Devastated and feel sick...my recently widowed Dad is "getting friendly" with his neighbour - who is married!

[NotActuallyAMum]

I'm absolutely shellshocked. Mum has only been gone 7 weeks. What the hell are they both thinking?? How can they think this is OK?

Just want to sit and sob

I think we all need to remember that we are all individuals. Nigella Lawson said something aboout not being a person who likes to be alone, and I understand John Diamond was aware of the possibility of a relationship for her with Charles Saatchi before he died. My DH and I have both told each other not to care about what anyone else thinks if either of us dies, and to grab any chance of happiness we can when it presents itself.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Similar situation in our family and it is very upsetting. BUT, it's my Dad's life and I would hate him to be alone in old age, especially as my sister and I don't live close to him.

If your Dad keeps talking about it/asking your advice, I would suggest just saying it is all too raw still and that you'd rather not. You don't have to pass any judgement, but just let him know that you are obviously upset about your Mum and need time to come to terms with things.

I am so sorry for your loss. A diagnosis of cancer and fast demise is so hard on everyone. It was 2 months in the case of my late-DH.

I read a lot of books at the time as I was struggling as a 46 year old widow. Virginia Ironside's "The Empty Bed" was one that made sense to me as I processed my loss. I will never forget a chapter I read that, in essence, said that women batten-down-the-hatches and resign themselves to their fate; men seek the next partner within weeks or months.

In my case it has been true - I have been widowed 11 years this year (still single and not looking) but male partners of female friends and relatives have ALL gone on to forge new relationships very quickly. The thing I have noticed is that the men have all 'sought permission' from relatives and friends. They have tested the water to see if they are 'allowed' to seek happiness again. It won't be the same for your Dad - when he has had a life-long love of his life, nothing can or ever will replace that. But he is used to companionship and female company and he is missing it.

I suspect that the neighbour has also missed companionship and laughter. She has been relegated to the role of 'carer' through no fault of her own (nor her husband's).

Take the time to work through your own grief at the loss of your DM. Don't worry about your DF and his new relationship. It isn't disrespectful to your DM at all. She will always have that special place in his heart that no other woman could ever take.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/1449618-Double-standards-for-widows-and-widowers

It isn't helpful carernotasaint to simply post a link without any personal comment. It is the quickest way to kill a thread when the OP needed help and support.

I had to read that link to figure out if you were disagreeing with me; advising me and/or the OP .... or something else.

Thank you for the link - it was actually very informative.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Please try to remember that your dad is grieving and is actually very vulnerable right now. He's lost his wife and he is lost also. It's more common than you think for someone recently bereaved to seek out another person and cling to them.

He's found another lost soul looking for comfort.

They aren't making wise choices, god knows they're not. But take a deep breath and try to see this for what it is. Two really wounded people reaching out to each other.

It doesn't mean your dad didn't love your mum. It means he did and he is lost without her.

A vicar once told me that in his experience the men who had the happiest marriages were the ones who most quickly got new relationships (look at poor old Paul McCartney)

This is someone he knows and likes and is comfortable with, she was your mums friend, your mum probably was very supportive of her and told your father how sorry she was that here friend was having to cope as a carer. In his head she's probably someone your mum would approve of - and ATM he is probably all too aware of how short life is and how suddenly someone can be taken from him. if this woman was your mums friend then she too has lost someone she saw, and who supported her, on a regular basis.

On the plus side he's not signed up to a dating site or imported a Thai bride. I think you are just going to have to accept that this is his way of coping with the loss. They are two very sad people coming together for mutual support, they are adults. I don't think you have to pretend to approve but I think it might be kind to keep your disapproval gentle.