and having a big grown up chat you need to formalise acccess. For your childs sake. You said your child was demanding etc I read that as (whether you hear this or not) that they are most def being affected by your seperation. Your relationship breakdown may be the making of your child one day and ultimatley it may be the right thing for their futre but its so important that you deal with the access thing well. You need set days and times. This way your child will know exactly where they stand and the seperation will then be something that is a part of their normal life. If days keep changing or one parent repeatedly misses dates the child will feel bad about it or that parent. So who cares if its not convenient just deal with it. Tell him (XP)to get organised his work pressure can be put off to the days when not collecting your child. ITs not difficult and being seperated does not mean you can shirk your responsibilities. It means you have to work even harder at becoming a valid contribution to your childs life.

You and XP relationship has gone now so the focus needs to change t the child nto the new "SINGLE LIFE" not yet anyway.

Janos, dd's dad and I haven't been together since was 2. Even then, before she stayed over, we had fixed visitation. It gave her knowledge that every Sunday she'd spend the day with her dad. Over years that changed and now she spends every other weekend (Fri to Sun) with him. She knows this and it is better for her. He also has her most half terms (because his partner has 2 kids and as she stays home with them my dd goes there).

He's trying to make you feel like you're asking for more than you're entitled to. You're not. I would try to sit down with him and come up with something he can stick with every week. Time with his son has to become the priority, not other "stuff" he's got to do. He'll get the hang of it eventually he'll probably just not like hearing it from you in the first instance.

Freddysays your words really struck a chord for me. The last thing I want is for my little boy's life to be more unesttled than it already is. I don't want him not knowing where he's going to live from one day to the next, so I think formalising access is def the right thing to do. Thank you for giving your honest opinion.

Thanks also to everyone else who has given advice. It really is very much appreciated - always good to get other people's input.

Hey Janos,
I have not been on the site for ages and just checked in. I saw that my comments had helped you and I am really chuffed about that as it was sincere.

Good luck with it all. It cant be easy, but if you keep your head and cool you will gain so much from the experience. Your son will benefit long term aslong as your XP plays the game too.

Adn if your ever feeling down about your decision to split as you know doubt will remember why you did it. There will be a day when havign sperate parnets will be a blessing to your son not a hinderance. He will not be alone as there are so many kids in the same boat as him. When I was at school it wasnt as common. But there is now always that opportunity for space. There will be a day I am sorry to say when mum and dad will be played agaisnt each other but there will also be a day when mum and dad being two seperate entities and seperate resources will be a useful resource for your son. He will learn how to draw from each of you. He will see each of your strengths and love you both for them. You will all be allowed time and space from each other that I think is really important sometimes that other "Nuclear" familes are not granted. WHen times are rough and stress fall heavily on one half of the family he can find calm on the other half if you see what I mean.

I waffle. I dont mean to I just want to say, dont let people think that splitting from his dad is the worst thing you can do for your son. ITs not. Its just waht you and your XP do with the new arrangement is whats really imp. Try not to get too invloved with fighting with his dad. Move on, keep all communications clear, routines etc and get on with a new life. Or if you think about getting back with him. Do that well away from your son and sort it out double quick!!!

Lys