Can I send this email to dh?

[gateacre1]

Our relationship is not in agood place, I am not sure that you even like me, that you want to spend time with me. I feel like you resent me and I don't want to live in a house with an atmosphere any more.

I don't want to be afraid to ask you for help around the house. It is not fair that you expect me to do 99% of the chores, paperwork, all of the childcare and work too.

I am afraid to ask you for hell and or advice because you mock me and when I ask for your help you belittle me and insinuate that I am a weak person for even needing any help or support.

You belittle and mock me for choices I make constantly and you criticise me for the things I do with my free time.
You criticise ne for reading, for the things I choose to watch on tv, for going on MN, you criticise me for going to group exercise classes.
You criticise me for wanting to have a clean kitchen and bathroom. You criticise me when I ask for help about difficult situations in work.

In fact the more I think about it, why are we even in a relationship if so little that I do, pleases you?

You are slowly wearing down my self esteem , you are acting like a cruel bulky who has systematically over the last few months worn down my self confidence and self belief.

You are not the person I met 7 yrs ago and I am not the person you met 7 yrs ago, you have destroyed a lot of my confidence and spirit, with your continual criticism and inability to support me when I need your help.

Sorry about typos and bad spg.

We are going through a rough patch and he has been really verbally aggressive to me this weekend swearing and shouting at me in front of the kids and generally not being nice.

Should say help not hell

Don't send that. Like all bullies, he'll take the piss out of you even more if he knows it's getting you down. Bullies only respect one thing and that's strength. Pack his bags, leave them outside and pin a nice letter to the handle along the lines of 'You're a miserable, idle, cowardly specimen of a human being. Here's your stuff. Don't come back until you learn to treat me with some respect'

Send it

I have no idea what your DH is like but there are a lot of accusations and 'you do this, you do that'.

If he's a total pig and deserves it then I would say yes go for it but if you love him and feel he would be unaware how you feel and hurt by it, I would maybe tone it down a bit and perhaps put in it how you have ever been in the wrong and things you could change as well.

The latter is all only if you feel it's a joint thing/problem and not a one sided one all from him - if that's the case he needs the wake up call!

Poor you

I'd like to tell you to rewrite that to be honest with the onus being primarily on you not putting up with what he does.

Hopefully one of the wise wordy MNers will be along to guide you.

Its too nice - Just tell him to fuck off!

If even half of that is true I wouldn't send it it'll just make things worse.

It sounds whiney to me. He will hear "waa waa waa, me me me".

Do you want to save the relationship or not? If you do, why? Focus on what you like or used to like about your relationship and/or him. Express regret that that seems to be reducing, and ask/wonder what "we" can do to get back to it.

If not, a short "your clothes are on the front lawn; you'll be hearing from my solicitor in due course" will suffice.

Genuinely, the email you propose does you no favours at all.

Thanks for your replies
I know I am not perfect by any means and I am sure I do things that annoy him.
But is the constant character assassination a d belittling that is really upsetting g me.
I am normally a really confident person, I think I wil,rewrite it coming from a different angle, maybe how I would like him to stop doing these things.

We are from different cultural background and any he sees any human weakness as pathetic, and just tells me to stop being so emotional all the time and to get a grip when he upsets me.

I do love him and we have two young children. We went through a similar bad patch after the v traumatic birth of dd1 when he expected me to be up and out immediately even though my body was literally falling apart. He thought I was weak and was very cruel to me, but to be fair to him, he did change otherwise dd2 would not be her. He is jut slipping into old habits.

Sending that particular email will play into his hands.

The email you should be sending is 'After this last weekend, it's clear you have no interest in our marriage and it's my intention to instruct a solicitor petiton for divorce citing your unreasonable behaviour'.

Better still, either say it or simply book yourself an appointment with a solciitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half hour initial consultation.

If necessary, post on the Legal board for recommendations for family law solicitors in your area.

If he kicks off on learning of your intentions, don't hesitate to call the police if you feel threatened or intimidated by him.

"I am normally a really confident person, I think I wil,rewrite it coming from a different angle, maybe how I would like him to stop doing these things".

He has systematically shut you down and now has you where he has wanted you all along.

Do not send that e-mail you wrote to him. It will be used by him instead as further ammo against you.

This is not anything to do with his culture; abusive men can come from within any culture. This is the real him.

Such men act like this as well because they can; this is all about power and control when all is said and done. Abusive men can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle.

How does he behave with and around other people; my guess is that he reserves all his bile for you. He is probably very plausible to those in the outside world.

I would very carefully consider your own future with this man because from where I am sitting there is not one. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. What does he shouting and swearing in front of the children teach them about relationships?. Do you really want to teach them that such behaviour in a relationship is at all acceptable?. Think about the relationship lessons you yourself want to teach them. It is okay to leave such a harmful and damaged individual.

Our relationship is not in a good place. I do not wish to continue living in such an atmosphere anymore.

The chores, paperwork and childcare are not shared and considering I work this is not teamwork.

I ask for support because you are supposed to be my partner and it is upsetting and chiildish that you consider this an opening to insult me.

What I do in my free time is for my enjoyment, not for your critisism, this includes what I read, watch on TV, going on MN and excercise classes. I like the house to be clean and tidy which I am sure is a pleasure to have for the whole family.

If we fail to support each other and work together, there is no future for us. Please consider the whole family, as I am, it is the for the benefit of us all.

There you go, make it positive and don't take anymore crap he dishes out. If necessary, leave the bastard

Another vote for not sending it.
He sounds horrendous and it will backfire spectacularly.

The solicitor sounds a better option. He won't change permanently, as you yourself have seen.......sounds like you just periods of acceptability. But I would ask yourself whether even in his periods of 'acceptable' behaviour you are actually happy or just relieved he is not being a total c*nt?

Agree with SirSugar, first version too long.

I am sorry you are in this situation. I was too, I sent (lots) of similar emails (because he wouldn't talk to me) and my thoughts are now that if your relationhship is in such a bad place that you are even thinking of sending an email like that, I am afraid it is probably not salvalgable.

I hope I am wrong, but frankly I wouldn't stick around very long if you don't get a positive response from him to this. And by 'positive' I mean - recognising that there is a problem in this relationship that will mean he at least listens and takes on board what you say. Even if he doesn't agree 100% or thinks there are things you need to do, you must be able to discuss it constructively like adults and come to an agreement that works for you both. If this isn't possible, I really question what is the value in a relationship where one side continually feels put upon and belitted and the other side does nothing to remedy that.

"I know I am not perfect by any means"

No-one's perfect but we don't all get yelled at, mocked, belittled, criticised. If a random stranger spoke to you this way, what would be your reaction? Tell them to bugger off? Call the police? Cross the street? This man is no random stranger, he is the person who is meant to love, care for and cherish you above all others. He is spectacularly failing on all those counts and, even if you were the most irritating person on the planet, he has no right to treat you this way.

You may love him but he really doesn't love you.