for those of you whose parents divorced when you were a child...

[juicychops]

do you think it has affected your adult relationships in any way?

I know that counsellors/therapists can stem any adult issue and problem back to a parent's divorce, and some part of this i do agree with/believe in, although not always.

ive had some pretty bad experiences in life since my teens which has shaped the person i am today. the last few days i have been thinking about all of this and trying to make sense of it all, and work out why i am the way i am, and ive started to believe it all stems from my parents getting divorced and the after effects of this.

i have always known that emotionally i am a bit messed up, but have always tried not to think too much about the bad experiences ive had. but now that i have been doing this over the last few days, it seems pretty 'easy' to find the blame for these in my parents. is this a fair judgement do you think? does divorce always cause deep routed problems for the children that they may or may not be aware of, but ultimately shapes their future possibly for the worse?

i can't help but think now that if they had stayed together none of what happened to me would of happened, and i wouldn't be messed up now the way i am. i would i still be, but perhaps in a different way?

im just sharing my thoughts here. im not looking to start counselling or anything, just trying to find answers myself

My parents split when I was 4. My mum then got with a partner I adored but then they split when I was 12. These things made me feel sad at the time but I understood relationships don't always last and I thst I would still see my parents. I don't think it has affected me in any way, I'm interested in why people feel it does affect them, if they still have a good relationship with both their parents?

I was 4 when my parents divorced. It was not pretty and I distinctly remember watching my mother break a plate over my father's head. The separation was acrimonious & continued that way for many years. Until my wedding this year it had been 10 years since they had last had so much as a conversation.

Yes it has fucked me up. 25 years on I have no conflict resolution skills. I immediately assume that one bad argument = it's over. Its also affected my self worth. If bad things happen I feel I deserve them. This was exacerbated by my mum's next couple of relationships being with childless men who didnt really "get" it & made it very clear they would prefer it if we were not around.

At 18 I found myself desperately seeking out men because I figured a relationship might fix me. All I got was a lot of one night stands. DH is only my third relationship that lasted any longer than 4 months. But he puts up with all my shit so he can't be all bad

I was 3 when my parents separated. My mother left my father because she believed my gran who told her that he was bound to be sleeping around - that all men do.

Not long after that my mother disappeared and left me to be raised by my grandmother and her twin sister - the judge gave custody to them because they were female!

I'm pretty well fucked up in relationships with women; the behaviour of these women showed me from an early age that other women cannot be trusted (my aunt especially), and that restricting myself to a small number of very close female friends (2-3) is a very good thing.

I also had a 'father figure' fixation in my late teens - mainly through spending little to no time around any men whilst growing up.

I was under 2 when my mum left my dad. We lived with my grand-parents for about 18 months until we moved in with my step-dad. My dad re-married when I was seven. I think it has shaped who I am but not necessarily had a negative impact. I have gained 5 step-sisters, 2 of whom I am very close to, closer than they are to their 'real' sisters. I had two very stable families with step siblings in both who I have grown up with as real sisters. The hardest thing I found was the 'my house, my rules' philosophy of both. This meant the boundaries completely changed depending on where I was. My mum was very keen that I did well at school whereas my dad didn't have a clue what I did there. I think I really hurt my mum in my teenage years because I just decamped to my dad's to get pissed and hang out with boys and my step sister.

That said, they have never bad-mouthed each other. My mum didn't even comment about my behaviour as a teenager, although her disapproval seeped out of her. They have never argued in front of me and it's only as I've been an adult that my mum has talked me through why he left and I can see how they weren't compatible.

They are both very laid back and easy going and have gone on to marry very strong characters. I get on really well with my step-dad and if I he has always been very supportive and good with advice about important things, like work and relationships and I would go to him before my dad in these instances.

The only issues have been my step-mum but even that is ok now. I can see that she was jealous of my relationship with my dad. He daughters didn't have contact with theirs and they saw my dad as theirs and if I got any 'special' treatment from my dad she would get angry, I know she resented my dad paying maintenance because her ex's didn't.

It was the isolation that I found hard looking back. It's weird that I've got 2 very close 'sisters' that have never met each other. I didn't have anyone else that understood what it was like to move between each family and I know both sides see their family as a 'normal' family unit but forget I have another whole family down the road.

It had been really important to me that my Ds calls all sets of grandparents the same as his (step) cousins to try and take out that divide, it's also been very important for me to have more than one child as I guess,
If it doesn't work out with DP (which I really hope it will, and have absolutely no logical
reason to think it won't) they will have each other in the same situation.

It annoys me that one particular step-sister still sees herself as a victim of a broken home. I was very lucky, I had a lot of people that cared about me and still do now. I have a massive family (albeit in 2 camps) but Ds has got loads of grandparents, aunties and cousins and it's brilliant.

I have a fantastic relationship with my mum and we have always been a little team. Please don't feel bad if you have spit with children. I think it takes time to find a way for it to work but it's completely doable. I think (as someone said further up) it would have been much more damaging if they'd stayed together and I've always thought that. I've never been dragged into disagreements and I've always felt like I was the priority to my mum and my dad even when they re-married (looking bad not sure how healthy that is for their marriages haha).

It's all I've ever known, and like I said it's had an impact but I don't think it's a bad one.

Sorry to ramble.

Do you think parents who are unhappy together might have a similar effect? Obviously I am clinging to hope here. I am riddled with guilt about divorcing my children's father but we were a seriously toxic couple. Every Saturday morning, he kept me trapped in the bedroom while he harangued me about our inadequate sex life. Not literally trapped but sort of weepy and helpless while the children tapped nervously on the door. Horrible.

It wasnt my parents divorce that messed me up (they finally split when i was 16) it was their crappy dysfunctinal relationship in the 10 years that ran up to it that gave me "issues".

Ive had counselling recently following something else, at it was at that really that I realised just how much of my bad choices stems back to feelings and behaviour I learnt during my childhood.

I am in no way placing the blame entirely on my parents, as I have personally made some spectacularly bad choices in life so far, and they were MY choices, however I do sometimes wonder if id had a more secure childhood whether I would have made different choices IFYSWIM??

Yellow Same here. My parents should have got divorced. They fucked me up by staying together. From the age of 8 I begged them to live apart.

Ironically enough, after splitting up, they managed to achieve this amicable, friendly, co-parenting relationship with the odd dig at each other thrown in that everyone says is best for the children!!

My parents divorced when I was 8 and my sisters 11 and 14. Dad took it badly but Mum never badmouthed him and made efforts to make sure we still saw him, even when we didn't really want to because he was angry and bitter. Mum took responsibility for the divorce herself - said Dad was not a bad man but that she didn't love him and never had, and should never have married him, although she was glad she did because she had us 3 and we were what she always wanted. My Dad actually was NOT an easy person to live with and as I grew up I could see exactly why she couldn't stay married to him and think she deserves a medal for sticking it out as long as she did.

My sister's first husband was very like Dad. They were married for about 4 years before my sister, miserable, ended it. My first husband was a bit like my Dad too - crashing bore, told lies tall stories, had an all-emcompassing hobby that he expected to have room made for in every relationship. Etc. (We are both remarried happily to non-Dad-like men now.)

I do wonder whether we had not had the chance to see Dad for ourselves, as older teens and young adults, and realised what a pain in the ringpiece it is to live with someone like that, that it isn't normal, and that is why we picked those blokes - because the behaviour was familiar and we thought that was what husbands were like? Or maybe we would have been more likely to pick blokes like Dad if Mum and Dad stayed together? . . . but my stepfather was a different kettle of fish and by the time I was 20 I'd seen right through him (he was very nice BTW and I loved him, just maddening ) and would never have picked someone like him.

My parents divorced when I was 15 if they'd done it 10 years earlier it would have saved everyone a lot of pain. Hut they struggled on for the sake of us even thou my brother and I begged them to split up time and time again. Father had multiple affairs mum only ended it when I saw her confront father and ran in between them as he went to hit her. I think I'm pretty healthy though my parents wre adults who made mistakes, so am I but they are my mistakes iyswim-I don't blame them or hold them responsible for any feelings I might have as a adult. The only thing it has definitely done is make me determined not to settle or ever stay for the sake of my children, it burned that and serious independence into me.

nkf, based on that story alone, I don't think you need wonder if you've done the right thing to remove such a toxic presence from their day-to-day life. Of course it isn't what you would want from your children but all you can do is make the best of the hand you've been dealt.

I'm with magic. My parents' divorce was the best thing that ever happened to my family. It was their marriage that fucked me up. Since they split, my mother is happily re
married and has a relationship that I can admire and has restored my faith in relationships as a whole.

I am certain that I would be less fucked up if they had split years earlier than they did.

nfk

Definately as you can see from a number of us here!

In my opinion, its not the ACT of the divorce that causes the problem, its the relationship between the parents that matters.

My older brother is from dads first marriage, and him and his first wife split when DB was 2. I understand that for the first 12 / 18 months it was messy (wife had an affair) but they managed to work around it for DB. Access flexible and changed to suit needs of DB and both parents work commitments. DB a part of our family, my mum was not a nasty SM, all sets of parents got on, at events together, even actual friends (not best buddies type but actually liking and respecting each other). He had difficulties with it, and I know from my parents there were difficulties and they all had sacrifices to make to make it work, but DB has come out of it well and I admire all 4 of the adults who did this for him.

My parents divorced when I was 10. I would say that it wasn't the divorce in and of itself that caused the problems, it was my mother's subsequent (and still, 33 years later) behaviour that did. She has never let an opportunity go by to bitch about my dad. It is only in the last couple of years that I and my siblings have told her very firmly that she is not to talk about him to us anymore.

Unfortunately my mother's personality is such that she has destroyed most relationships in her life, including (at various times) those with her children. Sadly she can't see that and still blames everyone else for her misfortunes.

When it came to divorcing my own first husband- a poor choice on my part, due to a yearning for a 'normal' family life- I tried to minimise the damage as much as possible. I have never bad-mouthed his father to ds1 and made the effort to tell him happy stories of our marriage and things his father is good at. No-one can say for sure how their children feel about their parents' divorce, but ds1 certainly seems, at 16, to be a happy and well-adjusted young man.

My own parents divorced when I was very young (less than a year old).

But my Mother moved on quickly and married a man she lived with for 20 years. They were both unhappy, angry people that made me and my half brothers and sisters miserable. I wish they had split years ago (they did split 2 years ago when he left her for someone else). It was horrible to grow up in a house with atmosphere. Constantly waiting for the next argument and hoping not to get caught in the middle. Awake half the night listening to them screaming and shouting at each other :(.

I do have a great relationship with my Dad and my paternal grandparents. I think thats because I see them as an escape from all of that, and my weekly visits were the best time for me. I hated going back and I remember feeling so miserable on the drive back. I have grown up to have a better relationship with my Mum, but its not been easy and its still strained at times.

From Yellowraincoat:
I don't think it's divorce specifically that fucks kids up so much as it is bad and disrespectful relations between parents.

This, and allowing children to see such behaviour, or involving them in it. My parents never divorced, but were always on the verge of it, and my brother and I were often scapegoated. I've spent most of my adult life struggling in relationships where I've tolerated awful behaviour (and probably behaved awfully too) because I didn't know that I could expect better.

I don't 'blame' my parents, though I know that my experiences shaped who I am. I am responsible for my own choices, and after a particularly nasty relationship have sought help to find out why I made them and how I can do things differently.

I have a stepdaughter from a previous relationship, whose parents split up when she was 8. She has had low self esteem, but has developed a strong sense of self-worth, and a very healthy attitude in and towards relationships. She's completely opposite to her Dad in that respect (those are her words, not my bitterness, btw), but I do think she's learned from seeing what he's like. Had her parents stayed together, and she'd grown up thinking it was ok, I don't know if she'd have grown up as well rounded.

So then, can i ask this question. My DP and I are in the process of splitting up. There are no other people involved, we just dont love each other anymore. There have been very few arguments since the split, and we are still living together at the moment. When he moves out i intend to still have a 'family meal' at least once a week, and that him and i will remain friends.

Im terrified of fucking my DD up by splitting up, (she is 3) but im hoping that due to the above stated plans it will be ok. What do you think?

I understand that even the best layed plans can fall through, and even if me and her dad get on like a house on fire, there is still going to be a period of financial difficulty, but im hoping that the fallout from this is minimum.

nkf Don't feel guilty, from what you have posted on this thread it looks like you absolutely did the right thing.

I think staying together in a relationship like you've described would cause more damage than getting divorced. You mention the DC tapping nervously on the door - they must be so relieved not to have to worry and feel nervous any more. You are setting the best possible example by putting an end to the way your ex was treating you.

My parents also divorced when I was 12 (why is this so common) as my dad left to start a new family. My mum was very good and never spoke badly about him, but was left to support us (with minimum maintenance), pay the mortgage etc., and I was vile to her, I wish she was still around so I could apologise. Even now at my advanced years it is hard to go to my dad's house and see loads of pictures of his 'new' kids but none of us(me and bro) or indeed our kids. It is as though my stepmother would really rather wish we had never existed, and while she has always been 'dutiful' that comes across in all relations with that part of the family; a bit like being unwanted 'add ons' that came with a computer game. My kids have picked up on it of course. Also once upon a time my stepmother met my mum, my mum said, 'what about the effect this will have on my children'? and my stepmother's answer was 'I don't give a fuck'. When there was that Natwest glitch recently and we were left without food for the weekend, I phoned her, and she 'what do you 'at me....it was horrible. I do have good chats on skype with my dad which is something. Actually I am totally fucked up about this, although I do realise that other people have so much worse stories. Should I just let it all go and move on?

My parents got divorced and I don't think it has affected me negatively at all.
And I haven't had any 'fucked up' relationships. All my relartionships have been totally loving and fine.
I don't feel that their divorce affected me negatively.
So no, I don't agree with "I know that counsellors/therapists can stem any adult issue and problem back to a parent's divorce, and some part of this i do agree with."
I am having counselling at th moment. My counsellor agreed , when I attributed some of my feelings , to the anger, of maybe/possibly finding out that you were going to have a disabled child, and then realising that your life was not going to turn out the way you had planned/hoped. Neither of us are attributing any of my problems, to my parents divorce.

Also to add to my earlier post - I agree that is is usually disinterested step parents that cause damage. Moving from your family home to a home with a SP who not only has their own rules and way of living (so it doesn't feel like home), and in my case then being critical, disinterested and self interested and favouring her own children, is damaging. Particularly when your own parent is an enabler and doesn't support you or notice your distress.

And yes obviously agree it's how your parents are before during and after the divorce. If they are emotionally intelligent so know all the things you will need and love you unconditionally, I am sure it is possible to come out unscathed.

My parents split up when I was about 10 I think (I have no memory for dates and times, just for events). They didn't actually divorce until I was 16 due to custody issues..... Mum was sure Dad would 'fight' for me in court.....
I had no awareness that they had problems up until the day my Mum told me we wouldn't go back to our house after a holiday with my Grandparents but would move into a different house without my Dad. Unfortunately for my Mum she was trying to break ti me gently and chose to tell me it wa because my Dad needed peace and quiet to write music - cue me thinking it was all my fault.
I was a rarity among my school friends and there was all sorts of angst that then went on - my Mum was terrified my Dad would 'snatch' me (an idea planted by the evil bastard that became her second husband) and told me I was nto to sign anything my Dad gave me. My Dad turned up at school once with an application form for a post office account and I didn't dare sign it. I remember howling with pain because to obey one parent I had to defy another... The nun that was my form teacher just hugged and hugged me.
However I don't believe my parents were suited. My mother married my dad to escape her father who was very controlling and when she left my dad she wasn't confident enough to be alone and thus she went straight into the arms of my first step father - a much older man who was very controlling and abusive to me - mentally, physically and sexually -
I am married to a man I adore. I didn't marry until I was over 30 because it took me that long to meet a man I trusted. That was nothing to do with my parents divorcing but to do with the shit that followed as my mum made some dodgy choices.........
I do believe that the things that happened to me have made me stronger. I was raised in the 'suck it up' school of parenting and I have faced a whole heap of crap. Until I told my DH my story I believed it all to be normal but apparently it isn't........ His comment is that it is a wonder I am as 'normal' as I am....
In short - my parents did the right thing by divorcing but my mother then proceeded to make some shitty choices I'd rather she hadn't made. It isn't the divorce that has affected me but the things that then happened to me as a result of her lack of confidence.

I was 1 and my brother was 2 when my parents divorced. My mum got together with my stepdad and he and his 2 children (boy 8; girl 10) moved in. Saw my devoted dad every weekend. My stepdad was depressed and his 2 children quite messed up. We muddled along but stepdad was not that much fun, we didn't have much money and there were a lot of us. Had a wonderful time with real dad. Real dad met stepmother who was distant and very tidy. Felt like we were in the way a bit.
Younger sister from mum and stepdad came along when I was 9. She was the apple of their eye and the rest of us felt, well, jealous basically. My sds and sdb particularly, but they were older and moving out.

Fast forward a few years, db became schizophrenic after smoking lots of weed, which he was introduced to by sdb and coincided nicely with family history of mental health problems. He was in and out of hosp for years and died aged 28. Sds is still (aged 45) very resentful and avoids all contact with any of us; she's never seen my younger sisters ds despite living 5 mind walk away. Sdb has recently split with his wife and has depression. Df split with wife 2 is now with lively wife 3 and has twins the same age as my children which is lovely.

My dm is soo loving I think she wanted to help my stepdad, it's the only way I can imagine she split up her stable family. She married very young straight from boarding school and Uni. She is distraught by the idea of anything happening in my littlr family, and I will do everything in my power to keep us all happy. I do struggle to understand what went on in her head when she left my reliable, dedicated, well off dad for a depressed moody self obsessed man with 2 older children.

The divorce clearly had a negative impact on us, but I don't think it has to. As long as it's amicable and everyone seems ok with it it's fine. I think the real problems start when a new partner comes in who isn't prepared to love their stepchildren and give them their attention.

V interesting discussion, from my PO one of the children of my father's second family. He and his first wife split up when their boys were 5 and 2. Dad had custody. He met and married his second wife, my mum, within 2 years. They had a happy marriage and two more children (I am the eldest ) and we all grew up together, ok house, a few holidays, local schools. My mum/ boys' stepmum worked v hard to make sure the boys saw their mum and maintained a relationship with her, drove them over on access week ends etc. My dad and first wife had a very. "shouty" relationship, which I was aware of, so I am certain the boys were far more aware of, and maybe involved in.my mother has loved and nurtured them from the day she met them, took them in and loved them like her own.

What is interesting is how this has impacted on my DBs (technically half Bs but never use the half) adult romantic relationship. DB1 met his wife when they were 18 and 19. They have a good relationship and two grown up boys and still adore each other in their fifties. DB2 on the other hand, has trouble forming. close relationships, and his first marriage only lasted 2 years. He was single for ten years and is now married again (4 years ago) with a stepson. He has told me he is unhappy, but can not do to his DSS what his parents did to him.

So, two brothers of divorce, same childhood background, totally different impact on them.