Please tell me what you thinK!!!!!!

[smileyforest]

Keep brief and to the point!
Have BF :)......seperated from EA H....going through divorce procedures..
I have NP....getting on fab...together nearly 12 months...
I have own house with mortgage ...2 boys I support under 16y....
I earn average wage....no benefits....

He has 2 boys to support...one at uni..other 16y old.....
Ex left...him with boys 3.5yrs ago...went off with another man....he took on mortgage etc...when I met him he was selling house etc...told me not much equity.....

He earns less than me....
When together at first.....we shared expenses...and I'm happy with that...

His didnt seem to have luck with his house....then suddenly he did...moved out and into HA house......he says because hardly any equity...he didnt talk about exchange and completion dates etc......
I thought all a bit strange...he said no money for him and little for ex...but a small amount to be put in trust for each of boys....

Then I find his house has actually been repossessed......!!....
Would this bother anyone????
It does me as I'm upfront about finances...he hasnt been...but when question...said too embarrassed about it!?
What do you think....should it bother me ????

it would bother me...you might not want to shout it round the neighbourhood but honesty with your partner is just a basic necessity for me.

It would bother me. That's a massive event in anyones life and he never mentioned it to you????

I can understand the embarassment part but to keep the lie going and add to it doesn't bode well. Any idea of the real reason his wife left him?

Wife left....found someone else with money...she managed to draw up £30k debt +...they stopped being intimate when youngest lad born.....16yrs ago!!!....He is a softie....stayed cos of lads.....Just feel really disappointed atm !!...Not sure what to do .......

Did you find the truth out today? If so sleep on it. You need to get over the shock before making any decisions.

I have some experience working in debt advice and his reaction doesn't seem uncommon to me - people are terribly ashamed of not coping financially and the stigma of losing their house. I'd make it clear that you want to be supportive but that you need complete honesty from him to do so. But maybe don't take it personally this time? Sounds like he's got a lot on his plate.

What razoo said. Also he probably knew it would be an issue and you'd be disappointed. I'm not defending the lying. But you've only been together 12 months. So maybe he was keeping it to himself until he was more sure of where you are headed. As it is a big thing to talk about.

As you don't actually know if you have a problem with it or not....it would suggest that maybe he's not right for you anyway.

There is a lot of stigma attached, which tbf, you've proved as its changed your opinion of him. That's why people don't shout about it. You aren't "partners" either really as your lives/finances are separate. So he had no need to tell you, until he saw how things may progress.

I don't think you should give him a hard time, he sounds like he's going through shit ATM.

Is he getting the benefits he may entitled to such as single persons' discounted council tax, child benefit, plus child support from his stbxw?

It's a bit of a biggie and there seems to have been a lot of lying over a long period. The lying would bother me. The subject not so much.

Are you now questioning his version of events with his exW? Are you suspicious of his own financial history? If it was me I would wonder.

Thanks....all
Yes...the feeling of disappointment....no his ex does not support...
I understand....we dont share finances...so maybe he didnt have to tell me. But he always said he had..'nothing to hide' when clearly this was.....he says he now feels a 'financial burden'...my feelings are all over the place (:

Yes. It would bother me.

You don't build a life together on lies.

If someone can lie to you over something so important, and lie well - how can you ever trust them? They have only shown you what a good liar they are. What else do they or will they lie about? The sexless marriage, perhaps? Or what?

And one partner's financial situation does impact on the other partner, whether they run separate accounts or not. Not being able to pay their share for a start - which is going to lead to resentment. So it's something you need to know in order to make an informed choice. Do you want to enter into that situation or not.

I can see why he would lie about his not sure if it means he lies about everything or not.
I would take note though and not get into any sort of financial/house sharing commitments until you know 100% where you are with him.
You sound quite sorted out thoguh so why take on someone with these kind of problems?

It would be a deal breaker for me. To be able to lie about something so big would kill my ability to trust him.

Are you sure it was the ex wife who built up the 30k debt?

Maybe he wouldn't have had his house repossessed if his ex was paying child maintenance, as she should be doing as he has them full time.

I can't imagine how it must feel to have your house repossessed. Especially for a male who has an instinct to provide. Must have killed him inside. No wonder he was embarrassed.

There are two types of liars. Those who do it to preserve others' feelings, save embarrassment or are ashamed (this is where I put this guy) and there are those who are selfish sh*ts who only care about themselves and don't care about the path of destruction they leave behind.

You have 2 options: 1) leave him because you cannot trust him and this will always be at the back of your mind or 2) help him take his ex to the CSA/Court so she pays for her kids and support him emotionally whilst going through this. It depends how much you love him I suppose and what other qualities he has.

'But he always said he had..'nothing to hide' '

If someone said more than once that he had 'nothing to hide', then alarm bells would ring for me.

I would be asking PooPoo's question too.

He isnt a constant liar..that I know..He has devoted himself to his kids..the last few years. have spoken to him and absolutely distraught still and very down.....He feels the whole of his working life has gone down the drain....he tried everything to keep the house...
His ex went off with men who had money.......
I cant just walk away..and no we wont be sharing a house for a few years yet so have plenty of time to sort finances....Was just a disappontment to me finding out....He had wanted to tell me...but at the right time for him....
Thanks all x

We live with the constant threat of repossesion, its horrible and degrading and we are managing to avoid it, thank God but we were so close. Now i am very much a "fuck what everyone thinks" sort of person but i would be MORTIFIED :( So i can sort of understand why he didn't want to tell you.

The only advice i can offer for him is to contact the National Debt line if he has furhter debts. There is no shame in being in debt or having financial difficulties. But if he can get some decent advice he may well be able to get himself sorted quicker.

good luck for the future the pair of you, i hope things work out for you x

In all honesty I think its only the business of the DP in this instance...not married, no kids, not cohabiting (sorry if Ive misread) also a relatively short relationship. Sorry OP but dont think its any of your business :o/

Sorry, dont know what that emoticon is!!