I need help with my confidence...

[ScarletLadyOfTheNight01]

Right, I've been working up to posting this for a while, I'll try and be as thorough as I can, but be prepared for possible drip-feeding if I can't remember everything.

I've been with my DH for nearly 5 years, married for nearly 2 and we have a DD (19 months). Before I was with my DH I was with my ex for 8 years, and these are the only relationships I've had (I'm 28, got with my ex at 15). My ex was an arsehole, treated me like shit and would often disappear for days on end to take drugs and be a general arsehole.

The problem I'm having now, is I tend to be very needy and controlling towards my DH. I really don't mean to be, I don't want to be the sort of wife who nags him when he's out, or is on his case and wants to know where he is all the time. I love my DH and trust him as well as I can with the issues I have. He's great to me and DD. HE moved to my hometown to be with me and even took my name when we married...not exactly the sort of behaviour of someone who's going to leave at the first opportunity.

BUT...for some reason if he ever goes out, I literally sit at home waiting for him to come back...if he's any later than he says he'll be I start getting twitchy...I start calling and texting him...and it frustrates him as it makes him think I don't trust him. I become passive aggressive about it and make him feel bad without meaning to...I HATE it...

He spends most of his time at home (he's looking for work after being laid off), and does more than his fair share at home, so I really have no reason to be annoyed if he wants to go out and socialise...I also don't have any reason to get annoyed if he stays out a little later than he says he will. He keeps in touch and I KNOW I'm being unreasonable about it but I don't know how to change. He really does try to put my mind at rest. He's not out a lot, maybe once a week round a friend's house, if that. (Obviously he goes out of the house more than that, he's not under house arrest...I just mean for socialising).

I feel like I'm suffocating him...He keeps saying I should get out more and have nights out with friends etc, but I don't feel like I can and I don't know why...

There probably is more, but I think that's enough for now, I just don't know what to do...I hate being like this.

You know your behaviour is destructive but you can't seem to stop yourself? I think doing some counselling or CBT might help you stop repeating this pattern. It would also show your dh that you're making efforts to change.

Could you try to get out as a couple more as well?

I think it's a shame to spend so much time freaking out and worrying when it sounds like you have all the building blocks for a really nice life together. If you think/know you are being unreasonable, then it really is down to you to do some work on yourself.

I know it's down to me...I just don't know where to start!

We do go out together...I just feel anxious a lot of the time. I'm terrified of being left on my own (in a relationship sense, I can cope being on my own as a parent etc)...which is silly as DH has given me no reason to think that's going to happen. I can understand some of the anxiety form my previous relationship, but I thought I'd be over it by now. Would a GP be a place to start for possible counselling? I didn't think this was something the doctor could deal with.

Scarlet: there is a saying: the thing you are most afraid of, you have already survived.

Maybe you need to go back to the time when arsehole destroyed you and relive that pain properly. Becuase you lived it and are still here. It didn't kill you!

And yes: your challenge now is to go out w your friends. Make yourself, and ejoy it.

You seem to have too much time on your hands to worry and wonder where DP is.

Why don't you find something else to do during the day rather than 'going out' with friends, which doesn't occupy your brain (afterwards though it does at the time).

Can you look at working partime, employing a childminder/babysitter?

Your GP can refer you for counselling or CBT. There'd likely be a waiting time, but it should be free on the NHS. You don't necessarily just get over this stuff with time - sometimes you need a little helping hand, a new way of looking at things, retraining your brain a bit.

If you can afford it, you could look at Relate (they don't just do couple counselling but would see you on your own) or look for a counsellor through BACP.

We are skint unfortunately and both looking for work.

I've recently been approached to join a business with a couple of women who want my skills (I do general hair related craftery) which has given me a massive boost, along with a possibly exciting opportunity, so hopefully that will help and give me something to do.

I really struggle at making friends. When me and my ex split up, he made me out to be evil (I was having affairs left right and centre apparently) as I moved away and wasn't around to defend myself...we are now back in the area my ex lives (my home-town).

I'm aware that anyone who was my true friend and who knows me wouldn't think badly of me, but I worry about having to explain myself all the time. I suck at making friends generally, I'm a bit of a weirdo and don't like mainstream things that most girls like (I know that sounds silly). I struggle to find people on my wavelength and don't like letting my guard down.

God I'm painting a right picture of myself here aren't I? [hides]