Everything I know is gone!

[cantbelievethisisreal]

I have namechanged.

Earlier this week, my dh slapped our 4 year old son (who has autism) on the face. I didn't witness this, but heard the slap and when I stepped in to question dh, he got very aggressive and punched the wardrobe and pushed it over.

I left the house with both sons and reported the inident to the police. Since then we have been staying with family.

The police didn't interview my dh until 4 days ater the incident (he admitted the above) and are not taking the matter any further.

Don't want to go into any further detail, but obviously SS are invloved. I am both mortified and terrified by this and my life as we knew it has now gone. I am not eating or sleeping well at all.

The police's response has made me feel that I over reacted... I know I didn't, a line was crossed and what would have happenned had my son gone to school and told his TA what had happenned! How could I not report it!

I would seriously be interested in other's opinions here.

You have not over reacted.
You have done an amazing job to protect your little boy.
SS will help you to ensure your childs safety during future contact with his father.

Don't want to sound as though I am protecting your dh but has he done this before?
It sounds as though he may have been under great stress if no history of violence. Not saying at all that it was acceptable and have never been in your position but if my dh did anything similar, whilst I would have also been as shocked, I may also have wondered how he was too?

He hasn't hit before... but he doesn't cope well with the stress that having a child with Autism brings and has got into a temper before about ds's behaviour.

He believes I should be tougher on ds, whilst at the same time not really wanting to get involved in any courses/seminars etc that I go on to educate myself which a view to helping ds.

Poor DH. Poor you. Poor DS.

What a hard situation for all of you.

FWIW I think the police were very sensible. Let it go, OP.

Am inclined to agree with kahlua4me.To me,and this is difficult to judge,without being you actually,I would probably have said well you have done it once,but no more.
Obviously it is not acceptable once,but a very big mistake can be made by a person,hugely regretted and never repeated.
He sounds like he is under stress,and I am also wondering if he has really accepted that your DS has autism.Hence the not going to courses/seminars himself.And perhaps he feels demeaned by your DS?
What is the emotional state of your DH now?
Very sorry for what has happened to you and your DS.

You very definitely did not over react and please be reassured that you did the right thing in reporting the incident to the police as it was, and is, the only action available to you to protect your ds from his f.

The length of time the police took to interview your h is disappointing but hopefully it will have been brought home to him that, although no action other than notifying SS has been taken on this occasion, he may find himself facing a different outcome if he strikes your ds again.

Given your h's beliefs about raising an autistic child, he needs to attend an anger management course before turning his mind to making a study of the appropriate parenting which can enhance his ds's life.

Has your h given any undertaking to you in respect of controlling his violent behaviour? Hitting your ds caused unacceptable pain and distress for him which were not alleviated by his f's subsequent display of fisticuffs with an inanimate object.

Do you want to return to the marital home? Would you feel easier about this prospect if your h left to live elsewhere on a temporary, or permanent, basis?

IMO there is only one line to be taken in respect of child abuse and that is the hard one because it is NEVER acceptable to hit or otherwise physically abuse a child.

If your h pulls out the old chestnut of stress, remind him that he was at liberty to leave the house and go slap an another adult male around the face instead of striking his 4yo ds.

If this is how he behaves to your ds when you are present, I would have serious concern about him being left in sole charge of his son.

Oh my love, that must have been really scary for DS & for you :(

However, I would not let one mistake (providing DH understands that this is not acceptable & is sorry) break the family up. We all do things we regret don't we?!

What has DH said?

I would be prepared to move back & resume family life if he committed to attending courses/seminars with you and open up about his feelings re the autism etc A lot of fathers take longer than a lot of mothers to come to terms with this dx and what it actually means - which of course means they are unable to moderate their expectations of the child. Autism is hard on everyone in the family - he needs to engage with it, not deny it.

Best wishes
x

Thank you everyone...

As you would expect I am in turmoil, and would agree that this is sad situation for us all, but I can't forgive DH at this moment, the trust has been broken.

I think we both need some time apart and he needs to get some help with his anger management, and to understand how Autism affects his son and also understand that our lives will be different to the one we envisaged, since he was born.

Ds has some very challenging behaviour so we all need to keep things calm when managing him. Despite the police action, SS won't let me take the children back home whilst dh is there anyway.

How is DH reacting to all of this - what has he done/said?

He definitely needs to understand autism & his son - this is now his reality whether he likes it or not and he needs to face up to that - sharpish.

I don't think that SS will maintain much of an interest. He slapped a 4 year old once - sadly they have far far worse situations on their hands. I am actually surprised that they have said you can't take DS home while DH is there when you consider the terrible situations a lot of children are in with SS knowledge.

Anyway, that's a bit of an aside really isn't it - practically, what are you going to do? Surely it would make sense for DH to go and stay elsewhere and you and the children go home?!

You have done the right thing. Striking a child is not acceptable, and you were brilliant in acting decisively and immediately.

Your H is free to change, or free not to change - that's up to him. But you have proven to yourself, your children, and SS that you will do what it takes to protect your children. You can be proud of yourself.

DH is feeling sorry for himself!

I informed him today via email that he needs to find alternative living arrangements quickly, as the children need to be in their home, especially ds with Autism as he is bouncing off the walls with all the change. His reply suggests he is more worried about where he will live, than with the well being of his son!

I do not have the luxury of feeling sorry for myself, I am trying to deal with a very distraught, confused and unhappy ds due to the fact that he has been taken away from home, which is all he has ever known.

I'm trying to focus on getting through one day at a time, it's all I can do.

What does this reaction of his tell you?

That I absolutely did the right thing!

I really don't know what the future holds for our marriage, and at the moment I don't even care, but I refuse to put his needs before those of my children.

After a really testing day with ds, I am just too exhausted to give him any sympathy.

You are a wonderful mother.

I cannot believe people are making excuses for a man that would hit a four year old SN child across the face wtaf!?

You have done exactly the right thing OP, there is NO excuse for his behaviour and it sounds like this is the last straw. I don't give a shit how 'stressed' he is, how on earth does that it any way excuse his behaviour? As someone upthread said, it's interesting that he chose a defenceless child to take out his temper on, and not a grown adult who could fight back.

His reaction when you confronted him says it all. If he had reacted in the heat of the moment he would have been genuinely devastated with himself and would NOT have continued to frighten and bully his wife and child.

His selfish behaviour since also says a lot. He doesn't sound concerned about the effect on his son at all, just bothered about how it affects him. MASSIVE red flags!!

My son has ASD and is nearly 4 and the thought of his father slapping him and losing his temper in front of him makes my blood run cold.

Poor you.

I'm another one for saying you have done exactly the right thing OP and I'm sure in hindsight there were other factors working away.

Him slapping his child is totally unacceptable and the people that think it is should have a good look at themselves and their lives.

Sometimes it's bloody hard to do the absolute right thing but you have and that will give you strength.

Yes, he has to make other arrangements so you can move back to your and your childrens home.