Marriage counselling and EA husbands

[kanga1000]

About a month or so back someone posted a weblink to an excellent article on the pitfalls of marriage counselling when the husband is emotionally abusive?

I can't seem to find the posting, so would really appreciate the link as I wish to discuss the article with my GP before embarking on marriage counselling.

If your H is abusive DON'T enter counselling with him. Unless the counsellor is specifically trained in abuse, it will make things worse for you.

Talk to your GP about help for YOU to remove yourself and any children from the abuse and focus on that.

NOTHING that YOU do will make your H any better. If you consider him a total lost cause, it's more realistic. There is a chance that he could stop abusing you, but there is also a chance that we will all be wiped out by an asteroid hitting earth at 13.47 next wednesday.

Please come post on the EA support thread in Relationships, but do not embark on relationship counselling if abuse is a factor.

abusesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2006/11/couples-counseling-marriage-counseling.html

was it this one??

I don't know which article it was kanga1000, but here is another one which might help - an extract from Lundy Bancroft's book.

shellybear.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/what-couplesfamily-therapy-does-for-an-abuser-by-lundy-bancroft/

Note he uses the term 'violent', but the book itself makes it clear that verbal and physical abuse tend to go together, and, quote, 'the extent of their common ground may startle you'.

kanga please don't attempt couples counselling if your partner is abusive in any way.

I didn't listen to the good folk here on MN and attempted 6 relate sessions with my H (they had suggested he was emotionally abusive but I was in denial).

The counselling was a nightmare. He projected everything back on me. I opened up about my feelings and he used them against me. It was astounding.

As Lundy says, the abuser thinks about his own feelings and his partners behaviour ....when in fact he needs to think about his partners feelings and his own behaviour

...until he gets to that point it will never work.

The only good thing to come out of our couples counselling was that it made it really clear to me that he was EA and I've now ended the relationship

I did relate with EA ex. I naively thought the counsellor would pull him
Up about his behaviour. I was wrong :-(

Did you pay for the counselling or make any kind of small contribution because sometimes i think all some of these counsellors see is £ signs.

Yes. We did a free one too which was also shit.
Exp was anxious about it until he realised the counsellor wouldn't challenge him. Even he reflected it wasn't helpful to us.
It's a shame - the counsellor I see alone now through work would eat him alive?

scarred the same thing happened to me. I was hoping that the counsellor would help H to see that his behaviour was inappropriate.

It did to some extent...counsellor pointed out that I was an individual with my own feelings and needs (which H didn't seem to realise!).

But it didn't help H to take those feelings and needs into account it just gave him ammunition....

Obviously i was the one that had changed. I used to feel the same as him about everything...and want the same things...so it was all my fault that he was angry and upset.

thanks MNers. I think that has cleared it up in my mind not to suggest counselling!