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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how do I tell him it's over

19 replies

purplepants · 16/07/2012 22:25

please tell me how I do it... I hate hurting anyone. If I'm being honest, I was drunk when I said yes to marrying him (and yes, I know I'm a complete pathetic person but couldn't work out how to say "actually, I don't think you're quite right for me - I was drunk last night etc etc") I cried at our wedding KNOWING it was wrong and 13 years later I've finally decided (despite having 3 young children) that I can't do this anymore. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong. But very intolerant of our children and just SO wrong for me. I've got the whole "where are we going to live" thing (we've just moved to a new area - his mortgage) I don't work (though I've made a few friends), and I just feel so utterly alone and stupid for letting it get this far.... any advice would be so very welcome.

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 16/07/2012 22:26

It's not his mortgage or money alone if you're married.

EclecticShock · 16/07/2012 22:34

Blimey 13 years... I feel for you. Just tell him.

dequoisagitil · 16/07/2012 22:39

As for telling him, there is no way you can make it anything but painful. There are no easy outs, I'm afraid. You just have to make your mind up, tell him and stick to it. If it's right for you, then you have to just do the thing.

You could consider moving back to your old hometown, which might be best if you have good support there.

Original poster

purplepants · 16/07/2012 22:43

I don't want to screw him over financially. Shit, I just want out and I don't know where to start now that I've finally got to the stage where I know that I need to do it. How DO you do it? Is it better to just say "fuck off, never darken my door again, speak through solicitors" or try to do it amicably - ie live together, sell/downsize house and hope it all turns out ok. I honestly have no idea

OP posts:

Original poster

purplepants · 16/07/2012 22:47

Eclecticshoc - I just feel so bad. I tried really hard to make it work but we're just poles apart and I feel such a fucking idiot for pretending to myself that it would be ok.

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dequoisagitil · 16/07/2012 22:50

You have three children together, so you need to protect them financially - not think you're a bad person so you don't deserve anything.

You tried, you hoped, you went along - it didn't work out.

That doesn't make you bad or stupid.

Original poster

purplepants · 16/07/2012 22:50

thanks for your comments - very much appreciated

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mummakaz · 16/07/2012 22:52

I think your going to just have to tell him. There is no easy way of saying it to him and there will never be a right time. I would also try and do it amicably for the kids sake.

izzyizin · 16/07/2012 22:54

In my book a nice guy is never intolerlant of any children and especially not his own.

The mortgage may be in his name alone but the property is a joint asset marital in common with the contents of bank/savings accounts, investments, etc.

Before you tell him, I would suggest you book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half hour initial consultation to see what you may expect in terms of division of asset and child support/maintenance if you seek to divorce your h.

Original poster

purplepants · 16/07/2012 22:54

dequoisagitil - thank you. My head knows - but I feel such a shit person at the moment for doing this.

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Original poster

purplepants · 16/07/2012 23:02

izzyizin - your comment about nice guys and their children made me cry. He's fine with anyone elses but I daren't leave him alone with ours for any length of time as he's so harsh. The one time I did an overnight stay away, our daughter (2) didn't want anything to do with him for about a week -shit, when I write that down it looks awful :(

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Original poster

purplepants · 16/07/2012 23:13

I'll definately take legal advice (you see it everywhere but never think to take it up ) Thank you all - I really appreciate you taking the time to post x

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izzyizin · 16/07/2012 23:26

It seems to me that what you're saying is that when he's in company he's fine with children, but he's an abusive bully and a tyrant when he's alone with yours.

If that's the case, there is a shit person in your marriage - but it sure ain't you, honey.

If you need a recommendation for rottweilers good solicitors in your area, post on the legal board.

Don't delay; the sooner your dc are free of his malign presence the more chance you'll have to undo the psychological damage that he's already inflicted on them.

Original poster

purplepants · 16/07/2012 23:50

thank you izzyizin - I think... no, I know.... oh fuck. He works away about 80% of the time so at least I have some time to try to organise things. Thanks for giving me some prespective and a reality check -it's so very easy to dupe yourself about stuff and I really appreciate the advice.

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izzyizin · 17/07/2012 00:09

Petition for divorce on the ground of his unreasonable behaviour. I suspect that once you start listing examples you'll be hard pressed to restrict them to half a dozen or so.

Do please come back with an update - I'd like to know that your dc will soon be able to live free of fear.

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 00:14

I was feeling sorry for him until you said that about your daughter.

Tell him it's not working, he frightens the kids and you are putting them first.

Make sure all access is supervised, too, otherwise your daughter in particular will have a lot of problems in her life.

If he's away 80% of the time, I'd tell him as soon as he's gone away, if it buys you some time and him some cooling off time.

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2012 00:15

Protect your children. The upside is you get to leave the bloke too.

Original poster

purplepants · 17/07/2012 00:37

he's due home next week after 6 weeks away (he's military - for the record - quelle surprise eh). The children have been lovely whilst he's been away (it takes a few days to get used to it - let's be realistic). But what constitutes unreasonable behaviour? The discomfiture of children.?..an atmosphere?...a grumbly shit being in the room? I'll get some legal advice and address that later.

I will come back to you because I really appreciate your feedback ...and I am going to end this. If only for my childrens' sake. Thank you :)

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izzyizin · 17/07/2012 02:31

This would seem to be far more than a matter of differing parenting styles.

I would suggest that you list examples of his unreasonable behaviour towards the dc, any unreasonable expectations he has of them, any way in which he treats them, or responds to them, in an age-inappropriate manner, include your dd's reaction when you returned home after one night away and go through your list with your solicitor.

A grumbly shit who sucks the joy out of life and casts a pall of misery over your home should spoil you for choice when it comes to any further anecdotal evidence that may be required to support your assertion that his behaviour is unreasonable.

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