the whole sorry tale...

[XBohoChickX]

ok i started a thread earlier today highlighting nerves about meeting a man through online dating-i didnt meet him but i feel i need to write down whats been happening the last 12 months as the thread this morning was only half the story...

ok well i have posted before about my ex partner who has been abusive in the past once physically and mentally,well theres no going back because its over and i ended up having an emotional affair with someone he worked with who i had the most intense crush on .

the om has really wrecked my head i cant see the wood from the trees ,after exchanging over 1000 messages he asked to meet me ,for coffee so i did and we talked and when we sat in the car he kissed me .

anyways ex partner had a snoop around my phone and found a pic om had sent me and went ape and left om a voice mail saying if he didnt leave me alone he was going to rearrange his face.

next day om texts ex to say dont hurt me my x wife has tried to kill herself
om also had a gf he met od the same time as he was talking to me .

anyways we dont talk any more but i suppose i think about om more than i should.

we did try to work our relationship out after it came out about om ex was very attentive couldnt do enough for me but my heart just wasnt in it.

so i went to a solicitor to see my rights about getting ex to leave and basically i have none we live in a ha property and his name is on the lease we have a child together with mld .
solicitor says he has to sign lease over to myself which isnt a problem with the ha he just doesnt want to do it and no one can force his hand and the solicitor has dropped the case .

i have considered going private to find somewhere to live but as presently dont work i need a guarantor and have no one to do this.ive seen the housing options team who have placed me as band e for rehousing im looking at 10 yr wait.

ive tried to change my life a bit in spite of things i recently did a confidence building course which helped a little.
im trying to get into college to retrain but ive been rejected twice for courses which is a bit crap and dont know where to go from here really.

my two best friends have recently met really nice men and i dont see them as much any more .

sorry for the essay
any advice appreciated

Hi Boho
It sounds like the last thing you need in your life is any more men, virtual or real!
If you want to move out and get your own place then you will need to be proactive. You will need money so you either need to earn it or borrow it. Would your family help? Could you stay with any of them? Can you get another job?

For heavens sake don't stay with your ex or have an affair with a serial cheat just because you are afraid to go it alone. It would be much better for you to stand on your own feet and learn to enjoy your own company for a while.

You can take him to court and make him take his name off, that's what I had to do with my ex

The other man is a waste of time so don't give him another thought.
You sound as if you are doing the right things. Applying for courses etc. Keep going. couldn't understand the housing situation but I'm sure someone else will be able to help yoiu with suggestions. Good luck.

ginger don't think op name is on it. Solely in her dp name

Sure it would be worth going to the housing people and talking to them I know that they told me that they always prioritíse the woman and children in this situation and they could give you advice. Other than that take care of yourself things will get better I know it doesn't seem like it but I promise you. Been on my own 3 years best thing I ever did

He's got a housing association property in his sole name to which the OP has no rights whatsoever,ginger.

No Court will order him to vacate the property unless he's in serious rent arrears, in which case should he be evicted the property will be allocated to needy family which will not necessarily be the OP.

When posting here you're best advised to stay on the same thread as it has room for 1000 responses Boho, and those who respond get to read the backstory while you have all of the advice and support you need available to you in one post.

It seems as if you're trying to find another man to rescue you from your current relationship and if that's the case, you could be waiting a very long time only to find that you're out of the frying pan into the fire.

If you're homeless you're local authority will have a statutory obligation to provide you and your dc with accomodation. This may take the form of B&B, hostel, or other temporary accomodation until such as time as a permanent property becomes available.

Do you have sufficient money to rent privately?

Is your name on the tenancy too or just his? Can you evidence you have lived there for over 2 years?
If he is abusive then that is cause for you to leave and present as homeless. You need evidence of abuse however to avoid intentionally homeless decision. Police reference numbers etc?
Otherwise it's a matter of saving saving saving until you can afford to rent privately.
Benefits wise, you can claim tax credits as a single parent if you declare that although you live together, you are completely separated. For this you have to live separate lives- finances, sleeping arrangements, everything. But that might bring you a little extra income to save.

Lock on
Your phone?

my name is not on the tenancy as a joint tenant i am down as an occupant.
he was violent once about 3 years ago but i didnt report it to the police.
since then its more emotionally abusive but he has stopped due to me wanting him out.

evidence i have lived there is not a problem but he has to want to change the lease to my name only and is reluctant to do do and has said he will leave when he is offered a flat.

the housing officer told him if/when the lease is changed to me i can get the police to remove him from the house which is why he wont do it.
solicitor has told me he has boxed clever and if i leave he stands to get a 3 bedroom house .

my daughter is settled here and we have moved 6 times in 10years .
she has mild autism and doesnt respond well to change.
i cannot stay with family due to there being no room.
i could save money sure,but most landlords will not accept dss with out
guarantor.

Are you saying that the property was allocated to both of you based on your joint housing needs as a couple with dc and that if you leave he'll be living in an underoccupied 3-bed house

Would the HA have a word with him to the effect that if you leave he won't be entitled to occupy the property and that they will have no obligation to house him as a single man, or words to that effect?

I'd try and do my best to get him out. Solicitor, ha, whatever I takes.

But, moving might be best if nothing else works.
Ultimately it might be best for your children too.

And personally, I'd not openly date until this is sorted one way or the other. If nothing else because you are in a vulnerable position and frame of mind.