I want to separate but can't summon up the courage to tell him...

[MakeMineAPint]

I reaslly need some advice. I've been married to DH for nearly 9 years, together for 12, and we have a beautiful 2yr old DD. I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to be with DH anymore and want us to separate, but I just can't bring myself to say the words because I know it's going to be horrible, and he'll be completely shocked & devastated which will all be down to me. I know that I have to do it because the thought of staying together fills me with absolute dread & would be detrimental to all of us, but I keep putting it off and hoping he'll ask me what's wrong so I can come out with it.

So please, tell me how you managed it. DH is a good man, he's not violent, doesn't get drunk etc etc, but I've fallen out of love with him plain & simple.

Also posting in divorce/separation...

Before you throw in the towel, I would suggest you seek joint counselling with Relate or similar to see if the love you once had for him can be rekindled and, if not, so that he will have time to adjust to the idea of you leaving.

Is there a specific reason that you've fallen out of love with him such as a more attractive prospect elsewhere, an ambition that you wish to fulfil but can't while you're living with him, or is it just a case of familiarity breeding boredom and contempt?

Thanks izzyizin, I've thought about suggesting counselling before, and feel I owe it to my DD to give it a try. I'm not overly confident it'll make a difference as I feel things have gone beyond the point of no return, but as you say, it'll give him time to adjust to the idea.

There's noone else on the scene, although at one point there nearly was, but I came to my senses and put a stop to it.

Are you a sahm? Do you get childfree time away from home with your dh, date nights/restaurants/weekends away etc?

Could it be that what you're feeling, or not as the case may be, for your dh is a reaction to having put away thoughts of the om - or have you not completely put those thoughts out of your mind?

The grass may look greener but give it time and it may look just as neglected as the patch you're standing on now.

Hi, I had a very similar situation, although no we didn't have any DC. I'd been married 5 years and simply wasn't in love with my DH any more. He was a wonderful man: kind, loving, generous, really just a lovely, lovely guy but I just didn't want to be married to him anymore and, like you, the thought of staying with him filled me with absolute dread. I started hoping he'd have an affair or just do something, anything that would "justify" me leaving him as I knew both our families would be upset if we split up and I just couldn't bring myself to do it!

So in the end I just made myself do it. I kept fart arsing around but knew it just had to be done, so one day when I got home from work and he was already home, I just told him. Completey out of the blue, with no warning for the poor guy but i knew if I didn't just do it, I never would. So I just said, as soon as I got in the house, that we needed to talk, then told him I wanted a divorce. He was so shocked and even now, years later, I wonder if I could have done it better but I don't think there's any way I could have made it easier. I can tell you that although it was a horrible horrible few months getting everything sorted and telling out family and friends, the relief I felt for having finally done it was immense and now, years on, I'm happy and so is he (he remarried some years ago and as far as I'm aware, is very happy with his DW).

So I guess my advice is just do it. If you know you don't want to be with him any more, don't waste any more of your lives living a lie. Just tell him. It's hard, but you can do it. Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide.

I work part time and despite feeling guilty(!) I really enjoy it. I do get childfree time but not usually with my dh, although we are going to a party next weekend just the 2 of us so we shall see.

I do still think of the om, but I think things with him were a result of how I was feeling about dh rather than the other way round. I miss him but know that if he was back on the scene things would be even more complicated than they already are. I'm so confused by how I'm feeling, but I need space to work out what's going on in my head and I don't think I can do that while we share a house. If I didn't have dd my gut would tell me to run for the hills, but I owe it to her to try to sort things out even if that means we end up apart.

Thanks Vinomcstephens, you're absolutely right. I'm still not sure how this will end but I've got to talk to him before I do something I'll regret. I'm already treating him like sh1t in the hope he'll walk out on me, but I think he's burying his head in the sand so I've got to do it myself.

Well....stop treating him like shit and do the right thing and be honest.

I am on your side OP - no-one should remain in a relationship they don't want to be in.

However, treating him like shit in the hope he'll ditch you is nasty and cowardly. YOU are the one who wants out...so why is HE being treated like shit?? Why is he being punished?

Zip up your man suit and do what needs to be done, without playing silly nasty games.

pictish I appreciate your frank reply. I will do this and I will stop playing games.

It's a horrible thing to have to do but once its done, it is done.
I remember coming down the stairs and the words just came out:
"I can't do this anymore."
I remember exdh wasn't surprised. Upset yes, surprised no.
If you are sure, then be brave and be gentle.

I'm glad to hear that. Very good luck with it all....I think Canada will be great! x

thankyou

I know this post is 7 years old, but I wondered if anyone had a good outcome? I’m now in the same position and so confused.

@Mumof4wonders I suggest that you start your own thread you'll get more responses but yes, I had a good outcome from getting the courage to tell my then H that it was over. I won't lie, it was pretty hard for 6 months but now several years later I'm very happy, the kids are happy and XH seems as happy as he ever is (he's miserable by nature which was a huge part of our problems).