unemployment

[hmummy]

My dh has been out of work for a year now. I work part time and have been doing as much over time as I can. We have been up and down the roller-coaster of hope and despair. Trying to keep everything normal for the kids. I am starting to wonder if he will ever get another job(he used to work in finance sector) as I know the longer you go without work the more unlikely you will get a job. Any ideas/ suggestions would be gratefully received. He wont take any advice from me...trying not to be resentful and to not lose respect for him/ let our relationship die...but all 3 of those things are happening! Help.

Could he volunteer somewhere? Especially if he has an interest in whatever it is, it could give him opportunities for training and something on his CV other than sat-on-ass.

Perhaps volunteering for the CAB or debt advisory type services to play to his strengths?

His own business? Perhaps advising people/accountancy?

I'd suggest he gets in touch with some recruitment consultants. Let them assess his CV, talk to him about his skil set, and work out if there are any improvements he can make or if his skills make him suitable for a different role that he hasn't considered yet. As industries tend to be very 'closed' he should also be making full use of any contacts,

Hmummy - why are you getting resentful? Is he not trying to get a job? Not helping with the kids? If he was better at these would your relationship be better?

Thanks for replies - he is trying to get a job - agencies, applying on line to lots of different jobs. Just none of it is working and I suppose I think he should try something else. I think he should do as CogitoErgo suggests, but as I said, he wont listen to my advice.

He does help with the kids, washing up, laundry etc. But not tidying and no jobs around the house like putting shelves up, painting etc.

I still feel as if I am running around like a blue-arsed fly. I think it has just gone on too long this time (he has been made redundant before but managed to get back into work within 6 months). I feel as if I have to be supportive all the time, jolly everyone along, whilst also supporting everything financially too. Would be good to hear from anyone in the same boat.

sorry I meant dequoisagital - he has tried all the agency things, thanks cogito

"he wont listen to my advice"

Six months is a long time to not listen. I think a change of tactic is called for or he'll simply stagnate. If you think he could be depressed (quite possible) then get him to a GP. Otherwise, be generally more demanding, setting a few deadlines and ultimatums if necessary. Explain that you're prepared to be supportive but he's not making any progress and 'doing nothing' is not an option. He won't like it but it might prompt him into action.

Has he tried www.gaapweb.com have found this good.

Ah this is a tough one. I sort of know how you feel, my DH was made redundant (legal profession) and he was getting nowhere with job applications and interviews - he went to so many that didn't even bother to let him know whether he'd been successful or not. I think the constant cycle of applying, psyching yourself up for an interview and then the knock back can really take it's toll on anyone - never mind a previously successful person responsible for the financial wellbeing of their family.

My DH got very upset when I tried to suggest different ways of job hunting, he didn't want to talk to anyone about being unemployed and would shy away from the topic when out with friends - unfortunatly everyone has an opinion on what someone should be doing to get another job. My parents kept asking me why he wasn't 'knocking on doors' and 'applying at tesco'. It was hard for me too, defending him to everyone, whilst at the same time having niggling doubts about whether he could be doing more. It's one of those make or break situations I think, I tried to bite my tounge most of the time and tried to be as supportive as I could, because I'd never seen my strong DH so deflated and upset.

Six months of nothing went buy and I got him a job at my work working in the warehouse on minimum wage - quite a come down from the City law firms, but he took it in his stride and knew it was for the benefit of us. He was only there six weeks before he got a 2 month contract in the City and then a month after that was offered a great 12 month contract that ended up being extended.

But - 2 years to the week of the first redundancy they terminated the contract with immedate effect, no notice, no pay - off you go. He was devestated again and I was also dreading what was to come.

In the end, it was the best thing that ever happened. We sold up and moved to Australia and never looked back - he has a great career now and the struggle of a few years ago is a memory.

Sorry for rambling on a bit, I just thought it might be helpful to hear that there will be another job for him, you've got to concentrate on keeping him feeling supported and try your very best not to resent him. You can have a winge to friends (and on MN) but you've got to try and keep his confidence up if he's to get that next best thing.

Good luck x

What kind of work did he do in the finance sector? If it's in an area which has completely dried up, he needs to retrain/look elsewhere. That can be a hard message to accept though - I have a brother who will only look at certain work on a certain wage, everything else is "beneath him". As a result, he just goes from one short-term temp job to another, and I wonder how long his wife will put up with it.

You are right to be on his case though - you can't go on like this forever. It's not good for any of you.

Op, are you me?
Except for the fact that its been 2 years for us, I could have written your post.

Am busy now, but will add my experience later.

olgaga

There is nothing unusual in finance for people to take lots of short term contracts. There is a big market for it and plenty of jobs. I did it myself for a few years and it can be very lucrative. Plenty of people work this way out of choice. It gives you variety, flexibility and usually pays better than working in a full time position.

My daughter is a recruitment consultant in the financial sector.
She tells me that her worst clients are middle aged men who have worked for the same company all their working lives and are used to interviewing people.
they refuse to take the advice of a 25 year old girlie, they refuse to have practice interviews and they refuse to take a pay cut, even when there is a chance of promotion.
I am not saying that your husband is like that but is there any chance that some of it is true?
FWIW she gave good advice to my BIL who has now got a lower paid but same type of job.
I think there are jobs in finance from what she says but people have to be flexible.

LancsDad

There is nothing unusual in many sectors for people to take lots of short term contracts - it's not confined to the finance sector! However since the Agency Workers Directive came into force, most temp contracts are three months or less. It's fine if you can command a good salary and get steady work.

However, that's not really the point. The point is OP's DH has been unemployed for a year. Which rather indicates that he's either not looking very hard, or he's fruitlessly looking for work that no longer exists, or a salary he can no longer expect.
www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/banksandfinance/9001011/Financial-services-sector-sheds-20000-jobs-in-six-months-claims-CBI-and-PricewaterhouseCoopers.html

That's why I asked what kind of work did he do in the finance sector.

In the world of so called equality of the sexes there does still seem to be an expectation that it is the mans responsibility to earn the money and look after the family. There is even an undercurrent of it on some of these threads. "wonder how long his wife will put up with it"

I am in a job in finance. The industry is in a mess and I have never seen it so bad. Personally I would do anything if I lost my job, taxi driving, working in subway, anything. However i can relate to the need to keep going looking for a similar role and similar pay. Men want this status sometimes and hate the thought of having to work in tesco while their friends are still in jobs they had previously.

maleview70 Can I just point out that OP said she is working part time and have been doing as much over time as I can. She isn't expecting to sit at home while DH goes out to work so she can pay the cleaner and nanny. Why are you so defensive about a woman simply wanting their other half to pull their weight? You poor men, so put upon.

He evidently isn't the paragon of virtue you are. He has been out of work for a year. He has a family to support.

If someone chooses to put their delicate ego above the needs of their family that's wrong - whatever gender they are.

Thanks for all advice. Especially Happygolucky - she totally gets it. It is a real mix of emotions from one day to the next. I am supportive of DH and just have a moan to close friends. He has applied to every type of job he can - including shelf stacker at Tesco. If he applies to any old job they say he is over qualified and wont stay. Shop work - lines of people with shop experience. At several interviews it has been more than hinted at that he is too old (He's 41!) At one interview he was asked how did he feel about working with people younger and more ambitious than himself!
7to25 - I am afraid several (young) recruitment agents have messed up potential jobs for DH through mis-communication.
I totally agree with Happygolucky that 'everyone has an opinion'.....'Has he tried this/that???' 'Yes, of COURSE!'
I did read that looking for a job is like no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,yes- so I am just hoping for a yes soon.
!
Thanks again for responses.

Thanks LAncsdad - will pass on website. Don't know if he knows it. He was working in fund management but after being made redundant worked for 20 months as finance officer in Job Centre (quite a big salary and status reduction) then got made redundant again.

This happened to my husband and he didn't take it well, at all. He was out of the workplace (full time, professional role) for a year after redundancy, that wasn't too bad, it was the second year that was the killer, especially as he did get a couple of interviews but didn't get the job.

We hit it from both angles- I applied for full-time jobs as well as him, and got one and now my job is more secure/higher paid than his job although he did get back into contract work.

It's worth thinking outside the box- can you go full-time and him part-time? can he work evenings/weekends/consultancy/tuition to save on childcare costs? is he approaching everyone and anyone contact-wise?

It is tougher than ever out there, it's a horrible climate to look for a job, so try not to be resentful and to see it as a team project, once you start blaming and being resentful about roles not staying the same (perhaps he won't be the breadwinner for the next few years) it all goes downhill.

Thank you mumsyblouse...I know you're right

This is really hard. My DH was made redundant after working his way up from the bottom in the same company from a YTS lad at 17 (he was 33) two years ago.

It was a really hard time. Luckily my wage covered the major bills so we weren't at risk of losing are home or anything. But took almost six months to find any work at all and it really knocked his confidence. Was the only time in our entire relationship he's been abusive towards me (he lost both grandparents who he was really close to in this period too. Really hard time for him...)

But he did get through it and build his confidence back up by doing the following:
Restored all original floor boards in our house. Is there a restoration type project your DH could do? Nowt like a job well done to give your boost.
Volunteered at a local shelter for homeless young people sorting out their office and computer systems
Finally after realising nothing was doing in his field (engineering purchasing management) took a minimum wage job in local passport office. He was at least getting up and out every day which made him feel better.

Six months later he got a temp job in his field. He started at a much lower level but over past 18 months has worked his way back up and is now permanent and a manager again. It wasn't an easy road but he loves where he works now and the whole experience brought us closer together and showed us if you stick together and stick at it you can get there.

Really hope you and DH get through this together....