Experiences needed please, re: deciding not to see PIL

[CharminglyOdd]

I am not looking for advice per se, but people's experiences of similar situations. For many long, identifying reasons I decided last week that I do not want to visit DP's mum ever again. It was the third time I've met her (she lives abroad, he does a duty visit once a year and, despite agreeing she is vile, won't entertain cutting her out of his life, which is fine as it's his decision although I don't like what contact with her does to him). Every time has been awful and I came to the realisation this time that I have done nothing to deserve going through that, that my presence doesn't help DP (he agreed when I brought this up) and I just don't want to see her.

Has anyone ever decided not to see a PIL (DP's dad is sadly deceased) and had it work out okay? I would obviously not start a fight, just introduce excuses such as work, which should be easy on a once a year basis. We don't have DCs so the situation isn't as bad as it could be. I suppose I'm looking for hope that this will work out as it has begun to be a problem.

I am not sure what you mean by 'worked out'- of course you can easily get away with not going on his once yearly trip home but she will notice and it won't be a nice situation, but if she's that awful and you feel you really can't do it again, then it's a valid decision to take.

You may also want to think about whether your husband wants the support during that time, if not and he prefers to go alone, fine but if he needs you there (as mine does) as a sounding-board and support, go every two years if that's all you can stand.

I go for a once yearly visit and politeness, it works for me, what my in-laws think, I couldn't say.

Thanks for your response. I know she may notice but she can also be incredibly self-absorbed (for example, whilst we were there I received my results and got the highest possible grade... She just shrugged and moved back to complaining about how awful her life is) so it may not register. Tbh the best outcome for me personally is that she stops talking to me (is always 'not speaking' to someone... Was me for a few months earlier this year as I didn't wish her happy birthday over the phone - there's a language barrier so I asked DP to do it on my behalf, he says he did, and I don't know what she was expecting me to do otherwise... She has certainly never wished me a happy birthday or enquired when my birthday is).

I thought DP would want some emotional support but, having asked him outright after this trip, he says it makes no difference. Being with her also changes his behaviour and whilst. Was understanding the first two times I came to the conclusion this time that I just cant put up with it at the moment. We spent money on a 'holiday' and came back feeling stressed and tired.

Sorry, I mean whilst I was understanding

Do you have to spend a few days there?

Tbh, I would be inclined to suck it up for the few days and be done with it. At least you would be there for your DH.

I would be happy to stay nearby but we have to stay with her or she will kick off. I just do not want that level of stress. DP hates visiting her, he then gets grumpy, rude, really sad all in one go and takes it out on me as he can not speak to her about it.

I think it was just a bad visit this time and the last two times I was trying really hard. There has been a lot of water under the bridge since the last visit (he does a duty phone call every week and some awful things have been said/done) and I am just fucking fed up with it. I have also read a lot on MN over the last few months and I find myself wondering why we pander to her bad and horrible behaviour. If she was literally anyone else, including a relative of mine, we'd cut her out but she's his mum. Tbh I didn't think anyone would have a workable experience of making everyone happy in these situations, but I was holding out hope! My thoughts have also crystallised as DP's wonderful friends are getting married in a few months and have invited us. All of his friends there (large group) were enthusiastically encouraging us to go, asking me whether I could consider living in their country etc., and have been wonderful - I was getting so excited about the wedding then realised it would involve a stay at her house, which makes me not want to go, which in turn makes me angry as I really want to celebrate with them.

That is hard, if you don't have peace during the year. It is not just the visits then, but the weekly calls that are the problem.

Tbh, I don't think that will change as long as she is in your lives.

Whats so awful about her? Examples?

My DPs mum is very difficult to get on with, and he does duty visits every other month too. I go once in a while and suck it up for him. It's bloody hard though but I want to support him. We've had many arguments about it.

How does your DP feel about you not seeing her anymore?

To be perfectly honest the worst examples are the most outing. DP says he completely understands that I don't want to see her and he wouldn't if he was me and that he doesn't want to see her but it's not north the hassle of not seeing her - I have witnessed him getting emails and calls from people in his home country asking him to 'have a word' with her when she has been awful to them... He says he will never get any peace so would rather go down the route of least resistance.

Non-outing examples include trying to give me a size 16 piece of clothing as a gift when I am size 10, making disparaging remarks about my clothing/appearance, calling DP fat and lazy (before turning around two hours later to tell me how wonderful he is and how lucky I am - actually that was a first as her favourite pastime is saying how shit she thinks he is), general hysterics, shouting, crying, always talking in a hysterical and vitriolic manner about how awful everyone else is and how completely stupid they are. Plus some intensely nasty homophobic stuff about her newly 'out' young relative that I had to pretend I hadn't understood lest I explode - if I knew enough of her language to tell her what she was talking was bollocks then I would have done. There is other stuff that is specific to her, rather than generally nasty stuff, but I don't want to share it here.

EternalOptimist if I am being honest I don't think it will change either :(

Your partner over time may well decide himself to cut his mother out of his life. It seems that he could well be still in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. He certainly feel obliged when it comes to his mother.

Would certainly make yourselves less available to her. Relationships have to be two way to make it work and she is patently not bothered in having any sort of relationship with you and by turn her son. Was wondering if you think she could actually be a narcissist in terms of personality. She does not seem to be emotionally healthy or balanced at all.

My mil gave me size 14 clothes and I'm an 8

She sounds similar to mine. Will be sitting there quietly then come out with something very weird that makes no sense, loves me one minute, hates the next. She found one of my hairs in her kitchen once and nearly had a fit, screaming up the stairs to DP about it .
She also forced me out of her house once when I was alone there by slamming the Hoover against the door. I know she's mentally ill so just put up with it. However now I'm pregnant with dc1, she's all over me - a ploy to get close to baby I'm assuming. Apparently she's building a nursery.

Point is, I know how you feel. If you could put up with it for your dp just once a year even, I'm sure it would mean alot

My guess is though, that this is made worse by the language and cultural barrier. In a lot of cultures, the MIL is used to having centre stage and being at the heart of the family, and sees the DIl as just accessories to this. Then if you get an attention-seeking or difficult MIL, it just makes it a lot worse. In a lot of cultures, telling your children they are awful for doing something is normal, they then praise you to the skies. It's all a bit more dramatic and direct than our British culture (generalising massively but I recognise what you say so much I'd bet which few cultures he is from, except it would offend people as not all older ladies are like this in those cultures).

However, I do think you have to be guided by your husband. Mine has a mother like this, we have talked a lot about it, but he wants to keep contact with her, and his family and his friends, and they are all very entwined. If he cut off his mother, he would not be welcome in his home country amongst people he has known all his life, and this is too drastic for him.

So, we go, we are polite, we ignore the worst of it and we come home and thank the lord she lives there and not here.

My one rule would be, though that you stay elsewhere when you visit. She will weep, wail, cry, tell everyone what a bad son your husband is (see, I do know what it is like), but she won't be able to change his mind. Stay in a hotel, visit her for dinner, and that way you will be able to see your friends as well and keep some control of the situation.

Sadly she is from (they both are) a western European country and culture so it's not a cultural 'norm', just her. If DP cut her off then he would still be welcome in his other relatives' houses (they have all fallen foul of her at some point - I was amazed it took over a year from her finding out about me for it to happen to me) and also with his friends, who are a great support to him.

The hotel thing would be great but won't work - I have suggested it. She would see it as a public insult (because she lives in a close community) and, ultimately, DP feels he would get more aggro from her over this than he would from me if he either went with/without me and stayed at her house.

I just want to detach from her and the situation as much as possible. I had MH problems as a teenager and now, in the interest of my health, actively try and avoid any situations like these - I came to the conclusion that life is too short to please difficult people all the time. chips I suspect she does have some kind of MH problem but she will never seek help for it (other people are the problem, not her) and, thanks to my background, I don't want to get involved.

Attila He feels all three of those things. I come from a really loving family and it's so alien to me, I feel so sad for him :(

I don't know about my situation working out because it is still ongoing but I made the decision to cut all contact with my FIL because he is a verbally abusive alcoholic, this also means that DS will have no contact as well.

It is difficult. MIL has recently been hinting about coming down to visit and OH is struggling with the fact that I do not want FIL to step foot in my house and I am not willing to act as tour guide to them, OH has grown up with FIL's behaviour and doesn't quite understand how very very wrong it is (they were repeatedly left with no money/food when they were children because his father had drunk it all away). FIL has called DS (3) a poof, a cunt, a fucking english twat, threatened to 'skelp his arse' amongst other things, there has never been an apology only 'he was just drunk' excuses and it's not good enough.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack . The way me and OH have agreed is that he can have a relationship with his father as he wishes but I will not, and neither will DS. It's the only way to protect DS and keep hold of my sanity/temper

I'm sorry about your situation fuckity. You didn't hijack - that was exactly what I was looking for... experiences of managing difficult situations. It sounds like you're doing a good job of protecting your DS and yourself whilst letting your OH make his own decision. Tbh children are another concern of mine. Although we aren't TTC I would categorically never let MIL have any kind of sole charge of any child (mine or not!).

It may work out just fine for now but I'm sure when and if children come into the equation things will change-would you still not visit? Would you be happy for DH to take any DC to visit without you?