Why am I still being hurt by these 'friends'?

[perhapsIexpecttoomuch]

You know when there is something you really want to say to people in real life but doing so will just cause untold problems so you don't but it just really gets to you and you just need to get it off your chest? That's what this post is.

I have spent 6 years trying to make friends in the place we live. After one hell of a lot of effort, I can now say that I have a circle of 'friends'. By that I mean people I can go out with occasionally or have round for a coffee or call on for the occasional after school pick up and vice versa. One was even what I'd call a really close friend until a recent falling out (that's another story altogether).

In the time I have lived here, I have gone out of my way to open my home to these people. I've held summer parties, Christmas drinks parties, Halloween parties, spontaneous last minute 'just come round for a BBQ' affairs, after school get togethers for their millions of children, dinner parties and countless others.

In all that time, we have been invited to one person's birthday party, one person has had a BBQ and 2 bon fire night parties and one other has had a BBQ once. The rest have never done anything. They've probably invited me to have a cup of coffee at their house less than five times in six years. They always assume that if the kids are going to play together after school, that it will be at our house. They never offer to have us at theres. In fact their children even come up and say: can I come to your house? And the parents never say: don't be rude, you can't invite yourself. They simply stand back and wait for me to invite them. I stopped that about four months ago when I decided I was sick to my back teeth of always being the one to deal with the carnage and mess.

We're now moving - for countless reasons but the complete lack of reciprocation of friendship is part of it. We feel as though we have spent so much time making the effort yet never get anything in return. Despite knowing this and having lived with it for six years, it still hurts like mad.

We held a farewell party because patently know one was going to throw one for us and we felt it would be sad to leave without doing it one last time. They know full well that it is our last week here. Not one of them has asked what we're doing after the kids break up or if we'd like to get together so the kids can have a final play or offer to have us over at there house as ours is going to be full of packing boxes. They don't suggest let's go for a drink together to say goodbye.

I understand that perhaps they've already moved on. Perhaps they feel snubbed that we've moving out of the area. Perhaps they genuinely don't like us. But if they don't, they certainly feel comfortable helping themselves to our hospitality.

I don't know why this is upsetting me - I've known this about them for ages now (hence the move) but now that crunch time has come, it's amazingly hurtful that after all this time of spending time together they quite obviously just don't give a shit. In fact one of them even said the reason they'll miss us is because they won't have access to our garden anymore (they have a garden too).

Anyway, thanks for reading if you have got to the end of this long post. I just needed to say it and to lift the feeling of melancholy that I have

We were probably 'the friends' to someone similar to you op and sorry

One set of friends was always holding bbqs, parties etc and we always went, even though I have social anxiety and would rather chew my own arm off. Always took something, always thanked them etc etc.

Never reciprocated in terms of parties - my house simply isn't big enough and also I can't bear the thought of lots of people in it.

Happy to do coffee and play dates though, they usually always end up here and I'm fine about that, the mess doesn't bother me. But a proper lavish party or bbq - no chance, couldnt cope with the anxiety.

This 'friend' of ours did say something once about 'people I only see when I host a party' (subtle eh?!) and we're not friends now. I simply can't reciprocate in that way.

Completely agree with Random - it's a roles thing, and people assume you are happy as the instigator/party holder. I have been guilty of what your "friends" are doing, but it doesn't mean anything bad.

Hope you have more luck in your new place!

Can I just say, it's also possible that they're just not really that bothered about meeting up, but that they agree to be sociable/kind/whatever.

My antenatal group would have (should have!) drifted apart long ago but hasn't because of one lady who is very persistent about arranging meet ups and evenings out for us all. I get the impression that of the four of us, the other two ladies feel the same way that I do (i.e. not that fussed about meeting up) but this one lady keeps organising things. She also makes the occasional catty comment about how it's someone else's turn to meet up. She doesn't seem to have picked up on the fact that no one does as no one really wants to meet up.

Sometimes a person who does a lot of hosting can be seen as a sort of "Queen Bee." I tend to host more in one particular group of friends as we all have DCs and I have more space. And I prefer people coming to me than going to theirs. But I do worry that they will think I am trying to Queen it, to organise them, to take over . . . all/any of those. They don't think that actually (I know because, worried, I've asked). But other people might.

But what's most likely is that they have got used to coming to yours. Did you never have friendships as a child where, for no discernible reason, you always played at the home of one of you, and practically never at the other one's house? It's probably just like that.

I know someone in my social circle who always has a party at New Year. And I know someone who always has a party for fireworks night. We tend to do something at Christmas. Perhaps if someone else, say, announced they were having a New Year's Party this year it would be seen as "treading on toes." So they don't, and they think this is definitely NOT being rude. Yet the people who host every year might be heartily sick of it and wish that someone else would do it, like you do.

I am for the way you are feeling, I am not trying to minimise it . . . I am just trying to comfort you and say that they are possibly not as rude or uncaring as you think.

Hi Expect - I wish I had a fraction of your get up and go.

Is your house bigger posher or smarter than the others? Does your H earn more money?

I just say this because when a person has more energy and organisation skills than you, it does make you feel a bit inadequate and think 'oh I could never do an evening like that/they would never like my pit'. It is distorted thinking but it does happen.
Instead they happily tow along on your energy not thinking about it.

It could be that as nobody asked or expected you to put yourself out so much, they just presumed that you enjoyed doing so. Hence they'll take up the offers but not feel obliged to recipricate?

What the last few posters said.

I'm not very social. If someone I liked organised a bbq I'd probably go. And I'd always assume they did it because they enjoyed hosting, not in anticipation of reciprocation.

I would rather eat my own arm than host a social occasion of any kind.

And I must add to my post that I would NEVER have the confidence to host a party.

Also I went to a social gathering with a new group of friends recently - the first time I have been to any of their houses. This lady's house was pristine - so incredibly clean and tidy, furniture modern and fashionable, not a weed in the garden. I think I decided then and there that there is no way I can have them all to mine - what would they think of my dusty old shit pit, which until last week I was quite proud of.

I hear what all of you are saying about the roles and other people not wanting to socialise. And you may be right. But for me, I don't know how you initiate and maintain a friendship unless someone suggests getting together - whether that's an after school playdate or a casual bbq or a evening at a pub together. And if I just sat back and waited for them to offer, I'd not have had any company at all for six years. I'm not a social butterfly - just want some adult company from time to time.

It's not just the hosting. I helped one of the friends organise her wedding (which she was trying to do on a budget). I gave her special pre-wedding gifts with a card - nothing expensive, just funny little presents that had meaning to them - not because I wanted something back, but because that's what friends do. I offered to look after their children so they could spend a couple of nights away together (and I did). I invited them to our house for Christmas to join our family as they were going to be on their own. I could go on.

I have had nothing at all in return. I'm not asking for tit for tat or gifts or babysitting. Just some sign that they believe we are friends too, some thoughtfulness. And it's become increasingly apparent that what I thought was friendship was actually just a one way thing. Now that we're leaving and they seem to really not care much, it just reinforces it.

Thanks to those who wish me better luck in my new location. I have already had more positive signs, with the mums at the new school swapping numbers before we've even moved there and offering to meet up over summer. (And for the record, the lack of friendship really isn't the only reason we're moving but it certainly is a big factor).

Really pleased they seem more friendly in your new area OP :) Good luck!

Poor you. Ignore the criticism, I'm sure you are not trying to control anyone or buy friends. Hope you have more luck next time.

Thank you Angelico and Accuracy.

Perhaps You can come and move up here rural South Yorkshire) - you would be made far more welcome. Quite frankly I am surprised at some of the unfriendly answers you have had on this thread.

You don't come across as controlling at all BTW. I would come to one of your parties, and although we don't hold parties we love having friends round (by this I mean real friends)

They used you, you allowed it. You gave friendship, they took. They didn't think as much of you as you did them. Do you have low self esteem? You need to slow down with the inviting people over when you move.

Don't lower your standards OP. There are lovely people in the world and you deserve to find them. It's not all about entertaining and the cost of it. My friend and I have met together for lunch because I had a loaf and she had some jam. It was all we had but the DCs had fun playing together and we made the best of things. Now that's a real friend. Hope you find some soon.

You are coming over as a bit intense and exhausting. As others have said, some people hate the idea of hosting stuff. I was a bit nervous before my DSs first playdate. We are friendly with our neighbours but don't socialise with them at all. My sister does with hers though, but she is much more sociable and an organiser. Maybe you should hav sat back and waited to see if they organised anything. I think in your new neighbourhood you should take it a bit slower.

Do you not have any friends outside of your neighbourhood? Old school/university friends? Work friends? Family?

I'm amazed you expected them to have a leaving party for you.

I don't think you are being unreasonable about your friends' failure to reciprocate children's playdates. That should be a shared task among groups of parents. But for the rest, I think you might be misunderstanding your friends' attitudes about socialising. It is only in some social groups and not others that these sorts of set-piece social events have a big part to play. If I am invited to these sorts of things (and it doesn't happen all that often since I am not much of a reciprocator) I go partly from a sense of duty, because I don't want to let the organiser down by spurning his/her efforts. A strongish expectation of my arranging a similar event in return would annoy me. I think there are a hard core of relatively active event organisers who just enjoy doing this sort of thing, and then there are the make-weights (like me) who just get invited to the bigger events.

Lots of people restrict their socialising just to informal schoolgate stuff and low-key nights out with groups of intimate friends.

Completely agree with Random - it's a roles thing, and people assume you are happy as the instigator/party holder. I have been guilty of what your "friends" are doing, but it doesn't mean anything bad.

I would agree-I don't host parties it just isn't my thing. I would just take it slower next time, do what suits you without expectations.

I totally agree it's about roles - and I think you shouldn't be focusing so much on reciprocal invitations - it's not a healthy attitude (for your own sake!).

DH and I do a lot of hosting - nothing fancy pants, but we always have a NYE party, we have big informal dinners and invite whoever, and don't much mind who turns up, that sort of thing - and, thinking about it now, rarely get invitations back. Doesn't bother me in the slightest - I only care about people rocking up to eat my food and drink my boozes .

In our case I think it's partly because we're the longest-established couple in our group of pals (we live in East London and most folks our age are still feckless hipsters or only just settling down), so it seems natural that we do this stuff.

Anyway. Don't take it to heart. If they didn't like you they wouldn't come! Hope things are friendlier in your new area but do try not to be so aware of how much you're doing for people...it won't end well.

Personally, as I live in the home counties and grew up in the SE ( in a working class area), it seems that you have clung onto one group of people "who just weren't that into you". People in the SE tend to be very time poor, hence booking playdates in advance. I have 3 children, and it can be very hardto casually fit things in around the activities the others have, and sometimes we just like to spend time alone together.
The group you have trying to be part of, may not really be a group, maybe they are a couple of friends, and then some acquaintances.
Okay a story, when my eldest was tiny, I made a friend at toddlers. She used to invite me around with another couple of Mums. Now I did occasionally invite those other Mums to things, but they weren't my friends. One I still chat to occasionally if I bump into her, the other I actually avoid as I find her a bit weird, the original Mum moved away.

In your new place I would suggest you do lots of things to meet new people. Socialise with those who you meet through your kids, and through your own hobbies.

Actually it could be because I was never "popular" at school that I would never expect for example someone to through me a leaving party (something I've only ever known happen for one family).

God, I'm probably one of your friends! I don't do a lot of entertaining because:

a) Our house has been going through a steady stream of building work and renovation for the last seven years

b) Our entertaining areas are just not that big. The people who do a lot of entertaining round here are lucky enough to live in big open plan spaces with huge gardens, and shit loads of toys for the kids. We simply don't live like that, so having lots of people here at one time I find v stressful. I like to feel that everyone is relaxed, but if they have to hover awkwardly with nowhere to sit down etc it makes me feel tense

c) I am a bit anal about my house so I prefer to not have it trashed by huge nos of other dcs. Last time we had a big social gathering, a boy smashed one of the very old panes in one of our Georgian windows! By the way, being a bit anal does not make me a boring, controlling person. I just take a lot of pride in our house which has cost us considerable amts to do up, and a lot of time at weekends etc.

d) I work and study so the thought of inviting all the mums over and sitting around drinking coffees all day just doesn't enter my head space.

That said, we DO entertain, quite a bit in fact - several times month at least, but in small groups. The max I'll have for dinner is 8 as that's all we can get round the table, but we do have people over for supper quite reglarly. In the summer we might have up to ten adults over for a barbecue / outdoor meal. I do a lot of playdates, and we have guests for the weekend about two or three times a year.

It's just big parties and gatherings that I neither have the space nor the energy to do. I'm aware that we might be seen as 'takers' so we try to organise ourselves to have people over, but we'll never be big entertainers. I just hope that people love us for how we are!