Can you rebuild love/trust/respect after affairs etc?

[iambeingunreasonable]

Hello,

I've not posted on MN before despite being a lurker for a while, so I feel a bit bad about starting on such a negative note but there you go...

I'd like to know whether anyone has been in a similar position to mine and made it out the other side. I'm feeling totally at a loss as to what to do at the moment.

My 'D'H and I have been together for 10 years and have a 8mo baby. He's had a number of flings in the time we've been together - 3 that I know of, but I would be surprised if there hadn't been others. When I say 'fling', I don't think he's actually had physical sex with any of these women, but has had phone sex, what I would consider emotional relationships, and has kissed at least 2 of them.

The first (a long-distance phone thing) I found out about shortly before we got married. I hit the roof, threatened to leave and came very close to calling the wedding off. Of course, he made excuses, cut contact and vowed that it would never happen again.

The 2nd, which happened much more recently, was a much more involved affair with someone in his workplace. This really cut me up as he refused for a long time to cut contact with the woman, I found out after he'd promised not to see her again socially that he'd been out for dinner with her; he wanted her and I to become 'friends'. Urgh. A mess. I got through it with counselling and medication; he vowed it wouldn't happen again.

After this incident he agreed (reluctantly) to go for couples counselling - in retrospect I should have really insisted on this but in the event other things got in the way (I unexpectedly got pregnant; he got made redundant; a closefriend died...) and it got forgotten about.

A few weeks ago I found out that, again, he'd kissed a woman from his workplace on a night out. I just don't know how I feel about things anymore. I confronted hm about it immediately, got an apology and this time he has agreed that there is 'something wrong with him', that he loves me and ds and doesn't want to lose us, and he has arranged to go for counselling himself. The problem is, part of me feels like it's too late. I have been hurt by him so many times - just reading the stuff I've written above makes me feel like I've been taken totally for a mug - and at the moment I don't see how I can have any trust in him and I've lost respect for him. To the point where anything he says or does now grates on my nerves and I just feel like snapping at him.

Rationally, I would like to think we could make things work - largely for the sake of DS, also for financial reasons and also because I know that there have been good times in the past. I'm just worried that I don't love him anymore and might not be able to rebuild things.

Don't want to drip-feed but I'm aware this is a long post and DS has jut woken (!). A few other details - I've been treated long-term for depression and anxiety in the past and have also had PND following the birth of DS (who was and is a high-needs baby), so my mental state might be clouding my judgement...

I'd really welcome any advice and support - esp from anyone who's been through similar. Please go easy though - I'm a bit fragile atm. Thanks.

It's not your job to rebuild, it's the person doing the damage. Even then, you are not obliged to cooperate. You may or may not be being taken for a ride but your willingness to forgive and move on on the strength of a quick 'sorry' has certainly been interpreted by him over the years as acceptance of his behaviour. He therefore has no incentive to change and blithely carries on while you seem to only be able to get through life with medication and counselling. This is all wrong.

My feeling is that your mental health and wellbeing would be instantly improved if you didn't have this man in your life, regularly smashing your confidence and making you miserable. Your DS won't thank you for putting up with crap for his sake and no amount of money is worth living in a relationship where you're always looking over your shoulder and being treated as 'OK until something better comes along'

BTW... yes, he had sex with them.

He is a serial adulterer and after each fling, you have taken him back without him taking full responsibility, working on his issues or investing in you and the marriage.

No wonder he thinks he can continue to take the piss out of you

No wonder you are suffering from poor mental wellbeing - your self esteem must have taken a right battering thanks to this man's selfishness and arrogance.

I don't usually say this on here but I really would cut your losses and focus on moving on and rebuilding your own life with your DC.

Of course you can't trust him - anyone would be a fool to trust a man who's repeatedly proved that he's untrustworthy.

he has agreed that there is 'something wrong with him' There's nothing wrong with him that a penisectomy won't cure.

What's to respect? The man's a pathetic dick-led twunt bigging himself up with ow at your expense.

He doesn't want to lose us Subtext: he doesn't want to leave his current cushy billet until he's found another mug to move in with and deceive.

He loves me and ds in which case he'll have no problem falling on his sword and moving out to give you time and space to consider your feelings for him while he attempts to change his spots by means of counselling.

He's gambled with your marriage long enough. This time the odds aren't in his favour and it's down to him to prove that he respects you enough to give up his philandering ways once and for all, but I won't be putting any money on him becoming a reformed character in this lifetime.

I'm not surprised that anything he says or does grates on your nerves - your feelings are ones of contempt for a man whose behaviour has been, and remains, contemptible.

FWIW, I fully concur with Cogitos opinion that he's had his leg over sex with ow.

The affairs you've mentioned are the ones you've discovered and I suspect that your h's closet would prove to be a treasure trove for a collector of bones.

Ok, thanks for your opinions. I'm going to have to do some serious thinking. Leaving seems like such a massive, terrifying step...

Yes you can build trust again.....it takes a long time and a lot of hard work. My STBXH had 3 affairs, i left him after the 3rd as i realised that, even though he had come close to loosing me and the 3 DC before, he hadn't changed - and he probably never would and I knew that i DIDN'T deserve to be treated like that. Leaving someone is massive and a huge, terrifying step, but you can do it - I did and I am a much happier person and so are my 3 children. Good luck to you xx

Thanks, Lovemy3kids. It's good to hear a positive story- good for you. I am exhausted even thinking about this.

"your willingness to forgive and move on on the strength of a quick 'sorry' has certainly been interpreted by him over the years as acceptance of his behaviour. He therefore has no incentive to change and blithely carries on while you seem to only be able to get through life with medication and counselling. This is all wrong."

Yup. It is time to get very, very angry. Be prepared to live without him and MEAN IT.

If he loves you, he will know he has hit the limit.

And he had sex with them, if they were even alone together. Don't kid yourself. Since when, does stuff stop at kissing?

Oh dear Sounds familiar OP. Been there - am still dealing with the repercussions. Not sure if it is possible yet but we are both trying - I swing from one extreme to the other atm. Good luck with whatever you decide.