the ex husband

[peppapiglet]

god he still has the ability to make me feel an inch high. he is controlling and devious. he told me to go to hell in front of our ds while crying mid week, over something very simple. i cannot reason with him at all. when he picked my ds up this morning, my ds who is 4 turned to both of us and told us not to argue as if we are friends, friends dont argue. i am so angry and sad. my exh just had a smirk on his face. i have no idea what goes through his head.
another thing i wanted to air, is that i have never stopped exh seeing our ds nor would i want to, i am reasonable and flexible in this way. however, he is in a 1 bed flat and does not provide a bed for him. so when he stays overnight he sleeps in the same bed. i am just a bit concerned now as he is starting school and think he should have his own bed there.
im worried about my son, as i obviously want the best for him and i can already see he is starting to play on off against the other :-(

Firstly, I think a 4 year old sharing a bed with his dad is not the end of the world, as long as the child is happy with this arrangement.

Secondly, I think it is worth you having mediation or something, in order to minimise contact time between you and your ex. It is not good for your son emotionally to be constantly in the middle of the fighting.

What were you trying to reason out with him. Perhaps handover is not the time to do this, with your son present, knowing that your ex will kick off. Perhaps you need to think about a third party being involved in handovers, or you don't let your ex into your home but walk your son quickly out to the car?

ddd
thanks for your opinion.
I agree with the first point, i am just not too confortable with it as he is getting older, but yes it isnt the end of the world.
my son is not in the middle of any fights, normally the handover is smooth, if i just dont speak :-( i would just a least like my exh to say hello or even tell me how son has been, what they have done, what he has eaten etc. i want to co-parent and it isnt happening. my exH thinks co parenting is a "pile of s**t"... his words :-(
he is an educated person, i dont get it..
i normally email him, but it is exhausting doing this all the time, rather than just speaking.
my ex doesnt come into my home, he just comes to the porch. he is incredibly intimidating

I think you will have to accept that he won't ever co-parent with you. Sad as that is, it is what it is.

Now that your DS is getting old enough to voice likes and dislikes then he will be able to tell your ex when he wants to get his own bed.

Maybe at some point in the future your ex will realise it is better to communicate with you, especially if you stop sharing information with him. But that will probably be a long time in coming, if ever.

you might want it - but you can't make him want it.
So you either keep trying for something which probably isn't going to happen - or you let it go, you do the best you can with your son, and you trust that your ex is going to do the same, but separately.
I know which one is going to involve less heartache for you!

i dont think he ever thought i would divorce him. he had such control that i waited 2 yrs to do it based on 2 yrs separation rather than on unreasonable behaviour. how can someone have control over you when they are not even physically present? i dont understand why i still have this problem. he also drives past my house regularly to see who is here. i did have a relationship but it has now ended, but he was threatening to exp too. i wonder if i will ever be free and happy and ever be able to trust again

You will be free and happy again. He is just being an arse. You have to learn not to let it get to you.

My 5 & 3 year olds are at their dads/GPs this weekend and will be sleeping all 3 in the same bed. I bet they love it and think it is an adventure at that age. I wouldn't stress about it. The child will tell him quickly when he doesn't want to do that any more.

I agree with your point on wanting to co-parent. But your ex probably in his "manly" way thinks you are trying to tell him how to be a dad. I am not agreeing with it. But I think you need to just let it go. Let him work out things. His driving past is freaky, but just let it go, he can't hurt you unless you let him. You are letting him have control over you, and he is powerless now. There is nothing he can do. If you get another partner, and he is intimidating again, call the police and report it.

thanks ddd, regarding the "adventure" take on it. i am feeling low so am seeing things in a negative light. yes, i am still letting him control. What i dont get is why i feel there is a hold over me, when he isnt even here.. how odd. the exp showed red flags too and at one point i had both of them stalking me. its been very stressful and has shattered my trust in people unfortunately and my confidence.

I relate to what you are saying. With my x I had "situational depression" and it is so hard to let go of thinking patterns and breaking that negativity.

What I have been doing, which may be something you might consider, is doing counselling. I have found it invaluable for my self-confidence and to start breaking patterns of reaction, behaviour and thinking. If you find someone good, they will listen and guide and it really is a wonderful experience.