new relationship- i dont trust my judgement

[joblot]

I had invaluable help from mn people last year to get out of an unhealthy relationship. I'm immensely grateful for the support and advice I received. Anyway, I've just started seeing someone- its been 2 weeks- and I'm unsure of it.

I suppose I doubt my own judgement and low self esteem of course doesn't help. I'm hhaving cbt counselling and that's excellent.

I started seeing a woman 13 years younger than me(I'm 46 and gay). She's a friend of a friend so I know she's not dodgy. The problem is, and I feel really stupid hence waffling, that I really like the attention and excitement but its making me v anxious. I worry I'm giving more- affection, time, energy. Sex is odd, she has issues. She's had a really awful year of bereavement and job loss. She's sad. But, she's intelligent and good company.

This sounds silly, and I'm not expressing myself well. Just feels hard already. And I'd value the thoughts of mn people who may be able to see this more clearly than I can. I know this is piddling compared to most problems here, but I'd still appreciate objective views

Bottom line here - you are feeling like this after just TWO WEEKS! This is meant to be the honeymoon period, where most of us are on our very best behaviour.

Even I, at the height of my PITA years, managed to convince new men in my life that I was a perfect angel for a lot longer than two flipping weeks.

So, the concern here is not just that she seems to be the needy type, but that her true colours are beginning to show so soon. Makes me wonder what on earth she'll be like in two months.

It's difficult though, if you like her - you want to give it every chance, right. My advice would be to pull back emotionally and don't let her get under your skin until you've sussed it all out a bit more. Emotionally unstable people can cause a great deal of angst and you don't need all that crap, so just tread very carefully. Forewarned is forearmed in my experience.

X-posted.

Yes - exactly!

well maybe take a short break and see if she understands that she's been too demanding.

not sure whether you meant she's NOT younger than you?

Thanks crikey and likea. Yes I've slowed it down already. I feel even clearer through posting here, that I need to follow my gut/intuition and not feel obliged to meet another's needs before my own.

The varied opinions are all much appreciated

Didn't see your past thread, but this person sounds quite stressful, even setting all the "legitimate" issues like bereavement aside, don't like that she hadn't properly ended a long-distance relationship 5 mins before getting together with you, or that she stormed off at the meal (behaving like that in front of a new partner and friends is strange and doesn't bode well IMO). Avoid!

Being 30-something (indeed 20-something) doesn't excuse drama-queen behaviour!

Yep dozer good points. No wonder my gut has been churning- literally. I have only put in edited highlights here, there's more,already, so defo need to exit quickly.

Dreading telling her but hope to get chance tonight.

Well we met tonight and I said how unhappy I was with various bits. How anxious, how disconcerted by some of the stuff that has happened already. Through talking it all over I realised we have mainly seen each other in big pressured social events, because of shared friends. And drank way too much at these events. So we agreed to stop that, and just date for a while. This weekend coming has 2 big events which I've felt pressured about, so we arent doing them.

I may or may not be on the right track but it feels better. She was reasonable and level and I didnt pull punches- told her how I felt, asked for info etc. Which I'm quite pleased I managed to do. Didn't apologize for my feelings, progress for me.

Will post again, its just invaluable having this feedback and these diverse opinions. I hope I've done the right thing, think I'll know soon enough...

Keep posting joblot. Sadly our instincts are usually right the FIRST time, but sometimes re-evaluating the situation, means that we can manage the exit that we need to take.

the relationships that follow after our abusive ones are steps for us to climb back up to normal. As I said, this is not the be all and end all relationship, this is a transition, for you to learn from and move on.

Sadly you have to be fairly clinical with each of these steps, as once you have seen what you needed to be shown, and learned from it, you need to understand that it's time for the next step toward your recovery.

Don't worry, you need to do these steps to get you ready for MissPerfect, if you met her today, YOU'D not be ready for her. You are in ForeverRelationship Training at the moment!

It feels a bit like a practice run, so that rings true. I was so shocked she behaved well- subconsciously I must have been expecting a row and shouting. I'm pleased with how I've handled it actually, after decades of swallowing down doubts abd worries.

I feel more in control and more honest. And no I can't see it spanning years but it could be good for me, for now. Hope yours continues to progress well hissy

So it feels right in some ways but wrong in some ways. I think you DO trust your own judgement but you don't know what to DO with that then.

I was in an abusive relationship and I had those doubts too at one point, but to be honest I know that going into that abusive relationship I ignored my judgement. It's not that it wasn't there, or wasn't functioning. I just turned a blind eye to it.

Sometimes you can judge a situation quite accurately but still not know what to do NEXT in terms of what the answer is. And a relationship is either on or off, there's no, well I'm half sure about you so let's have half a relationship!!

Hmm yes bigbandwitch not wrong. I am ambivalent but...but what, I'm not sure. It's incredibly hard to know what's fear or intuition or bad old habit.

I have always put my needs 2nd. At work, at home, anywhere. Now I've recognised that I'm trying hard to change and heading in the right direction. But its years of bad habit to overcome so guess I won't get it right everytime just yet.

I know I need to keep track of my feelings during this dalliance and I will...

oh me?.... I am IN LURVVVVE.

I think he IS MrForeverandEverandEver.... [daftbintexpression]

hissy that's fantastic, long may it last

Slow and steady (maybe half in?) is the way to go it seems

You cheeky minx! ;)

Sorry I did wonder if that sounded rude...was referring to bigbandwitch comment, cos im not wholly committed...

ha ha ha ha ha!

freudian slip if ever there was then!

Well we agreed to end it tonight. It hadn't got easier, in fact it was becoming a burden.

However, I feel sad and rejected, and dejected. But I suppose thats pretty normal and will pass. I liked the attention. Back to my horrendous job, and rather full social life. Feel a bit better already.

Onward and upward

Its always a shame when things don't work out but you were right to end it.

Soon you'll see why. Chin up joblot!

What I think. You sound like you are careful and feeling your way and being positive and having fun, at least thats whats coming across from your post, as well as being unsure.

For me, what makes is OK, is that you have the right to walk away at any time i.e. any time you feel uncomfortable or wary. You can also be more straight-talking as part of the deal.

I really get the thing about being burned before, its hard. But I also think you can be clearer and wiser afterwards...

The chin's up and the chest is out.

janelikesjam Wiser? Maybe. Happier, yep. Your name reminds me i now have more time for jam making...

How's your thing going hissy? You still loved up?

Never been happier... he's awesome!

He's also however on the other side of the atlantic for a couple of weeks...

Jam! Good idea, that'll take my mind off it!