Should i tackle my mum?

[hardtosleep]

Namechanged for this.

I'm struggling to cope with the way my mum is towards me at the moment.

She came to see me yesterday and laid into me twice:

Once about how i have detached from her & don't communicate with her.
The second about how i'm selfish to not call my sister to see how she and my niece are.

I found this really hard to take.

In January i lost a baby at 5 months in the PG. This was very, very grim. (I also recently lost another baby early in the PG, although to be fair my mum doesn't know about that PG at all).

Yesterday was the first time my mum had come to see me since i lost the baby in January, she spends every day monday-friday with my sister and her niece so she hasn't time to come apparently.

Whenever i ring her they are also there and she wants me to sing 'row row row the boat' etc down the phone to my niece etc when sometimes i'm having a really bad day and just trying not to cry or to be able to recieve a bit of care and support.

I have not been able to have a call just with her for months and to be honest i feel abandoned.

Likewise my sister has not rung me once since i lost the baby in January to see how am I because 'i've no idea how busy you are with a baby'. Yet apparently i'm really selfish as i don't make the effort to keep in touch.

This lecture went on and on and on.

There was also constant 'you can't do that if you want a baby' comments all bloody day like 'you can't let the dog pull you like that if you want a baby' and 'you can't go out without a mac if you want a baby' etc as if i somehow did something to hurt my baby.

I know i'm a bit down and tearful at the moment, and could probably take it in my stride normally, but its just demolished me inside.

I feel like i haven't really got a mother at the moment, or indeed anyone who cares about me and my babies (except my dh, who is wonderful)

I am supposed to be going to stay with them for a week in two weeks time. I really can't face it now. I don't know what to do. If i say something, i'll probably just be told i'm being selfish. If i don't i'm not sure i'll make it through a week up there. I just want to hide and not go.

You lost a baby in January and they haven't seen you in six months??! I am so sorry for your loss.

Are they always like this with you? Are your relationships with them always hard work?

They sound grossly insensitive and selfish tbh I would get my Dh to ring them and say could they let up on you please as you have been through a very sad time and are very down. I think they should be made aware of how you or feeling although it beggars belief they haven't worked it our for themselves by now.

Oh dear. Definitely don't go and stay. Buy some time to think about what you want, some breathing space while you gather yourself together. Deal with them when you are feeling stronger and your grief is not so raw.

I would go as far as to say you should rugby tackle her!

How utterly heartless she is.

I would write her a letter explaining everything you have told us (because face to face you may not be able to get it out or she and sister will turn the tables)

I agree with bringbacksideburns.

Get your DH to phone your mum and explain what a hard time you've had. Tell him to say that you have needed your mum and your sister around but they haven't come near. He should say you know how often she goes to your sister's house and doesn't know why she doesn't come to see you, especially when you've had such a hard time.

They have been very unkind and thoughtless.

Look, whatever you do will be wrong wont it? Whatever you say, they will call you selfish or demanding or whatever.

So you can either choose to be all these things in their eyes and also bloody miserable. Or you can choose to still be all those things in their eyes and be a hell of a lot happier because you are not with them 24/7.

As is often said about toxic families/abusive relationships, the only thing you can change is YOU. They will never see you as anything other than selfish and wrong, but you can choose to not take it. There is no rule that says that you must have contact with them and there is no rule that says that have a right to contact with you.

It seems that you are constantly contacting your mum in the hope that this time will be the time that she is kind and loving and supportive. But everytime you are disappointed. Why put yourself through that?

Dont go, dont call them and dont allow them to make you feel guilty. Would you want your future DC to have this toxic presence in their lives? to always feel second best to your neice? Thought not.

Be kind to yourself and fuck the rest of them.

I am so sorry for you loss xxx

thanks everyone,

Thanks for the replies- i think i somehow needed outside confirmation this wasn't ok.

I have read back my OP and i sound so young (i'm not) so i'm aware this is old family dynamic stuff too.

Sorry to drip feed, but to be fair to my mum, my sister is depressed, and that is why she feels she has to put all her effort into her.

In answer to questions about whether it is always like this, though, to be honest it is. Before depression there was 'she works such long hours she needs us to do everything else' and before that it was 'she's single and your not so we have to give her time' and before that 'she finds school harder than you do' etc so it is really old ground.

My DH says he can speak to them, (he has offered before ) but he also says that my mum is really unhappy and somehow she feels safe taking it out on me, and to be fair, before i lost the babies, i could take it if she wanted to let of steam by having a go.

He says this is all madness and should stop but he knows me and thinks i will regret it if anything is said (to be fair in the past whenever i've said anything i always do feel like a complete cow afterwards).

I also worry about hurting my dad if i don't go. I know he'd love to see me, and he feels very left out in the mum-sister-niece intensity too. Really i'm the only one he can talk to, and he does ring me (from work) to talk to me, so i don't want to hurt him.

'somehow she feels safe taking it out on me, and to be fair, before i lost the babies, i could take it if she wanted to let of steam by having a go.'

is what the problem is, and it is always what the problem has been. Good luck facing this, there is no way round the hurt of it. At least you have a lovely DH.

Seriously. Don't go. Why don't you arrange to meet your Dad for a bit? Or he can come and stay w you.

So sorry for your loss. What a terribly sad thing to have gone through, it must have been absolutely heartbreaking for you and DH. Have the consultants worked out what the issue is?

Abitwobblynow it seems to be an issue about bloodclots in the placenta but not really clear as of yet what can/is to be done about it. Have been getting the run around there, still not had my blood test results etc.

It is scaring me that everyone can see it is a long term issue, i somehow wanted a genius suggestion to go and cope, i'm not sure i'm brave enough/ together enough to be able to face it as an issue iyswim. It just terrifies me

So sorry for the loss of your babies,
You really need to tell your mother to back off and stop using you as a whipping boy.
So your sister has issues and by the sound of it has always been a bit useless.
Could you ask your father to come visit you instead of you having to go visit these harridans

It doesn't matter how unhappy she is. You have been through a very hard time, where are you in all this?

I can see by the history that you have put up with this again and again. Your dad is a grown man and can see you whenever he wants to.
But you don't have to be the whipping boy anymore. Your Dh should tell them you are upset. Let him do so.

How strange! Two of us used the term 'whipping boy.'

Because i see them as uncompassionate bullies. About time they considered your feelings OP.

I'm so sorry about your babies.

I really don't know how you are biting your younger tbh. I understand sometimes feeling its best not to tell about a mc. I didn't tell my dm about mine. That however was to protect her, we had just lost my dad. I can't imagine how it feels to not be able to tell her due to being in your circumstances. Arent you screaming in your head when she's talking about your sister? Do you feel strange enough to say something to her? What about your dad? No-one could blame you for letting her have it.

OP, firstly I am so sorry about your babies. You must be so hurt at the moment.

Unfortunately with families, IME, when we are low and really need them, is the time that funny family dynamics really kick in.
It sounds as if your mother and sister have a mutual dependency thing going on which has left you the role of being the 'strong one' which you have risen to admirably.

I doubt that they are going to change regardless of what may happen in your life. People don't change because we need them too- they change when the current dynamic stops working for them.

If you can, take some time out from them.
Much easier said than done as if they feel you ''slip away'' from the current arrangement which suits them, they will intensify their efforts to get you to retain your role.

Of course you need support, sympathy, cups of tea, time to cry, time to be angry.......where else can you get it? DH? Friends? Other family?