emotionally blackmailing parents

[Lulu1984]

Since we had our DD and got married we've had a lot of issues with my parents, my mum especially. It has also made me realsie that they have always treated me in an odd way compared to my bro who can do no wrong.
I keep getting told how depressed and upset my mum is and how I'm not living up to her ideals of a perfect family, eg we don't go to their house several nights for tea and spend every weekend with them.
My mum has digs at me whenever she can (when no one else is around to listen) and I know lies to the rest of my family to make it look like I don't care about her. They now barely talk to me.
The emotional blackmail is really getting to me as I've always been the kind of person who likes to keep everyone happy. Its starting to drain me, get me down and I end up taking my mood out on DD and DH which isn't fair.
My DH won't see them anymore as he can't stand the way they treat me. I can't avoid seeing them as I work with my mum and she is my childcare for 2 days during the week.

I can't stand it any longer but can't afford to lose my job or free childcare. I really don't know what to do

The fact that you are someone who always likes to keep people happy probably has a lot to do with having a mother who demanded that you keep her happy!

The fact that your and your mother's lives are so enmeshed is a real problem when she is trying to control you. You need to sort out ways to pull away, whether that be another job, other forms of childcare, whatever. It's hard, and it might be financially crippling, if only in the short term, but right now you are being emotionally crippled and that's just not on.

I know its something I will have to do. It will be hard to do and I know they will accuse me of being ungrateful and selfish and I also think it will result in me being cut of from my whole family which is why I'm finding it so hard to do

My Mum tries this sort of shit (to a lesser extent though) and it really pisses me off too so I sympathise. She was especially like this when I'd just had DS. She can be quite overbearing and she used to sigh a lot about how she never sees DS- she always has and still sees him at least once a week. I don't think she would be happy unless we lived there TBH. Is your Mum bored? My Mum is retired (she is only 56) but doesn't have any interests or do voluntary work so she gets bored and tries to make my DS her life which is quite frustrating as me and DH work full time and we don't see much of him either. Don't rise to her digs, ignore them as hard as it is and definately don't let her have her own way by trying to make you feel guilty into visiting more just be breezy about it and say you are very busy and will see her soon. Also find an alternative for your childcare (nursery for example) and just say you want DD to get more "socialised with others".

I don't think she's bored as she has friends and hobbies, I think she has an idea we should revolve round her as she is now a nan.
I think that's what she wants, us to live with her! She hates my DH as he won't indulge her and will tell her if she's being unreasonable. I know she's hoping to split us up as she feels we'd move in with her then.
She also does the oh we never see you, has even told family that. She tried telling my bro she didn't see us at christmas when in fact we saw her xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day
I'm going to start DD at preschool mext year when we get the free hrs but can't afford to at the moment.

You could be really evil and tell her that if you and your DH ever split up you'd be moving to the other side of the country. She'd be doing her best to make to make sure you stay together then!!!

But seriously, not an expert on this, but have read others on here talking about family members having 'roles'. It sounds as though your DBro is the golden child, and you might be the scapegoat or perhaps the one that's supposed to run around and be everything for everyone? (Whatever that role may be!) In that case, noone in the family will be happy with you upsetting your DM because they have all learned to function with that dynamic, and are comfortable with it.

Hopefully someone who has more knowledge on this will come along soon.

Obviously in the medium - long term you need to be looking at alternative childcare and perhaps a career change. If you work out what you want to do about these areas and start working towards them, hopefully you'll feel less trapped.

In terms of how to deal with her whilst the situation remains the same, I'm not an expert but I'd start with trying to get some counselling for yourself and in the meantime get some books out of the local library on assertiveness.

You don't need to listen to her when she is saying things that make you feel bad. You can walk away. I know that's difficult because I'm a people pleaser too and you feel like its rude, but its not - its protecting yourself which is important.

You could reflect her comments back at her, acknowledging her feelings but without accepting responsiblity for them. i.e:

NSDM: We never see you and DGC.
You: You wish you could see us more even though you look after him twice a week.
NSDM: Yes
You: That's nice.
NSDM: So will you come around this weekend?
You: No. (or No, we have plans. if you really can't stand no as a complete sentence!)

NSDM to DB: We never saw Lulu and DGC at Christmas
DB: Oh that's awful.
You: (laugh) Mum you obviously can't get enough of us, we were round Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day!

Stick to the facts. Her feelings are not your responsibility. The rest of your family may well have a reasonable idea of how manipulative she is and don't believe what she says, I'd try to build up a relationship with them seperate from her. If they challenge you on any of her rubbish then stick to the facts about the situation (like with the visits over Christmas) and say that its a shame mother feels like that (but don't say anything that suggests its your responsibility to change how she feels).

Obviously if they try to say it is your responsibility to make your mum feel better then maybe they aren't good for you either.

My parents both suffered from (at the time undiagnosed) depression when I was growing up. I also felt/feel responsible for making them happy and am a people pleaser. Its difficult to break out from that role. But you really can't make her happy, it just destroys your own peace of mind to take on that responsibility.

Your DH sounds rather sensible realising how awful they are, maybe he can help support you in either reducing contact or in trying to minimise its affect on you.

OP, I can relate to your story. Quite a number of years ago, I realised that my mother was always trying to make me feel guilty, until one day I turned around and shouted at her "Stop trying to make me feel guilty!!!"

Since that time she has been far more subtle in her guilt trips, and there are times when I catch myself feeling guilty and realising that its my mother's voice that is producing the guilt. Have you ever thought that perhaps you can decide not to feel the guilt that they are putting you through? This has been a revelation to me in more recent times, and often I have to stop myself and remind myself that I am feeling the guilt that my mother put on me, and that there is no need for it.

Hope that helps.

I think I would benefit from counselling its just finding someone to look after DD whilst I go.

The job I'm doing now is a career change which I started after mat leave as its more flexible. I'm also still studying within this field which may make it hard to get another job until i've finished, which will hopefuly be within 1 year.

Looking long term, once I finish my course my DD will also have three childcare for part of the week so I may have to wait until this point to make a break from this part of the situation.

I really dont know what she says to the rest of the family but they definitely behave differently around me, and not a single one has asked how I am or if any of what she says is true! A lot of the lies she tells we aren't around for so its only if someone mentions us we get a chance to defend ourselves. We only knew what they said about xmas as SIL defended us and told us afterwards. She has also been on the receiving end of all this!!

I do try telling myself I've done nothing wrong but every now and then I really start to doubt myself which I know is what they want. Whenever I try and mention it they act like i'm being over sensitive or can't see what they've done wrong.

My DH has been amazing and is trying to help me distance myself from them, though this is hard when our lives are so entangled at the moment. He constantly reminds me we haven't done anything to deliberately upset. I just get so stressed before situations where Im going to see them. I cried after our holiday as I knew I'd have to go back to reality and deal with them again.

I feel the only way to get away from this is to move to another area and just see them a few times over the year. This then makes me angry as we've done nothing wrong and all our friends and DH family are here.