I have namechanged for this as DH has read threads on here before and hasn't liked it at all. I have been thinking of posting for ages but have been put off by this. I just need some perspective now. I am writing this far too late. I'll bump it in the morning and then hide it tomorrow night.
DH and I have been married 5 years, together ten. We have two children 4 and 2. We live far away from my family. He is from another country. Since I was pregnant with our first child, when I had hyperemesis for the whole pregnancy, things have been very difficult. DD never slept and had feeding problems. My mother died from alcoholic liver failure when she was 10 otnhs old. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 months later (they were divorced, very difficult history). I had another difficult pregnancy. My brother had a nervous breakdown and lost his job. DH negotiated for him in the tribunals. Four months after our baby was born y father died.
From the death of my father, I took a year to recover. I accept that in this time DH was very practically helpful and tried to supprt me as much as he could. I was involved in myself and he came last. I did keep things going however. I looked after my children, the house, myself, my husband as best I could.
I did not have time or energy in the evening. Communication suffered. Sex suffered. Eventually I got counselling and got better. I am good if not stronger than before.
As soon as I started getting better DH broke down. He works extremely hard and maintains this and his relationship with our children but he wants nothing more to do with me.
I knew something was wrong and then six months ago he told e he had had enough. He felt I had attacked him over iisues I was uncomfortable with, such as his smoking and how much he works and that I had withdrawn sex from him. He wanted space and time to recover.
I believe I have tried to give this to him. He lives with us. Neither I nor the children see him much in the week. He works late and goes to the gym afer work (part f his unhappiness had been a huge gain in weight). He is frequently away with work. He take sths children out by himslef at the weekend as he doesn't want to be with me. I do not believe he is having an affair. I genuinely don't.
I try to give him as much support as I can but he doesn't want me. He says he does not want the marriage to continue and that he is only here for the kids. He expected to feel better and get over it bt he doesn't.
He says that he has had to ask me for love and that having to ask for it means that the love is worthless. He says he did everything he could to help but I let my past overwhelm our marriage and cause me to neglect him and that this is unacceptable.
Thigns got really bad when he realised I was disccusing it with one friend and when he read a thread on here. I wasn't going for hi at all. The worst things he could find that I had said about him were that he was a workaholic and that he had been emotionally unsupportive. He says he cannot forgive the fact I have done this and i is really terrible. You will probably question why I have done it again but I am just so isolated I feel I need some strangers' perspectives.
I feel he may be having a nervous breakdwon. His behaviour and demands are very strange. For example, he offered to look after the chidren for a week in August so I could see some old friends. All was planned. Then he announced that he had found a childminder to take over if he found the children too much. When I asked for her name and phone nuber so I could know who she was, he refused, said this was selfish and controlling behaviour and he would never agree. So, if I cancel the trip I am selfish. If I don't, well.... I don't really see it is reasonable to know that my children may be left with someone whose name I don't even know.
Another example, in this last six months he comes home late, I get up early - often at five (I'm a SAHM and my children are early risers). I began by waiting up to see him at tennish. He clearly sisn't want to see me. So, I thought I may as well be fresh for the chidren in the morning and went to bed. He resents this. I am wrong whatever I do.
He has asked me not to cook him dinners as he doesn't like to eat late so I don't. I try to leave something he could eat in the fridge or on the hob. He resents that no food is prepared for him.
This is necessarily a partial account. However....
He wants to have the summer at home here to recuperate more. I have agreed to this but I don't know if I should have done so. We have discussed the fact that this is likely to lead to a trail separation and that this is as likely to end in divorce as not. He seems to think he may have some kind of revelation if left to himself enough that he loves me and wants to stay. He refuses to talak. He refuses counselling. He sees to be determined to see an end to it and yet reluctant to call it and I don't know if I shoud do so as I am getting to the point where almost all is destroyed.
This is long. All I'm asking is what do you make of it?