Could anyone help me in trying to understand this?

[Crimebusterofthesea]

I'm really hoping that someone here can maybe help me with this - I'm relatively new so apologies if this is the wrong place to post etc. Ok, so my MIL sadly passed away just over 4 years ago. My DH and I were both 24 at the time. My FIL has recently met a new partner and DH, although happy for his dad, is having those conflicting feelings that are only natural in this situation. He misses his mum terribly and his dad has always said that no one will ever replace her. Yesterday, FIL and his new partner came over and FIL has removed his wedding ring. When they left, my DH was so upset and it broke my heart to see him like that. He didn't really understand why his dad would do this and said to me that if his mum were still alive, he would still be wearing the ring, so just because she is no longer with us, why remove it? I felt awful because I couldn't really understand either and could see where DH was coming from. I just thought I would post on here to see if anyone who had unfortunately lost their OH and then went on to meet someone else, had also decided to remove their wedding ring and could maybe explain why they decided to do this? I appreciate it is a really emotive and personal thing to discuss, so thank you so much if you take the time to read this and respond.

Just because he's taken the ring off, doesn't mean it no longer means anything to him. My mum put her rings away as keepsakes and still treasures them. But she wears a new ring from her second marriage now.

Your dh can't expect his father to stay locked in place forever - he's found someone and he's showing her that he's available to her, not stuck in mourning forever. It's hard, of course, but your dh has to accept his father moving on with his life. He isn't married to his mum anymore, she died. He's allowed to take the ring off if he's ready to.

The wedding ring is symbolic of a past life that has gone. He will always remember his late wife with affection - he has said as much - but if he is now trying to move on and find happiness, he's entitled to put it away as a sign of respect to his new partner.

My Nanna lost her first husband and later remarried,she wore her first husbands ring on her right hand and her new husbands on her left hand....its always going to be a difficult decision for both your fil and your dh to accept this change ....poor dh and fil .

you sound lovely x

I don't think DH is expecting his father to stay stuck in mourning forever - as I said he is really happy that he has found a new partner. I think viewing the ring as a symbol is a good way to view it, it doesn't make it any easier though.

Agree with nickschick, you do sound lovely. It must be really hard for you and your husband.

But - try to look at things another way if you can, even if it's just because it sounds like your DH has a lovely family and memories of his mum and it would be a real shame if this comes between him and his dad. Four years is a long time to be alone and if a man has had a happy marriage he's more likely to want to find that happiness again. Can you try to see it as a compliment to your late MIL in a way, that the happiness he had with her and the memories of that are one of the things making him seek that again?

He's not trying to replace her directly, if you like, but she's left a big void in his life. Living with that void, and being lonely isn't necessarily the best way to honour her memory - if they were happy he may feel confident that it's what she would have wanted for him and that's nice.

Also, it's not easy starting a relationship with someone who is widowed. You know you can't replace them, and you can't compete, nor would you wish to. And if your PIL were happy, this new woman will know that part of your FIL's heart will always belong to his late wife. Taking the ring off might make things feel easier for the new woman.

Or it may be that your FIL has taken it off because he thinks it's wrong to be publicly wearing it when he's out with another partner - because he doesn't feel comfortable that the ring might say to people that he's married to her - because it's not HER ring.

It's all tricky and it's bound to upset your husband, and it's OK to be upset anyway, because it's all part of the process of life carrying on after someone really important has died.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond - it means a lot. To be honest, I hadn't even thought about the fact people may assume that they are married - that may well be the case and I suppose it avoids awkward conversations in the future etc. I just felt so sorry for my DH yesterday, he has dealt with the lose of his mother better than I ever imagined he would have done, but as you have rightly pointed out, just because he has taken off the ring, it doesn't mean that he has 'forgotten', he is just moving on to the next chapter.