Alone and sad, need to ramble a bit.
I instigated a split with ex-h almost 2 years ago after many years of unhappiness. We had been together almost 20 years. The first few years were good but then after 6 years together we lost our first daughter when she was just a baby. It was so traumatic and our lives just fell apart. I got counselling which helped me, he threw himself into his work. But from that point on it was like the metal shutters came down between us and nothing was the same again. We eventually had two more healthy children and I had more counselling, eventually got my shit together and sorted my head out about it all, but I never felt close to him again. He withdrew, would go to work, come home, put the kids to bed and absorbed himself in computer games on the internet (I was a SAHM). It was like our relationship ceased to exist and I was just a housekeeper, there was still occasional sex but minimal foreplay and little to no cuddling during the day. I tried hard to fix it, I found babysitters, encouraged him to go out for the odd meal together but unless I organised it it never happened and it just felt like he wasn't interested. In 8 years of having our children we only went away for the night twice and only because I pushed for it, organised the childcare, found the hotel. I asked him to take me to Florence for a long weekend for our 10 year wedding anniversary but that never happened.
Eventually after more counselling (he would not even come to one session with me) I came to the conclusion that this relationship was not giving me what I needed and never would, I felt like I had tried enough and enough was enough, I deserved some happiness, the catalyst was when he had to work away from home for a week at a time and I realised what when he was away I was relaxed and happy and when he came back I felt uptight and stifled...he could also be very critical, something I noticed my son was beginning to imitate.
After many months of deliberation I sat him down one evening and explained we had to split up and there was no other option as I felt I had tried my hardest and felt he would never change and it was probably wrong of me to expect him to. I had tried hard to overcome my own issues through the counselling. He was devastated, begged me to do counselling, I agreed but only because he was so upset. Inside, I was so angry after many years of being unappreciated. So counselling at that point was a waste of time.
We separated and a month later I plunged into a rebound relationship but this only lasted a couple of months.
Three or four months later I had doubts about my decision, after all we had managed many years together and it had all started off so well. When I asked him to reconsider counselling his reply was that he had got his head around us separating and didn't want to have to go through all of that hurt again, he was angry that I was saying this after he had got himself to this point.
I was still too angry with him to beg so I left it. Also he had written me two cards not long after the separation. On re-reading them it occurred to me that he had written about "wanting" and "desiring me" but he did not mention love once. Not once. He would drop comments about how desireable I was, especially after I had lost weight with all the stress - but not once did he tell me how much he loved me and how much I meant to him - it was more about how much he needed me.
Anyway...this all happened while we were living abroad. A year after the separation began we returned to the UK and again I asked him to see Relate and to at least try and fix things. I asked him three times. He refused. I saw a solicitor and began the divorce process, divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour. Even after this I asked him again to reconsider but his argument was he didn't want to confuse the kids.
Now the divorce is about to be finalised and I feel so so sad. I feel guilty and responsible because I initiated everything - but at so many times I gave him the chance to try and fix things and he refused, so surely if I had meant anything to him he'd have agreed? Too late now but I'll always wonder.
End of novel. Thanks for listening :)