How to break up with him without causing too much pain.

[hatecausingpain]

I have been with DP for eight years, but don't want to anymore as I don't really love him.
I broke up with him last year, and then got back with him after a few months. All along, I have been confused about my feelings, and I didn't really know how I really felt about him. On one hand, he is a really nice, kind, caring man, and has been there for me..always. On the other hand, he is lazy, unmotivated and unambitious...playing computer games all the time when not working.

I don't have any children with him, but have come to a stage where I would like children (I am 32, and feel my body clock is ticking) but I just can't visualise having children with him. I just forsee so many problems ahead, including his lack of motivation, and reliance on me to be breadwinner etc.

I can't live like this anymore, and feel my spirit being pulled down to the pits. Last time, i was on the venge of depression.. I guess in reaction to the situation.

I feel very guilty about wanting to break up with him, as he is a nice person generally, and is also quite vulnerable. We are just not compatible on many levels.
I also feel guilty that when I broke up with him, he was absolutely heartbroken, and in lots of pain. We were apart for about 6 months, and within that time, he met a woman with a baby, and they had moved in together, and were trying for a baby. So I do feel guilty that I took him away from that when we decided to have another go at the relationship. I care a lot for him, and how do I break up with him without causing more pain? .

I am worried that he will refuse to go, and that I am stuck with him. I have a chance to move to Canada very soon, and have just thought of making a secret plan, and just disappearing without telling him. I dread his reaction but I just want to be free with the most minimal stress...if possible.

Go west, young woman! You'll love Canada and it will be just what you need to lift your spirits.

Make your plans, buy the plane ticket, and tell him a week or so before you go.

He was so gutted he met someone else pdq? Are you having a laugh? Leave. You don't need to worry about his feelings. He will find someone else no bother.

Have a nice life in Canada.

hmm, it was cruel to that woman (and him to some extent) who moved in with him and trying for a baby!! not that it was ridiculiusly quick for him to move on. He does sound weak and vulnerable and unable to stand on hids two feet, but I'm sorry for her. You should tell him, it's another cruelty to just disappear, poor bloke can topple himself for all you know.

not tat it was not*

If I was childless and had the chance to start over with a new beginning I would make my plans and leave.

You can't stay around incase he topples himself, have you posted a different thread about this? I feel like the posters before me know something I don't?

I think just disappearing like that would actually be despicable and cowardly.

You can't stop his hurt, but you can at least dignify the situation with honesty.

I think it's horrible just to disappear. You've been with him 8 years, however little respect you have for him, you must have some sneaking affection for him.

Tell him now that it's not working and that you're thinking of moving to Canada. Be gentle with him and with yourself.

Disappearing without telling him would be a really awful thing to do.

Tell him now, tell him you may well be emigrating, tell him you're not right together.

He doesn't sound as though he was that heartbroken, does he? Did he suddenly appear more attractive to you when you knew someone else wanted him?

I guess I have thought about just walking away as the idea of breaking up with him face to face feels me with dread.
In the past, when I was trying to break up with him, he got angry, and tried to use emotional blackmail... He told me that he would cut himself, and could not live without me.

I did realise what he was doing, and did not buy into it. It makes me look more of a fool getting back with him again..doesnt it? I guess I have been able to see into all this because I have got stronger. My self-esteem has been at a low due to bereavement issues, and the fact that I am quite isolated, and did not have family nearby.
It's only now that I am realising I deserve better.
I guess on a level, I have always known as despite both of us wanting to get married, and have children, it hasn't happened in the last 8 years. Hindsight is a good thing, but I figure I have a right to be happy. My main issue is just that I don't want to cause too much pain, if it can be helped.

ImperialBlether- Its interesting you say that as his family suggested the same about him being more attractive. I don't really think he became attractive as such. I genuinely thought the relationship stood a chance, and was grieving for what used to be. I suppose the grief might have influenced my decision to get back with him. I realise now that grief can be quite complicated. Losing a crappy relationship can still have an impact ...no matter how bad it was, you still have to moan for what was, and what could have been.

don't tell him face to face - write a letter if you have to, as he's into blackmail, but still talk to him after he reads it - otherwise you'd just keep being guilty and not knowing how he felt, plus it's not fair on him. Wasn't I spot on though - I knew he's prone to self harm, if not in reality than in theory at least. No doubt that you should go, but do tell him what with him being there for 8yrs AND you stopping his other r-ship.