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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Been 10 months since i found out..

25 replies

kilmuir · 15/07/2012 23:26

about my Dh meeting a woman he met on a married affair website.they had sex Found a pic she had sent him of her in bed in a sexy pose etc.
We are tryingagain, but today I feel really angry and upset again. He has been working away for a few weeks sonot really spoke in depth to him.
Coming up for our wedding anniversary, he is keen we go out for a meal, but I am not feeling I can be bothered!
Is it normal to feel thisway months later..?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 23:42

Months later? Years later, to be honest.

Is he worth it?

kilmuir · 15/07/2012 23:45

Not sure if he is worth it. I am hoping our relationship is.

OP posts:
kilmuir · 15/07/2012 23:48

Do you think i will still feel this way years later? Blimey I hope not.
I seem to have zero confidence in myself at the moment. He came with me to take our DD to taster session in school and ifelt he was looking at all the younger, slimmer mums. Not even sure he was, my mind was in overdrive

OP posts:
doinmummy · 15/07/2012 23:49

I'm sure that it is perfectly normal to feel up and down.

Unless you both discuss it fully and maybe with the help of a counsellor/mediator then I think it will be harder to move forward.

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 23:50

The relationship can't be worth it if he isn't.

He should be doing whatever it takes to stop you feeling vulnerable right now. Does he realise how much damage he's done?

izzyizin · 16/07/2012 00:13

I'm at a loss to understand how you can separate your relationship from the man.

When choosing to commit adultery, he chose to destroy your trust in him and your confidence in yourself.

I have no doubt you will eventually regain your confidence but it's doubtful that you will ever fully regain your trust in him.

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/07/2012 08:17

Morning Kil,

What has our Husband said/done as to the why's and wherefores for doing this?
what has he been doing since as in being open to all your questions about her the sex, where and when?

If none of this has been done or at least very little, then you could be on a hiding to nothing and a lot of mistrust and resentment. If you are insecure about yourself, was you like this before he did what he did? if yes either way, work on you hun regardless of how you feel about him, then if or when it goes pear shaped, you will be in a better place mentally.

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/07/2012 08:18

Soor in advance the y on my keyboard doesnt work most of the time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2012 09:18

"Is it normal to feel thisway months later..?"

Yes, and it will get worse. Once the initial shock wears off and once you get past the relief that you're still married and there is still a relationship, that's the point at which you can have a good hard look at what you're left with. In your case a man you can't trust and total lack of self-confidence. I think you've sold yourself short and I think you do as well.

sternface · 16/07/2012 10:06

There's not enough information in your posts to say whether these feelings are to be expected and certainly not enough to say that they will get worse.

It depends on what you've both learned about the infidelity and why it happened - and what work your partner especially has done to change the behaviours and attitudes that allowed his actions. It also depends on why you chose to stay in your marriage despite what happened.

IME it is especially difficult to forgive an affair when a partner actively sought it out like your husband did, as opposed to a partner who got too close to a colleague or friend. The latter is often more a case of blurred boundaries, whereas seeking a woman from an affairs website is a more calculated and definite decision.

However, lots of marriages survive infidelity and there is often tremendous growth both in the marriage and for the couple as individuals, but only if they are prepared to do the work and only if they are staying in the marriage for the right reasons.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2012 10:25

"certainly not enough to say that they will get worse."

Yes there is. If the OP is 10 months in and the feelings are getting worse. it means the original problem is clearly unresolved and the husband has not regained her trust. The longer things go on unresolved, the more miserable and worthless the OP will feel.

kilmuir · 16/07/2012 10:44

We do talk but its me that is not keen to open up. Do not want to make myself vulnerable again.
You are right I need to work on me and my self esteem

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2012 11:11

This is the problem with relationships post affair. Where once you shared everything and could wear your heart on your sleeve, the reality of living with someone that you cannot trust to respect your feelings is that you throw up barriers. You will harden your heart and keep him at an emotional arms' length rather than ever let him be in a position to shatter you again. You will never feel truly comfortable with him again because... as you're discovering... you will always be questioning his motives, wondering if you can trust him, not believing the 'I love yous' and very reluctant to bring up the million questions you still have about the other woman for fear of finding out something you don't want to hear. All normal and nothing you can really do about it. It's whether you want to spend the next 20, 30, 40 years feeling the same way. I didn't.

catwalker · 16/07/2012 13:47

Kilmuir - speaking as someone who is almost 2.5 years post discovery I am not surprised you feel like this at 10 months. I agree with what others have said that, once the initial emotions wear off (relief that you both want to stay together, that the ow is off the scene, the excitement of rediscovering each other etc etc) things do tend to take a bit of a downward turn.
I think emotionally I have only recently settled down and have stopped tormenting myself with thoughts of what happened. Maybe it's because there's enough distance between that period in our lives and now. I also feel I've accepted, sadly, that the man I love could do this to me and that our relationship will always bear the scar. But in many ways it has made us both look more carefully at our relationship.

My dh was completely, unreservedly horrified at what he had done, did not love the ow and has done everything in his power to help me get over what happened. He has been totally open and never once tried to transfer any blame to me. I think if you feel your dh is not behaving in a similar way then your relationship will struggle. If he is then you may just stand a chance.

Good luck

kilmuir · 16/07/2012 16:37

Thanks ladies.
My DH has never blamed me for his actions, he knows he is 100 percent responsible. We had grown apart and rather than discussing our relationship he looked elsewhere.
He says he never set out to hurt me, which I laughed at.
Some days I feel I want to hurt him and other days I want tocry.

OP posts:
RightFedUp · 16/07/2012 19:50

I'm coming up to a year since my DH told me about his affair. I have horrible days/weeks too. There are still days when I want to take a baseball bat to the pair of them. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to make yourself vulnerable again too.
We are having the 'anniversaries' of significant days and I can see it's getting better over time.
I seem to say this in every post but I couldn't have come this far without the excellent counselling we both had and which DH continues to have. It did loads for my self esteem and my own 'stuff' generally. I think you have to be picky about getting a good therapist though.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2012 20:13

If you'd grown apart before he had the affair maybe you're just continuing that process? The affair distracted you for a short time but, now the dust has settled, you realise you don't like him that much after all....

sternface · 16/07/2012 20:18

I think what sometimes happens on threads like this is that posters whose choice about whether to continue their relationship was taken out of their hands, reframe the decision as being theirs and are therefore pessimistic about whether any relationship can recover after an affair.

No relationship can survive without both partners wanting it to and without both being willing to work towards not just its survival, but life being even better than before, both as a couple and as individuals. Kilmuir your posts are quite brief and so I'd still say it's difficult to give advice without knowing what's been happening for the past 10 months i.e. whether he's been to therapy, whether he's read anything, whether you've been to couples counselling, what changes you've made to your lives as individuals and as a couple.

It's not unusual at all for someone in your position to be feeling vulnerable and unsure after only 10 months and it's not necessarily a portent of doom, but whether that lasts or gets worse depends on the work that has been put in thus far.

oldfatandtired1 · 16/07/2012 20:43

kilmuir i don't want to out myself - but 12 years ago (yes, 12! years!) - my H started to cheat on me after 13 years of marriage. He turned into a serial shagger who got away with it 'because he could'. What I'm trying to say is - if he can say why he did what he did and he's trying to sort things out - maybe give him a chance. If everything's about you - get rid. 12 years on I am finally divorcing. I wish I hadn't wasted my time . . .

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2012 05:55

@sternface.... and I think what sometimes happens on threads like this is that people who have demeaned themselves, kidded themselves, swallowed their pride and taken back a cheat into their lives try to justify their own decision that the relationship has not simply survived but become even better.....

RightFedUp · 17/07/2012 07:45

I haven't demeaned myself or kidded myself. I have swallowed my pride but then it was the kind of pride that wasn't the same as self respect-which I feel I have plenty of. I didn't take him back to justify my decision and in some ways my relationship is better.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you Cogito but it is your particular view and you are entitled to it. Women who come on this board are often in a very vulnerable state. You present your own view as if it's the god's own truth - in the third person rather than from your own point of view - as what happened to you. Without saying you had no choice about things because you were left, the women you are trying to help get a very skewed version of your truth.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2012 08:07

Women are in a vulnerable state, in shock, angry and often clutching at straws. I know because I've been that woman. There's big pressure that they have to take the man back at all costs, that they'd be letting down the family if they didn't, a huge sense of obligation to keep the marriage going, a fear of admitting it's a failure.... wanting everything to be OK and back to normal. This is precisely the point at which they need someone to say they don't have to do any of those things, even if they only reach that decision a few months down the track. Look how many wish they'd kicked the cheating swine out earlier.

Glad I'm entitled to my view Hmm

cpots · 17/07/2012 08:50

Cognito, I agree, everyone is entitled to their own views and everyone will have different experiences so those views will be different and all valid!

OP I have been where you are, I tried for almost 12 months. As others have said the key to success, I think, is if you are both trying. I was and on hindsight ExH wasn't!

However, about 6 months in, I decided that I would try everything I could do so save my marriage, protect the DC etc, and I did BUT I knew in my head that one day, when I'd tried everything it would work or it wouldn't. My lightbulb moment came in the middle of the night when yet again I couldn't sleep!

I knew then I would never trust him again, I would always worry what he was up to, where he was, who who he was with and I'd had enough. I'd also been a bit clever, in amongst the tears and upset and anger, and knew at that point I would never look back on that year and regret anything ... I would never lose a moments sleep thinking, if only I'd done that or tried that it 'might' have worked out.

I've never looked back ... it has been incredibly difficult at times but trying to save something where the trust had been broken was even more difficult IYSWIM.

I'm now in a great relationship with no trust issues whatsoever and that is worth so, so much in a partnership; there is no comparison to the way I felt then and the way I do now!

A very hard journey and I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

MadAboutHotChoc · 17/07/2012 09:13

I have been there and my marriage is surviving (and no, I did not demean or kid myself).

However most of the hard work has come from him and he has done a lot of work on himself in addressing his issues and personality flaws.

OP - can you tell us what has been/is being done to help your marriage recover?

sternface · 17/07/2012 11:33

It's very important that anyone - man or woman - is honest with themselves about why they want to stay in their marriage after an affair is discovered and to ensure that their decisions are not disproportionately affected by the ties that bind and other personal issues such as pride and ego. Then they need to make a decision based on their partner's actions after discovery, not their words.

However, not everyone is a 'cheating swine' in the sense that this defines them as a person. There are many people for whom this was a once-in-a-lifetime terrible mistake that was deeply regretted and will never be repeated. These are the people who deserve to be forgiven, but only if they are willing to work on the factors that led them to make those mistakes.

It's also a great opportunity for their partners to re-define their own lives, get the relationships they really want and to focus on the things that make them happy as individuals and not just within the relationship.

Couples who approach it this way are not demeaning or kidding themselves. On the contrary, their decisions are often far clearer-sighted than before when there was blind trust and complacency that despite being fallible human beings, they weren't capable of making mistakes.

If people's only experiences of infidelity are of men who weren't willing to make those changes, or of men engaged in long-term deceits towards their partners and one's own collusion in that, then this will inevitably colour opinions and advice, but not all men and women are like that and not every infidelity follows those two patterns.

Often after infidelity, the focus is on the relationship and/or the person who has broken the trust, but it's as important to concentrate on the person who was faithful and his/her response to it. Some people 'lose themselves' whether they remain in the relationship or not, but others approach it differently and choose experiences that build and reinforce their esteem, rejecting those that come from a desire to hurt oneself and others.

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