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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

After your partner moved out, how did you get rid of him

25 replies

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 15:04

in your house.

He/she sat on the furniture, watched the same television, used the bath towels, waked on the same rugs/wooden floors etc

I stil him here after four years. I have painted the walls but cannot afford to change the house totally. It very much unsettles me still.

I spend A LOT of time at home as I have an SN child.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

Is it just a symptom of something else going on within or this a real problem you can identify/empathise with?

I want to movce out rip outthe floors, anything rthat he looked at, knew was there in his memories

I'M REALLY ANGRY

this is GOOD for me

OP posts:

Original poster

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 15:05

I feel infected by his memory in this house.

OP posts:

loganberry12 · 14/07/2012 15:20

Could you move house?

Thumbwitch · 14/07/2012 15:24

I can identify with your feelings but not sure how you can take control of the situation except by disassociating the "stuff" from him.

Towels and bed linens - well, I kept all of those, boilwashed them, they've been washed many many times since so no trace of him remains.
Seats - you could get a cheap throw to cover the sofa/armchairs, so they look completely different and his arse never touched it
Cushions/chair seats - you could make new loose covers, change the look etc.

Apart from that, if you haven't already done so, rearrange everything so it's in a completely different format from how it was when he was there. (I did move house so had that advantage).

FaffTastic · 14/07/2012 15:31

I can identify partly with what you say. After my xh moved out I painted the place, tried to make it look different and make it 'mine'. However, 4 years is a long time for you to still be feeling like that in your own house about him. Have you had any counselling to help you try to move on from the bitterness?

Original poster

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 15:38

I am having therapy, he used me so ill and I am just not that vile. My therapist does not think I am bitter. I am very tied down with an SN chid. I want to move and wil make enquiries.

Thanks for the nicer replies.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 14/07/2012 15:40

I hope you can move away - it sounds like much of what you're still experiencing is memories of what happened in the house itself, so no matter how much you change, it will still permeate the atmosphere - so fingers crossed for you that moving becomes possible for you. x

Original poster

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 15:43

Yes :) I have a house in mind to exchange with. At the time of my enquiry I had a horrid neighbour of which I told the potential swapper about. I think it put him off but she dropped dead six weeks after! Was a genuine shame :( I have been contemplating calling him and asking if wil yet again consider swapping in light of recent events. I'm too scared to as I understandably was not very complimentary aboiut her but had no choice. I would be downsizing but it is beautiful, beautiful area and be all mine, start afresh. He still lives there.

OP posts:

FaffTastic · 14/07/2012 15:44

Sole - maybe 'bitter' was the wrong choice of word and I certainly didn't mean to offend you, but by your own admittance you are still very angry and that must be very emotionally draining and tiring after 4 years - my point was that 4 years is a very long time to still be 'seeing' your exp everywhere in your house and for your own sanity you really need to try and let that go, by whatever means possible. I'm glad that you're getting counselling.

Original poster

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 15:49

I haven't allowed myself to express it as I was scared to. But it is coming out now. :)

You are right about me seeing him in here and everytime I see a car resembling his etc. He was a 'gangster', I didn't know! I was frightened for quite some time after I found out and he said goodbye. He stole my car, passport and used me I went along with it out of fear. I will try and not make the same mistake again.

Angry at me for being foolish and not knbowing he sold cocaine, owned import export business and conned people on the net. He looked so ordinary and was a charmer. Be careful you never know what people really are. I feel tainted by it.

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whatthewhatthebleep · 14/07/2012 16:22

I split with DS DF 10yrs ago....it still bothers me when I drop off or collect DS from the house (ex's) cos my bloody curtains are still hanging there in the front window...pisses me right off cos then I think about all the belongings he never gave me back...cunty shitbag!!!! lol

sole .... that kind of lying and betrayal and scarey situation would be hard for anyone to feel they could move on from....I think the idea about making contact to do a swap with someone is maybe a really good idea...it would be the fresh start and maybe you would feel safer too...do you ever worry that this ex knows too much about you and knows where you live and things??? I wouldn't like that either...I'd be thinking that moving home was the best plan to go forward.

would you still be with the same GP and the therapy that you have been using?...that's important so you can maintain the support you have at the moment....

RandomMess · 14/07/2012 16:25

"sole .... that kind of lying and betrayal and scarey situation would be hard for anyone to feel they could move on from."

I agree I think the house just represents everything horrible about him and what he did to you. If you can move that would be great and also perhaps you need to grieve for how life should have been if he'd been a decent bloke - perhaps your therapist can help you with whatever you are "stuck" processing?

Original poster

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 16:40

I wrote a massive reply and it disappeared!

He spotted me in the street last year and stopped to chat to me. If I didn't know what he was I would have walked on by but fright told me not to be impolite as he might gseek revenge. That was JUly 17th last year, almost one year ago, 3 years after he left.

I had received malicious calls about me to various agencies, he was jut the type to do this kind of thing. He stayed here in my house and everyday sitting on his sofa with his laptop conning people. I just wanted him OUT but was very frightened. He could watch his offices from his laptop that were 7 miles away. always wonderedc if he could be watching me right now! paranoia I know.

He did terrible things to people. A friend of mine 'disrespected' him and months later told me his flat had been deliberately set on fire. The person told me about it after it had happened so I asked him and he didn't answer just had a grin.

He told me about a brothel being closed down

I am ashamed at these memories and it does reflect badly on me. I', law abiding and with conscience.

i think I am more angry at me

I hope I never ever see that turd again
I just waited until he got fed up and left I was too scared to end it

he told me my DS saved me..poined at him.. i guess beacuse he is SN, i don't know ...................................

OP posts:

whatthewhatthebleep · 14/07/2012 17:26

well, I really think this swap could be the answer for you...are you with local council/housing association?

I would think they could help to find you somewhere else to move to because of your fears and things regarding this person....and if you are willing to downsize then it could be they will help even quicker as the lists for housing are so long...you'd be doing them a favour and they won't pass that up....!!..would help everyone out

Original poster

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 17:32

Just had a look at the homeswapper site and his house has gone! was lovely house, I might push a letter through.

OP posts:

Original poster

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 17:34

Thing is I am starting t fear him less as it is almost one year since he spotted me. I will muster the inner strength to iugnore my fear and ignore him if I ever see him again.

I was a bubby confident utgoing person reduced to this

I hardly go out as I do not want tio meet people as my judgements are shit.

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whatthewhatthebleep · 14/07/2012 18:11

well...I'd be laying it on in spades with housing folk and trying to get a move...it would be a huge upheaval but just think about how much being 'you' again is where you want to be and this could be the first major shift to allow yourself to grow again...putting all of it behind you with a firm foot forward...

I left my ex with 1 suitcase and a pram when DS was barely 6mths old, no money and nowhere to go....the local council organised a b&b for 2 weeks using a travel cot and got offered a 1 bed flat....went back to work and used childcare for about a year there and then I moved 30 miles from the area and have never looked back...or regretted a single thing....

you can change things and move on...it starts with 1 step and you will have all the support you need to do it....xxx

Original poster

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 18:30

I can try... I really am bogged down here with bad memories. I have tried hard and 4 years stil feel the same :( I'm not running away I just need a change.

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whatthewhatthebleep · 14/07/2012 18:44

ah see...it's not that running away is the wrong thing to do though....sometimes it's absolutely is the right thing to do....to put it behind you...

running away without a little plan in tow is much harder though...I would recommend a little planning

you have thought about a plan for quite a while op....it's turning the thoughts to deeds that's the hard bit...once you do that...you'll be flying!!!

Original poster

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 18:48

I wish I had moved into that houyse when I had a chance but the offer was not definate! Damn him.

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 14/07/2012 18:59

I started re-decorating. Started with the bedroom. This room I painted pink and with wall-paper he would not have chosen/liked. Threw away the duvet covers and got new flowery ones. Also got rid of anything that he chose or I didn't really like that much. Bought new cushions for the living room, and curtains. This weekend I've had another clear out and I've thrown out most of the things that he bought me (except things that I really like that I prob picked out anyway) and anything from his mum etc too that I was keeping cos I was being polite. putting things in bin bags is very cathartic and nowhere near as expensive as actually moving house! I enjoy having the house now...and it's definitely mine. Can't imagine him being in it now. Good luck! x

whatthewhatthebleep · 14/07/2012 19:07

hence your nickname lovinfreedom ....really good...I like the positive 'clearance' you describe...reclaiming your home again.... when I left I originally had requested furniture, etc that was all mine before we had met, etc but I was really glad in the end that my ex wouldn't give me anything from the house we shared...I started again from nothing and it was the best way for me...

jumpy2012 · 14/07/2012 20:33

That's why I was so keen to move out...he has never set foot in MY house, and there is nothing here that was his.

Fiveflowers · 14/07/2012 21:01

I've done the same as Lovingfreedom.

I didn't want to move so I bought new, more 'girly' bedding - he hated cushions so I now have loads , I've decorated and bought pretty pictures and ornaments.

He wouldn't recognise the place now and I've definitely made it mine.

whatthewhatthebleep · 14/07/2012 21:15

I'm always working on my little improvements...been in this new home just over a year now and I know this is home forever iyswim... (moved 4 times in 10yrs)...I love buying little candles and bits..colour coordinating and giving rooms my stamp of ownership...

Just finally got round to getting a lovely big aquarium again too...I love watching tropical fish and it's quite beautiful....never felt I could do this until I knew we were settled and happy....it's been a project in the making for all this time and now I'm doing it.....1st fish buying adventure starts tomorrow!!!...soooo excited...hahahahaha

Thumbwitch · 15/07/2012 01:24

I think the only reason I kept bedlinens and towels and the like is because I chose them in the first place, not him! So they were effectively mine anyway.Anything that he had chosen, or that had come from him, stayed with him. Although I did take the entire cache of wine we'd bought in France together - couldn't bear the idea of him sitting drinking it in what had been my house with the new woman. He got a bit pissed off at that.

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