It's hard - how to help? (long!)

[NotTheMamma]

Very long-time lurker, a rare poster.

DS2 and DiL, mid-20's, one lovely child (4), together from teenage years, always had a volatile relationship. Things have been building recently and have now reached crisis point, and it looks like it may be over. There have been crisis points before but this one seems more final.

All very sad, really. I have no doubt that they love each other dearly but neither of them really know what they want and they have got into some patterns in their relationship that are difficult for them to break and they've both said some stupid things in anger and hurt.

I don't want to take sides or judge.

DS staying with me for a couple of days and then working away for quite a while (previously planned). No idea what will happen after that as we haven't had a conversation about it, but he has responsiblities to his child and I will be making it clear that he needs to meet those. DiL has no family and she's been part of my life for many years and I am the closest she's got to a mum - she's in the house with GC, and is a bundle of emotions, but she's holding it together.

I've made it clear (to them both) that I will be there for them both, but that DiL actually NEEDS my support more than DS. It's going to be a hard line to walk. I could be very cross with them, but mainly I am hurting for them, and for their little one.

So, any clues as to how I handle any of this? I have encouraged DiL to seek counselling (long before now) and will support her to this end (she needs independent support and input). I can do practicals and will continue to help with childcare, shopping, cleaning etc. and I've reassured her that she will always be part of my family, for as long as she wants to be, but her heartbreak is just heartbreaking, even though I know that, if their relationship really is over, it's best to accept it, and that today's pain and sorrow will fade in time with every chance of future happiness.

Easy for me to say.

Don't have advice just wanted to say you sound like a really lovely person and your son, daughter in law and grandchild are very lucky to have your support

+1 for gingerchick's posting. I agree!

My only suggestion would be to 'put your own oxygen mask on first' NTM....so hoping you feel supported yourself, if there are difficult times ahead.

It's going to be a hard line to walk. I could be very cross with them suggests you know you might feel conflicted, and goodness knows, with the best will in the world, we cannot all give the right responses every day :)

You have already suggested independent counselling, so it doesn't 100% fall on your shoulders.

Other than that it sounds as if you have everything sorted in your mind. But if you have more doubts, or it isn't working out so well, you can sound off here.

Thanks for reading and replying.

I fear there are difficult times ahead but I do have the rock solid support of my DH who is not the father of my children but has been ever-loyal through thick and thin, and is devoted to our GC, whose best interests are very close to our hearts in all of this and we don't want to add to the stress.

DiL was very upset earlier, including with me, but she phoned later and then let me go round to give her a hug this afternoon and we both had a bit of a cry . She asked me to give her a call this evening so I'll do that soon.

I'm also worried about DS who seems to be in a completely numb and non-responsive state.

Whatever the future, it's not going to be sorted tonight, so hot bath and early bed for me.

I think both your DS and DDil need counselling, independently and as a couple.

I agree with what others have said, that you sound like a fab person! I would add that YOU need to line up some external support for yourself, so that you don't get overwhelmed by all of this. You are taking on a very caring role, in a very tricky situation and it will be emotionally draining on you.