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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He is taking the p***

23 replies

Admiraltea · 15/07/2012 10:47

I divorced him 7 years ago...very long story...3dc's
The last 7 years he has been very non compliant with any financial obligations...I knew for a year or so that he was not paying the correct amount but as we were getting regular money I made the decision to not fight the issue as was under court order and I'm not eligible for legal aid.

Then last year he chose to stop paying anything as he didn't feel like it. So I contacted CSA and they swung into gear....very very helpful BTW.

He thought CSA was also optional so they ended up with attachment of earnings...all arrears were paid by Jan.

Meanwhile I have paid loads to a solicitor to try and get any payments for months before CSA. CSA had to break the court order they cannot deal with missed payments from before as are due under the original terms of divorce and it took a while to get the legel stuff sorted.

Then he lands on my doorstep 1st April crying saying he's lost his job. So I took the decision to not proceed with court case ref arrears as no chance he will be liable with no job or money.

Redundancy I presume ended last month so no money this month...all very predictable.. no communication from him at all over past 3 months though has seen kids regularly. Rang CSA they're doing all they can to find out what's going on.

So on Friday he turns up....handwritten bit of paper brought to me by one of the kids saying he and partner are taking them to France next Friday for a couple of weeks..shuttle, night stopover..and a random address of where they'll be. Had mentioned possible holiday months ago but zero communication since re dates etc so assumed wasn't going.

So I turned into a raging harpy and have screamed at him that they are not going as he is a selfish shit and and needs to take care of what he owes...he says he has no income get over it.

I am assuming he has inheritance/savings/mummy paying but in his eyes that is completely irrelevant...I chose to divorce him and now I just steal his money.

I have resisted the urge to continue the row, dd1 babysat for my sis fri night and was rabbiting on about this weekend they are planning for this really exciting holiday.

I have their passports!

I know what I should do ...let them go...but all my "It's not fair" genes are screaming at me!!!

They are back 6pm today and I just want them away from him so I can rip his stupid head off see WTF he is up to.

Help me with a really cunning plan please... I am so angry I am making no sense.

OP posts:

lolaflores · 15/07/2012 11:26

So he is still not working yes? BUt can take kids to France, financed by whom? don't deny the kids a chance for a break with their dad. Let them go but in the meantime say report him to the DSS for suprious reasons.
Is that horrible of me?

lolaflores · 15/07/2012 11:27

By the way, he sounds like a prize cunt

MrsTomHardy · 15/07/2012 12:02

He does sound like a complete knob but then again most ex's are!!

I understand your frustration, i have been there many times myself but i think the dc should go on this trip if they want too as if u stop them going you will be seen as the bad person!

ecclesvet · 15/07/2012 12:08

Do you need passports to go to France?

izzyizin · 15/07/2012 12:16

Equip the dc with a list of goodies you'd like them to bring back from France such as a new wardrobe of clothes for them and a shedload of gifts for you.

lolaflores · 15/07/2012 12:16

ecclesvet, yes you do. You need passports for lots of places.

lolaflores · 15/07/2012 12:18

izzyin thats a great idea. not alot you can do if he is promising the kids good times and sunshine. don't worry, they will still love you and hopefully whinge and fight lots and lots so he won't enjoy a second of it.

funchum8am · 15/07/2012 12:20

You may not have your passport checked going into France but you WILL have it checked if you want to come back to the UK!

Jux · 15/07/2012 12:23

You could report him anonymously querying his benefits, as he appears to be living beyond his means, and is taking his 3 children abroad on holiday etc etc. it would be very mean of you to do that.......

WelshMoth · 15/07/2012 12:24

Let them go OP. It'll be them you're hurting otherwise.

Not sure how to advise you on the other. Hopefully someone with a bit of expertise will be along shortly, to help you get some fairness from this complete piss-taker.

Original poster

Admiraltea · 15/07/2012 14:06

Thank you for all your responses...I will let them go but need to make him sweat a bit first..

Am fairly certain he will not be on benefits as will not have occured to him that he is like poor people... still in the big detached with 4x4 porsche...though kids say has muttered about selling it.

Partner has her own house that she rents out and his mum is very big on bailing him out...he's over 40!!!!

He is of the opinion that all the money he gives me is wasted on things like paying a mortgage or updating kitchen...

Before CSA he used to deduct the price of shoes from the maintenance if he had bought them a pair on his weekend. Don't think they'll be getting many presents.

So so happy I divorced him...only wasted 16 years!!

And the kids are amazing, very bright and look like him...so I get to keep all the bits I fell in love with and the selfish arsehole is just a constant sodding irritation.

Can't anyone think of a way to get him lost in France or something...maybe I could sign him up to the foreign legion????

OP posts:

izzyizin · 15/07/2012 15:09

I think he may have to go to Algeria for that...

Just fill the dcs' heads with thoughts of all the wonderfully stylish clothes they can buy in France and make sure they travel light

izzyizin · 15/07/2012 15:14

And on the basis that he's bound to do a booze stop at one of the big hypermarkets on their return journey, make sure the dc take a list of essential French food to fill your larder/fridge bring home for you their many pals to try

Offred · 15/07/2012 15:33

He has given you a week's notice of a two week holiday by note with no discussion?! Jeez what a bastard. I honestly don't know what I'd do with that...

Offred · 15/07/2012 15:37

If it were my children who are 7 and 5 and only see xp for an hour a week then I'd never let them go in that situation, they'd by frightened! But if the children are older and they spend lots of time with him I suppose you have no choice but to let them go providing they aren't missing out on anything unexpectedly but that is very disrespectful to you and I'd be expecting a proper face to face discussion before they went.

lolaflores · 15/07/2012 17:15

Yeah, drink, it is the only balm for this.

Original poster

Admiraltea · 15/07/2012 17:54

Thanks again...sense of humour failure here...stopped crying.. will start drinking soon..just looking at 12 year old car that failed MOT sat am (not too bad will get fixed Tues) but has also developed bizarre leak through front passenger floor that fills foot-well with 2cm water when driving through last few weeks mega rain.

He didn't rate me much when we were married TBH.. I went back to work FT after 12 weeks when he was still a student.. and his mum paid for him to go on a 2 week holiday with his dad as he looked a bit tired!

OP posts:

Original poster

Admiraltea · 15/07/2012 18:02

Kids back...just sent text saying " no way are they going"

Sit back

wait for fallout

(didn't say that to kids though...they are choosing filllings for jacket potatoes..always back home with no tea!)

OP posts:

Offred · 15/07/2012 18:07

I think if he can't manage to feed them or discuss a trip like an adult how can he manage to take them away? However, you must not stop them going for arbitrary reasons of anger. You need to think about what is best for them. If they are not going to be in any danger and will have a good time and all that has happened is he is being a dick to you then I don't think you should stop them going although you need to sort out his scumbaggy approach towards you. I would want, as I said, a proper adult conversation where he asked if it was alright and you explained your concerns about the timeframe etc:

Original poster

Admiraltea · 15/07/2012 18:19

Thanks Offred...though after 23 years communication is fairly well shot.. we met when he was 18 and I was at Uni so he really has never grown up...and until divorce was convinced he was always going to win at everything...women are just there ..arrogant is middle name..though I was bowled over by what I saw as confidence.

And he is ex public school so plenty of friends with same attitude!

As my ex MIL is fond of saying ..."Admiraltea...your only problem is you're just not grateful."

OP posts:

Offred · 15/07/2012 18:20

How utterly infuriating!!!

Offred · 15/07/2012 18:21

Would it help to go to mediation where an objective onlooker might indicate to him where his attitude was less than helpful!

MikeLitoris · 15/07/2012 18:28

You have my complete sympathies OP.

My dc came home from their dads recently with a note saying

'no money this week, we've spent a bomb on our wedding. Also wont be haing kids for next 2 weeks as will be honeymoon in ibiza the day after.

Ps. Make sure ds has his hair cut by the wedding ffs'

Fuck off was my reply. Cheeky twat.

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