How do I stay friends with someone who might be taking the piss a bit!

[spinaspook]

I become friends with a school mum over the last year. Our two boys are good friends. She's nice but is beginning to do my head in a bit. I want to stay friends with her but I also want a bit of space as I'm beginning to feel a bit clastraphobic.

I have looked after her kids (7 and 4) a few times for whole days and she always makes me feel that she has done me a favour by lending me her children to play with mine. Her daughter needed "looking after". I said I'd take them for one of two inset days at beginning of year and she then proceeded to say" You'll have them next Monday" (usually on the Friday before!) on every inset day since. I wasn't able to do all of them. On one occassion I'd made plans for them to spent some time with some family and said I couldn't and she spent ten minutes explaining that her kids would be no trouble.

I got a little annoyed with her when following the two days I had hers my son and her son were travelling to a party together and we'd arranged with another mum to share lifts. She got all fed up about having to take my son and said she'd just let him walk back from hers when they got back. We weren't letting him out and about on his own at that point (still not much) and it involved crossing two roads.(ds3 was 5 weeks at time so I was bfing constantly it seemed which is why the other mum offered to share lifts with us)

I've had them again a couple more times since. (Fool?)

She has made a few "you've got nothing to do all day" comments to me (I'm SAHM at moment on mat leave but I'm not turning this thread into a debate about that!!)

My current beef is that she wants our families to have an open door policy re the kids. That they just wander back and forth into one another's houses. Unfortunately I'm concerned that it'll end up being more my house.

I know i prob sound joyless. It just that every friday she mentions it would be great if her kids could be kept out of the way over the weekend as she wants to do stuff. Yet if anyone has them she's helping that person out!

I want to be friends with her. I want our sons to be friends. (Her dd and my ds2 are not so bothered!!!) I need advice on how to sort out some boundaries.

Oh come on, grow a pair!

You sound really lovely and thoughtful and have your kids' best interests in mind but she is just beyond cheeky - and that's putting it nicely!

Of course the 'open house policy' means you will have to look after them even more.

I'd just learn to say no and mean no. You can say it politely and you can give a (succint reason), but say no. 'Sorry I have plans that I can't change' 'Sorry I'm busy - another time [insert time and circumstances that suit you' 'Not sure about the open house thing - would be concerned about keeping track of them all, let's stick to how it is now'.

If you fall out - so what? Your son will make plenty of other friends and so will you!

If she's done this to you you can bet she's tried it on with others.

And how dare she say you have nothing to do all day as a SAHM!

not joyless at all - it's bloody annoying.
All you can do is tell her "sorry no that isn't going to work" and turn dc away from your door if they just rock up.
I am dying to see other posts as I find mysef in this position all the time and it drives me mad - I work from home and people assume for some reason that i must therefore want their bloody kids round. I really don't

I had a similar experience. When new dc arrived I couldn't help anymore and guess what? She made a new friend to look after her children! Now I know why we were friends. A bit sad but there you are.

I think that if you stop looking after friend's dc at her convenience this will most likely happen to you. But it's not a problem really is it, because then you know.

You sound a generous person but this situation is not good for you. You can carry on like this for years, with her taking advantage of you or you can stop it now. You say 'you want to be friends with her', but I think she just wants someone she can dump her kids with. I hope I'm wrong, but she seems to be assuming you will look after her kids, and the feeling isn't reciporated.

Thanks. Pair growing as I type!!

It's been narking me for months and I guess with the long (wet) summer hols looming I'm getting twitchy about my Mat leave being consumed by other people's children!! I'm the sort that likes to have the odd day of pottering about at home doing whatever takes our fancy.

DH gave me some waffle about sense of community but I suspected it was one way traffic in the first few weeks of this arrangment and it hasn't been proven otherwise!

You sound like a nice friend but she is taking you for a massive ride regarding the open house policy, who does she think she is! Be assertive and just say it would be an unsuitable arrangement. She is selfish and entitled, don't let her dictate to you.

I am amazed at how many audacious people there are around from reading these other responses!

It's a real bugbear of mine when people don't sort their own childcare adequately and rely on the goodwill of others.

A very close friend of mine did this when ds was a baby. She didn't want to have a childminder as only wanted him to be with close friends and family - only she didn't actually tell us that or make any official arrangements with any of us. She simply had a secret rota in her head and asked for favours from different friends for two afternoons every week!

Of course it's fine to ask for favours - I will gladly help other parents when I can and I do so. But this is taking the piss and then some.

I think she's quite a nice person but as a casual friend not as her (free) childcare! I think as our boys get older they can hang out as much as they want but at moment it is childcare especially when it is her dd.

xposts. I'm all for doing favours. i don't resent looking after her boy and girl. Bit fed up that i felt i should be thanking her for having them!

Oh you have to watch out for people like this! Ive met a few.

eg the one who sent her kid over the wall for years then couldnt commit to having my child just once when I was in hospital (from 8-3) having a caesarian, and we wanted h there too. And come to think of it, I had also foolishly allowed her to to tag on to my nanny arrangement twice a week too, after her childcare had broken doen (ie got my nanny to provide free care for her child too)

And the one who understood my offer of occasional help to be twice a week with her twins 4-9pm (yes, 9pm).

Look at how she goes about it- she insinuautes, and knows how to take advantage, doesnt she.

She line about 'they will be no trouble' (meaning I dont want to hear you, I dont care about your life, but I do want my needs met). And 'you have nothing else to do' (meaning she is entitled).

People like this are manipulative in conversation and you can not easily win with them unless you are a conversational strategist. Im not, so always end up on the losing end.

The only way round it, I have found, is to prepare a speech (short) for the next time she asks and tell her that whilst you are willing to look after her kids when it is convenient and you are free, if you cant, you cant. It isnt even the choice of words, actually- it is that she picks up that you are willing to assert yourself, and therefore she backs off. These sorts of people always assess who they can push around. Dont let her!

The line!

Yep, sounds like she is taking advantage. I suspect with people like this that they just don't get boundaries at all, and often it is 'their way or the highway'.

Practise variations on the same theme 'Really, it doesn't suit.' 'That's not going to work for me, perhaps another time.' 'Sod off and sort your own childcare.'

Thanks all! I think what I needed the most (and got!!) was confirmation that I was being a doormat and this isn't a healthy set up. I was beginning to wonder whether I was a totally selfish cow for trying to avoid having her kids "pop over". I have to organise childcare for my kids and can't "wing it". I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her not to expect me to look after her kids (even if she refuses to accept that is what I'm doing!) I might ask her son over to play for a set time to make the point that that is how this will go from now onwards. (And not get the free daughter as a freebie!!)