How do you deal with contact btwn DCs & abusive exH?

[chipping]

I'm in the 'inbetween' stage of divorce. Papers have just been served on H. At the moment he is refusing to sign.

He has moved out but thinks I'm crying wolf, he is trying to carry on as normal. We jointly own the 'family' house where I live with the Dcs. He still has a key & comes & goes as he pleases. Sees the DCs here, makes himself a meal etc.

Once all this hellish bit is over, how do people deal with DC / exH contact? H is a heavy drinker. I cannot trust him to pick up the DCs after midday if he is driving because he will have had a drink. He lives in a flat which isn't child friendly - no stair gates etc.

He wanted DS (aged 16months) to stay the night last week - I refused - DS has never spent a night away from me, has never spent a night with his dad, is very clingy & STBXH doesn't have a cot - he thought he would sleep in a bed or on the floor (!?). DS is a very active baby - always climbing, I'm quite an experienced mum & know I cannot take my eyes off him for a second. H has bathed DS here at home but has left him in the bath on his own (!!!!) resulting in falling, knocks, bruises.

So, please, advice on how to deal with this situation would be very much appreciated.

Apart from your 16mo, how many dcs do you have and how old are they?

We have 4 DCs ranging from teens to the baby, izzy.

My concerns are with the 2 youngest - 16mth old & 8 y old. the oldest 2 are very much like me (or how I used to be) - strong willed, independent, don't take any shit from anyone - from previous relationship.

btw - STBXH dislikes the oldest 2

From what you have said, I'd be dealing with it by changing the locks for starters.

Why does he dislike his eldest children?

If he is a heavy drinker and you can't trust him to abstain from drinking when he has DCs then it is fair to insist that all contact is supervised and takes place on neutral ground - ie not at his child unfriendly flat.

good point, babylon. the oldest 2 arn't his.

As far as I am concerned, the relationship is over. But the 2 youngest Dcs have to have a relationship with their father. A father who has no idea how to look after young children.

Ah ok - but even not being his, that's not a reason to dislike them, though I guess the feeling is mutual and they dislike him too.

As for the younger two, I think it's very admirable that you're willing to facilitate a relationship with their father, who at best sounds like an abusive fuckwit

However if do not trust him to look after the children to a good standard, then you are quite within your rights to put any conditions in place surrounding his contact.

Do change the locks and seek legal advice regarding the children.
You do not have to let him in or let him be with the children there.

A flat does not normally have stairs. Do you mean outside?

Formalise and engage agencies to help you, such as nursery workers,l HV etc, who all have a duty towards your hb.

Your kids have the right to see him - but he must be safe. Forbid contact (when he's gone and you've separated) - let him go to a solicitor. When you get the letter, go to your own solicitor and explain the risks as you see them.

The sols will argue it out to a judge who will decree. If he doesn't stick to the agreement, ie he is drunk in charge, it needs to go back to court.

If as they get older, he starts saying 'Mummy this, Mummy that...' it will come out, and rightly be decreed as bad parenting, back to court you will go and he will be told off and to stop.

One more thing - the kids have the right to him, he does not have the right to you. No comments about you going out, having a new partner etc. If anything like that, do not handover yourself, do not engage, do not speak to him and report anything threatening.
x

sorry - first sentence - duty towards your children!!!

Take professional advice as above poster said. Some things may have to be let go as they may fall into differences of opinion and the gulf between your standards and what is seen as "good enough" parenting.
If you jointly own the house, you can't change the locks but am not sure about whether he can just walk in.
If he is habitually drunk and that impacts on the kids and their safety then a judge may rule for a hair strand test or place limits on how and when he sees the DCs.
Talk to a solicitor who has experience of family matters and can steer you in the right direction and document everything i.e. formal letters to him which can be straight from you as a solicitor doesn't actually carry any more legal weight than you (their role is to advise you on points of law, how courts operate). And note when you think he is drunk and wants to see the kids.

Thanks for the advice. Luckily I have a brilliant solicitor.

I think there will be MANY trips to court. Obvs the drinking is my fault as I have left him

oh, the flat has a mezzanine floor, hence the need for stair gates.

i can only change the locks when the house is transferred into my name.

i'm keeping a diary re h's behaviour.

thanks (sorry, rushing this - small child on knee)

I would change the locks; technically it's illegal so your solicitor would never (officially) advise you to if you do his but his options would be to break in ( in which case you call the police and say he is breaching the peace) or go to court to get a court to order you . In reality that rarely happens.

You don't have to wait until the house is transferred into your name to change locks.
You can also apply tot he court for an occupancy order - this bars him from entering the hosue and allows you and the children to enjoy a peaceful and safe home.

but all that would cost money and he's left anyway. Change the locks, make it clear when he can and can't come and stick to that.