Am i wasting my time?

[cherrypez]

Ok so here is the back story. DP and I had been together 8 years, two kids together, There is a bit of an age gap, he is 9 years younger than me. We had a rough patch, a very rough patch, and during this time he was texting a girl from work who is a few years younger than him...'just friends'.

So, we got to the point where things were really bad and he says those dreaded words...I don't love you any more. Moves out to his brother's house, and was conveniently seeing this woman within a week. I was devastated, completely broken, but had to keep going for the boys. About 8 weeks later I began dating a friend of a friend, in an attempt to move on. DP finds out, goes ape and says he can't bear the thought of me with anyone else etc etc. We decide to get back together just dating, no moving back in or anything heavy. The other girl is out of the picture, he says he can't believe what an idiot he has been, it was offered on a plate etc.

So, my question really is this. Should I have stayed on my own? Can this ever work? Can I ever believe he loves me? I was coping just fine with the kids, have a good job, little finacial pressure as small mortgage, so I'm not scared of being alone. I just love him so much and can't bear not to have him in my life, but am I destined to a life worrying about who he is texting etc?

I think you have to dig into why did you have a very rough patch and address the issues, then decide if it 's workable. You both seem willing at the moment, so why not try.

Suck it and see. Hope it works out for you both op.

Any man who uses the phrase "it was offered on a plate" as an excuse for infidelity is a waste of time.

Yes, you will always wonder who he is texting.

That he only came back because he wanted you unhappy and alone while he carried on with his fancy piece tells you everything that matters.

Good advice so far. Play it by ear. You know you can cope without him, so no fear if it doesnt work out. Most relationships have a crisis point, its how ye deal with the aftermath that determines your viability

It can work. There are some very strong women on here who will hopefully come along and post to help you.

It won't just work on its own.

You and he need to break it all back down see what happened and why (honestly) before you can build it back up.

If you don't then there is nothing to stop him doing it again if his excuse is 'he was offered it on a plate. Because that is an excuse and it is a meaningless wrong excuse. It wasn't a drunken one night stand at the christmas party.

He spent time texting this other woman, talking to her, flirting, getting to know her and building to the stage until she and he got together. Time taken away from you and your family that exacerbated the rough patch until he decided he didn't love you and left...

That was not just handed on a plate they (both) worked to get there.

If he wasn't interested no texts in the world from her would have made it happen. Unless he can accept this you won't move on.

I think he was probably already seeing/sleeping with the girl when he was with you.

He is probably still sleeping with her now.

He only wants to 'date' you to stop you seeing other men.

I don't think you will ever be able to trust him.

I don't think he loves or respects you, sorry.

Knew it wouldnt last

He was offered it 'on a plate' and couldn't say no? What's he going to do when the next dish comes along?

'Just dating' in my book means you're free to date as many men as you want.

Tell him you have no intention of dating him exclusively and that he's free to date other women.

Keep him as a fuckbuddy if you want, but don't invest any more of your emotions in him until such time as he's proved himself worthy of you - and you're worth a lot, honey.

He wanted you back because he was jealous. Not enough to rebuild whatever you used to have imo. You sound like a strong, independent woman. Find someone in the future who values you for what you are.

Thankyou for the replies everyone...a very mixed bag of responses. I know he didn't cheat, he is an honest person and I believe that they were just friends until we split...but I'm not stupid, I know there was an attraction there. It's hard to convey to others how the relationship was but it was terrible towards the end, and the main cause was probably my lack of affecton and nagging, which drove him further and further away.

Without wishing to give TMI, the sex between us has always been very good, and my temporary lack of sex drive made our problems worse. With the course now over and the girl out of the picture I think it could work again, but I guess the crux of the matter is really the age gap. I felt a funny kind of relief that I no longer had to worry abouit him leaving me for a younger woman, as he kind of had, and I felt that it was better for me to find someone my own age...but I can't let him go. It was my idea to get bvack together. I knew I'd got to him and that he still had feelings for me so I said lets give it one last shot, no pressure. Since then it has been him asking to come home, which i've put off until after the summer holidays.