Should I stay or should I go?

[IfImHonest]

Many months ago, I posted on here and I had some wonderful advice. I explained that I have a lovely DH but that for years I've had a serious issue - namely that I didn't fancy him anymore and hated having sex with him. It had gotten to the point where I sometimes even felt violated when we did. But he is a great father and husband in every way other than this issue.

anyway, I got fantastic advice and for the first time I managed to accept that this is an issue, and one which needed sorting out. I raised it with him (not easy) and for 6 months now we've been doing sex counselling. BUT - and here's the rub - I simply don't think it is working. I really, really try. We do all the exercises (massages, etc etc) - I have tried everything to rekindle the flame, I really have. We've spoken at length as to why I might find him sexually unattractive (essentially I think I see him as my safe, secure rock - he's a bit like a Dad to me if that makes sense) and it's very hard to see him in a sexual light. but ultimately I've not had any sense that I feel any more desire for him./

so I feel like we're at a crunch point. It makes me desperately sad to sit in these sessions with this lovely man who doesn't deserve this - to be told that his wife doesn't want to shag him. It also makes me feel awful that we've gotten to this point. BUT - I'm only 39 - is this life enough?

We have 2 DCs (2 and 4) who just love their daddy and I cannot believe that I am considering disrupting their lives so totally (i.e. separating from their daddy) for the sake of a sex life... I just can't do it to them, it breaks my heart.

where do I go from here?

You say about disrupting the lives of your children for the sake of a sex life, how do you know you would find the next man sexually attractive or the one after that or the one after that?

ifimhonest
i understand. i was with H for 13 years, now divorced. i didn't fancy him, but there were other reasons too. i met someone else who i literally couldn't keep my hands off i fancied him so much, the chemistry was definitely there, however i didn't want to be in that relationship for different reasons. however i don't regret getting divorced, i am free now. free to me mr right one day (i can only hope :-)
you can't stay with your H for the sake of the children. you have tried (as did i by going to relate and seeing different councellors for months) at least you can say that

Sexual attraction is something that is either there or it isn't. Like a joke isn't funny if you have to explain it, nothing kills passion like analysing why one person finds the other unattractive. The problem is that it's not just one sex-life that's being sacrificed at the moment, it's two. After six months of failing to excite you sexually this 'lovely' man must be feeling utterly crushed and his self-esteem through the floorboards. It seems cruel to ask him to live that way a minute longer.

Peppa thank you for sharing your experience. I guess I am desperately scared that I will regret it one day, and it is good to hear your experience and that you don't regret it. How are your children coping? (perhaps you didn't have any?)

Cogito - harsh words, but I really appreciate them. I agree. I feel that all the time. He is lovely. He must feel awful.

Having your partner reject you sexually is utterly dreadful, and has a dreadful effect on your self esteem.

Please be honest with him as soon as possible, and let him decide what he wants to do.

i was with my ex for 5 years, 2 or 3 years in i started to fancy him less and less. partly because he put on so much weight and partly because he cut off his awesome hair! oddly thought it was him who wanted less sex, i think he was paranoid about his weight gain and he could tell i just didn't find him that attractive anymore.

anyway, long story short, i ended up cheating on him several times with another man and felt pretty guilty about the whole situation for years until i came to terms with the fact that it wasn't fair on me or him to stay in the relationship. thankfully though we didn't have any DC's to worry about.

i ended up leaving my job as well as my ex as i lived far away from family and didn't have anywhere else to go. i seemed like a huge risk but it's one i'm very glad i took as i am now with an amazing DP and we have an equally amazing DD :)

good luck and just thought i'd share my experience. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it may seem very small at times.

The first question to ask is whether sex is a massive part of your life. Can you live without a fulfilling sex life?

If you can't and the 'spark' won't come back then you are entitled to consider leaving to start again. But 'starting again' won't be easy and won't happen over-night.

My DH was impotent for 7 years before he died (a medical condition) and I had to do a lot of reflection. I was 32 years old - no chance of having children because of this .... etc etc. I decided that I COULD live without PIV sex because we were intimate and very close in lots of other ways. I knew I had found my life-long partner and I took on board the 'for worse' bit of our marriage vows.

That won't work though if you don't feel the same type of love I felt for my DH - and he for me. A sexless marriage is very hard until you work yourself into a 'better place'.

I think I have rambled a bit - sorry! I only intended to share to help you process your own feelings and thoughts.

I think you need to be really honest with your DH about how you feel and the decision you are pondering.

Because you staying in the marriage feeling the way you do isn't just your decision to make, it's his too.

Your DH needs to decide if being with someone who doesn't want sex with him is enough for him.

Is your DH older than you?
What do you think used to make him sexually attractive to you originally?
Are you holding things against him emotionally?

personally, after experiencing amazing chemistry with a new partner after not sleeping with my exH for a couple of years before we separated, it made me realise what i was missing.
my exH left when ds was 18 mo. he is now 4 and is doing just fine. it isnt easy being a single parent, but at least i am free and do not feel trapped anymore.
i dont think in time you would regret it, just feel a sadness i guess. Plus you never know how your exH is going to be during divorce, someone who you thought was "very nice" and "lovely" suddenly isnt. You can still co-parent with your H. At least if the kids are young they will adjust easily.

OP, don't know how old you are, but have you had your thyroid checked? Loss of libido can be one of the symptoms. Might be worth a try.

I can remember laughing with a nurse at a local hospital. We both agreed that before thyroxin, had Mel Gibson been pounding down the door, gagging for it, we would have both told him that we'd rather curl up for an afternoon nap in our cardis (metaphorical - don't yet wear them )