how did your children cope with a divorce ?

[poodlecross]

Well my husband is a cock. I cannot put it any other way. He has been nasty abusive. I left him. He begged me and cried that me and dc are his whole life etc etc. We went back (more than once)

He is ok when sober. He is a great 'good fun ' dad when everything is ok. When it is not or he is tired he is grumpy and horrible.

When he has a drink he is nasty negative. I honestly dont think I can deal with it any more.

My worry is the children. How will they cope ? I keep it away from them so all they see is fun dad and horrile mum when actually it is arsehole dad and mum trying to protect them. He is even nasty to the dog when he has a drink. (every weekend)

How can I deal with it ? I dont want to tell the children their dad is horrible but if he is just horrible to me they blame me.

I cant do it any more

Don't do it a second longer.

You will be absolutely doing the children a favour. They will get some peace. I assure you it's impossible to keep it all away from them.

Change is hard, well not necessarily hard, just something we fear, but the reason you would do this is sound and reasonable and absolutely for the best for your children If he is an arse, he is an arse, you can't protect them from this forever. It is his problem and needs to deal with the consequences.

Actually, they coped ok. But we have 50/50 care. I think it would be easier for them if I had more of a share of their care. But he is also a controlling person and wouldn't have it.

But the children are much better than I thought they would be. It's very common these days. More important to have a peaceful and happy mummy. :)

will they ever realise though ? He is a fun hands on dad when he is in a good mood and they worship him.

He is crap with money so I am forced to work full time. He is so embarrasing if we go out as he cannot control his drinking I am isolated as I dare not go out with him and my friends.

When we go out he rnts at me when we get home over desicions we made and he now regrets. I actually am starting to hate him.

How can I get him to move out and how can I get the children to see that I am not all bad .

Even if they say they hate you for it now they will understand when they are adults.

Would you have wanted your mum to stay with someone like that just because he could be fun sometimes?

If that is what you want just ask him to move out, calmly, even just for a trial separation. It will be tough for everyone to adjust to but you may find you are just more relaxed without the stress of having him around.

Leave!

Mine told me they wished I had divorced sooner. That's not to say it's been easy for them (or me) but it's the best in a bad situation.

Not sure how old yours are? Mine were 9 and 2 when it all ended. You worry about how to tell them their dad is crap, but I'm not sure you have to... He might be a perfectly good dad but a crap partner, but that's no reason to stay with him!

Anyway good luck, mine are fine and my only (huge) regret is not ending it sooner. Xxxxx

Mine seem to be coping fine. Were shocked and upset in the very beginnning but soon settled down to the new routines and to having two places to stay.
Now (after 8 months) we are all used to it and have even heard the kids say they prefer it this way. I'm sure I've made it sound too easy...but tbh if I'd known there was going to be this little stress re the kids, would have probably done it a long time ago. The kids will be fine. Look after them. Don't lie to them. Don't slag off their dad but don't cover for him either. Kids are smart - they will work it out sooner or later. All the best.

It wasn't until my exh left that my kids finally told me how unbearably tense the atmosphere at home was when he was there. Within days my DD told me she never wanted him living at home again and she actually has a fairly good relationship with him.

I think the saying that kids would rather their parents apart, but happier, than together and miserable is right. At least it is in my case.

How do children cope?

I would suggest that you go along to an Al Anon meeting. You will meet adult children of alcoholics there. Listen to them. Whatever divorce does to your children, that can be mitigated. The effects of living in a household where one parent is abusing alcohol, even if it is just weekends, could destroy them. If it isn't his behaviour, your reaction to it, will effect them for life. Alcoholism is a family disease and it is not something children should grow up with. At meetings I have heard so many examples. [One lady, her daughter hit teens and tried to kill herself, because of living with an alcoholic father. Another lovely wonderful friend, her mother was an alcoholic, she is now one too because of the emotional strain of growing up in that environment. She is emotionally destroyed and cannot cope. Others have gone on to have similar relationships with alcoholics as adults and repeated the painful pattern, because it is normal to them and they think they can rescue these people].

We split up predominantly because of alcohol abuse, and the children are little. Of course they are affected, they miss daddy. But children hero-worship their daddy no matter what they are like. It is early days, but I think they are doing brilliantly. The home is calmer. Less tension. I am happier. My behaviour is so much better and I am starting to be a good example to them. When they see daddy they get attention. They play/ed up a little, but that is mostly because their daddy is an arse and last went 6 weeks without seeing them. They will get used to that too. My eldest matter of factly walks into school, and tells parents of her friends (who I don't know) that her mummy no longer loves her daddy and he lives elsewhere. No emotions, just this is the way it is. This is her life. Impressive little girl. My heart bleeds for them and the crushed "happy family" I wanted for them. But I am going to move closer to my family and support in the next week and in that way make sure they have (sober, stable) other adult relationships in their lives.

How can you get him to leave? If social services get involved they may make him go, as out of control drinking means he is a threat to the children. ?

daffydowndilly it's not quite that simple. A social worker can't chuck someone out of their home! There are lots of different routes, and it's really important to find out about which is applicable in OP's situation. It depends on things like whether they own/ rent/ what kind of tenancy.... If it's needed though, no matter what the situation is, there's a way to make things work out for the best. Good luck OP

121 I didn't say it was simple. This is what did happen to a lady I know, so I wondered if it were a possibility.

But more practical advice. I would go along to CAB and make an appointment and talk to them. They can find things out/direct you/help you get legal advice and frankly have seen and heard it all before.

Are you hiding his drinking from them. Seems to me you should let them see him at his worst.

You can say to them that Dad is great but he is an alcoholic and needs to get treatment to stop drinking. If they are old enough to understand that. There are bound to be websites for them to look at if they have an alcoholic parent and messageboards.

Unless you live in a mansion they must hear his ranting. Really don't know why you would hide this from them.