Fed up of being the strong one

[Allegrogirl]

I've been with DH sine Uni days and married 15 years. We've mostly been very happy as we have similar interests, opinions, sense of humour etc

However he can be hard work at times. We nearly split after a few years of depressions (his) and his refusal to have children. We separated and he had a short course of CBT and we got back together. We now have two DDs he adores.

DH has health issues. He has hypermobility syndrome and his knees are shot to pieces. Awaiting major surgery later in the year. He is tired and bad tempered all the time and gets a lot of gut problems, possibly due to condition or the meds he is on.

He takes the minimum meds he can get away with but is still really moody and tired. I do most of the childcare and try to smooth over his moodiness to minimise the effect on the children. When I complain about anything throws a wobbly about the meds driving him nuts and the constant pain he is suffering.

I know I sound really selfish but I'm having a hard time too. I work in a demanding job 26 hours per week and we have two very lively under fives. DD2 is a heavy, nearly two year old cling on and my knees and back are really hurting. Our income took a big hit as DH left his physical job to retrain at Uni. He now has an office job on much less salary plus the cost of the degree ate up all our savings. I supported him 100% through all of this.

I am fed up that I never get to complain or be ill. I am knackered. I suffer from anxiety and DH didn't even realise this until he told me about someone he knows who was recently diagnosed. He told me he didn't know anxiety was a real 'thing' that people get. Yes darling, it's what I have been diagnosed and treated for.

Despite his very real health problems he still feels 'in the mood' far more often than me and doesn't understand when I don't fancy it actually.

Sorry for the essay. Feels good to have a moan. I feel disloyal complaining in RL.

First of all your DH is lucky he has you and you are the way you are and are able to have been strong enough to support him through his MANY tough times.

You're NOT selfish in a bad way. Other people do have an affect on us and your reaction has been nothing but one of loving support.

But what about your needs?. It is understandable and natural to eventually desparately need some care for you. Maybe I am naive but it doesn't seem to me that your DH can give you what you need.

So where else can you get it? Talking to somebody in RL is what you need to do. If there isn't anybody, try a therapist? Look for a good well established therapist. Talk it out. Try their free first session (never pay for a first session). Loyalty has nothing to do with it and you need to explore as to why you feel so strongly about this. You are damaging yourself.

Find something, some kind of release...take up jogging or a hobby.

You need to take the first steps or you'll be no good to anybody, especially to YOURSELF which is more important.

:) x

It seems that you have got in a pattern where there's only one person allowed to be sick/tired/stressed in the house, and that's him. He is rather over-doing the 'sick role', that's not saying he isn't sick, but rather that it's become so part of his identity and his reasons for not doing things, that he feels threatened if you so much as mention a sniffle.

Solesource's advice is good, you need some support yourself, in whatever way you can get it, you are working, looking after the children and him as well.

You also need to have a frank chat about his moodiness and nastiness. He's ill, he's in pain, I know this is awful, but he can't take it out on you for the rest of your life. Either he ups his pain meds, goes on AD's again or just resolves to be nicer (counselling?)

I really understand where you are coming from, my dad was ill when I was a child, my mum put up with being the strong one for 20 odd years, but myseriously it didn't stop him running off with someone else and living a quite active life. Beware that this pattern doesn't become the norm, that he's allowed to do what he likes because he's sick because it can easily slip into entitlement and selfishness and that's not good for him or you long-term.

Change the pattern - you are half responsible for it. (Being hard here.x) But its OK to change it, expect him to not like it but then change his mind as he himself changes. If you don't do it, who will? x