Anyone want children but relationship has ended and it's back to square one?

[FreckledLeopard]

Just wondering if there are others in the same boat. Current marriage is ending and am filing for divorce. Had expectations at start of relationship that this would be 'The One' and that I'd settle down and have children (have one DD, 11, from previous relationship).

Obviously this has gone tits up and I find myself thinking a lot about the children I still want in the future. I would ideally like two more children by the age of 34 - I'm 30 now. Having gone through this horribly acrimonious break-up, I'm scared to think about a new relationship and wonder whether having donor conceived children might be the best option? I just worry that if I met someone else and had children with them and it all went wrong, that I'd have custody disputes and my life would have to take the father's wishes into account all the time (so, for example, if I wanted to live abroad, move to a new area etc). I'm fortunate (in some ways) that DD's father has never had anything to do with us since I got pregnant aged 18, so I've been able to pursue whatever has been in our best interests without worrying about anyone else.

But, I think about the realities and practicalities of having donor conceived children and the fact that if I went down this route I would never experience the normal TTC with a partner. I'd love to have that discussion with someone about not using contraception and trying to get pregnant. I worry that I'll never have this opportunity.

Any others in a similar situation or that have been in such a predicament?

I realise that fertility drops, but having 2 more children before 34 seems a very arbitrary goal, when it's fairly normal to be having children later. Perhaps you could massage your time scale somewhat.

You could consider having eggs frozen to give yourself more time? I don't know whether it's a possibility financially or practically, of course.

I think it is wise to think about your fertility, just because it might be normal now to have children later doesn't mean it will be achievable, fertility tails off over your thirties as the quality of your eggs decreases. That said I think your plan is a bit batty! You want children without the man but you want the nice bits of ttc? What do you expect to get out of having more children?

Offred - I don't know that I do or don't want another man in my life, that's the difficulty. I like the idea of meeting a great guy, settling down and getting pregnant and having a lovely life, but then worry that the reality will be akin to my current situation, with a breakdown of a relationship and animosity.

I love children. I've always wanted more children. I love being a mother. That's the essential reasoning as to why I want more children.

There's no such thing as a happy ever after so you could never guarantee that a marriage wouldn't breakdown. If all you have experienced is breakdown then it is easy to feel afraid but it doesn't mean the next relationship would break down unless there is some problem with you such as selecting knobheads! If you want children but not a man then donor sperm seems a good option I suppose but you would have to think through really hard whether you could cope with the trying, the pregnancy and the child rearing all by yourself.

You want to have two more children by the time you are 34.

You don't want to risk having children with a partner because then you might have to 'take the father's wishes into account' if it didn't work out, and you wouldn't be 100% free to move wherever you wanted.

But you think YOU might miss out because you'd love to be able to have the conversation about TTC with a partner and you wouldn't be able to do that if you had them on your own!?

I'm sorry, it may be that you just haven't expressed yourself well. It must be painful to find your marriage ending and have to let go of the hope that you would settle down and have a family with that man. And it makes you lose confidence in relationships when a marriage breaks up and this might make you wary of getting into another one.

But wanting a partner for the excitement of TTC with them, and presumably to have them at the scans, be at the birth etc, seems a bit unfair when you come across as also wanting to reserve the right to keep any children conceived all to yourself and not want any future decisions you make on yours or their behalf impeded by the inconvenience of having another parent.

You can't have it both ways. If you want a partner for the good bits, it's only fair to commit to them and accept that parenting is a joint enterprise that your partner has rights and expectations from too. If you want children by a donor, accept that you will be a lone parent and that you will have to make some sacrifices and let go of some fantasies.

If I was a man reading this, I'd consider you a very bad bet for starting a family. Fair play to you being a successful single parent, maybe accept that's what you should be? You come across as either very muddled, or very selfish. You may be neither, but I think you need to think about Offred's question about what you want children for in the first place.

I'm probably both muddled and selfish. I suppose I was raised in a way whereby my mother took the main decisions, assessed schools, decided on how to raise me, whilst my father went out, earned the money and enabled her to be a SAHM and took a back seat in terms of parenting. Having raised my DD, pretty much on my own, for eleven years, I guess I have sufficiently high expectations of how I would want to parent future children and I do worry how being with someone else and raising a child together would work.

I like and crave the idea of 'settling down' and having a 'normal, middle-class' family unit. I would like to be like others my age in terms of going down a well-trodden route, conforming to society's expectations etc. But I over-think and over-analyse, am quirky, fiesty, opinionated, independent and find that firstly finding someone to be in a relationship with is difficult, as is trusting another person to have the same ideals and views as I do in regards to having and raising children.

I could certainly cope with TTC, pregnancy and raising children on my own. I've done it once and can do it again. It's just that if I go down that route, then I say goodbye to the possibility of having a 'normal' life and family unit and achieving this ideal. Which isn't something that I'm currently happy to do, at least without a lot more thought.

My parents were fairly old when I was born - 42 and 49 - having been married for 22 years with no children (and not expecting any, given my mother had never previously conceived). I found being an only child with such a large age gap difficult and don't want the same for my own children, hence why I want more children sooner rather than later. That's not to criticise anyone who has children at a later age, it's just not my preference to do so.

I separated from my first husband at 29, then spent 3 years with someone who I would never have considered having children with. I was 35 before I had my first child & am now 38 & expecting number 2 in September. It's not how I planned it but it's how things have turned out. You've got plenty of time, don't panic!

I could certainly cope with TTC, pregnancy and raising children on my own. I've done it once and can do it again. It's just that if I go down that route, then I say goodbye to the possibility of having a 'normal' life and family unit and achieving this ideal. Which isn't something that I'm currently happy to do, at least without a lot more thought.

You've kind of answered your own question really. And you are very young to be panicking about being an old mum. It's not just physical age, anyway, if your parents were 42 and 49 and had been married without children for 22 years they were probably 'older' anyway, having had so long to rub along together and get set into their ways (like the rather old fashioned gender roles you describe).

You will never be that kind of parent, because you had a child when you were young, and she will keep you young, if that makes sense. So you need to give yourself time and put yourself under less pressure. Also, if you had a child now, your new baby would have a much older sibling, so you will never replicate the family dynamic you had, that you don't want.

I can sympathise. I wanted mine close together and got pg a year after meeting DH and a few weeks before our wedding. Mine are 7, 5 and 2 year old twins (with DH).

I think the TTC would be lonely and clinical and so quite miserable, it might be going against the grain but I think if you want a baby because you want to raise another child but don't want a man I can't see why it is a bad idea if you have thought it through. The very final thing will be to think how the child will feel about it and this is extremely important.

You shouldn't write off future relationships either, whoever you might meet would have to love you for you anyway and this is a part of you isn't it?